ravings of a creative suburban housewife

Cravings

2012-01-31T10:00:00.004-05:00

I've embarked on a new journey. A journey that I'm hoping will lead me deeper into discipline and more intimacy in my relationship with God. I've started a diet program and also a Bible Study called "Made To Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst. This week one of the discussion questions was about our cravings...

My cravings look like a puzzle piece that will fill the weird emptiness in me that comes shaped with nooks and crannies. My struggle with the medical diagnosis of depression hasn't stopped me from trying to fill those empty spaces with food...if anything it's fueled them.

I'm mean, I'm supposed to be feeling better with my medication, right? Often I don't and so I self-medicate, self-stimulate, self-mutilate with food. I know, intellectually, that I need to run to my Father at these times. I also know that my sinful tendency is to hide instead (like
Adam and Eve in the garden). It's much easier to eat in secret and pretend to the world that everything is fine.

I am struggling with letting go of this crutch and just clinging to Him. I am so used to being controlled by my emotions that when I don't "feel" him, it's hard to believe he's there. That's why doing this study and practicing this discipline is so very important to MY spiritual life. I need the discipline because my emotions are fragile and unreliable. HE is faithful. HE is eternal. HE is what I NEED.

Rerun of Return to Me

2012-01-30T11:21:00.002-05:00

reposted from April 15,2007 (this story is a truth that I preach to myself over and over again so I thought I would share again)

Our church just began a series of sermons today on the letters to the seven churches in the book of Revelation. The focus was on the church in Ephesus and "returning to our first love"... in particular, how we spend so much time trying to look like "good Christians" that we neglect our relationship with the One it is all about. One of the "responses" that our Pastor encouraged us to pursue was to take some time in the next 24 hours to reflect on when our faith first came alive and write about it.

As I was thinking through this exercise, I had some trouble identifying a specific time period or age when this occurred for me. Being brought up in a Christian home and identifying myself as a Christian for my entire life has put me in the position (sometimes awkward in church circles) of not having a "conversion date" (or "spiritual birthday" as those who trumpet their own like to call it). My relationship with Christ has all been a journey and not always linear.

I did find, however, that even though I couldn't point to a conversion experience, I could clearly recall moments where grace sneaked into my life and invaded my space...changing forever the way I viewed God, myself and the world around me and marking that instant of time as life altering kairos.

I experienced one of these moments in November of 1997.

The months, even years, leading up to this particular winter were some of the most difficult of my life and definitely the most difficult in our marriage. We had been dealing with everything from secondary infertility to finishing a master's degree, raising the most precocious toddler on earth and watching our marriage fall apart. Both wounded, angry and tired, we had committed to being obedient...despite how we "felt"...and staying in and working on our marriage. During the worst months of our marriage and the first couple months of our decision to love each other "no matter what", we had put our plans for expanding our family on hold... no fertility treatments, no talks about adoption... not right now.

On November 10th, I received a call from an adoption facilitator, Sarah, who we had met through a crisis pregnancy center. She informed me that she was in contact with several birth moms who were looking specifically for Christian families for their babies. Sarah liked to give the birth moms information on several families so that they could make the best decision about placing their children. At this particular time, she felt she didn't have enough families that fit these requests to give the girls real options. In addition, one had already given birth and a couple others were due any day. Time was of the essence. She asked me if Larry and I would consider submitting a "birth mother" letter for her to offer along with the few other families she currently had on file.

Larry and I were overwhelmed with every emotion imaginable...excitement, fear, apprehension. We knew we were not even out of the pit our marriage had fallen into...would this even be wise? We prayed about it together that night and talked to our parents and some trusted people at church. Then, believing that God had His hand on this and had confirmed it, we wrote the letter and on the 12th I drove it up to Sarah's office.

On Friday, the 14th, I received a page from Sarah (the days of the ever present cell phone had not yet arrived). I returned her call and she reminded me to make copies of the letter so that she could present them to the birth mothers. I assured her that I would get them done and deliver them later that day. Not half an hour later, my phone rang. I answered and Sarah said, "You know, Melissa, don't bother making copies of that letter." My immediate panicked thought was, "What could she have found out about us?" She followed up immediately with, "I read your letter to a birth mom over the phone and she picked your family! The baby is five months old already and you can meet him on Sunday." WHAT??????!!!!!!!!

I'm sure I don't need to go into the details of our crazy weekend. I can share that another time. Suffice it to say that we met Desiree and our sweet Isaac on Sunday, November 16th and Monday, November 17th he was in our home. A true miracle.

With no time to prepare, we ended up setting up a Pack 'n Play in our bedroom next to our bed for him to sleep in. He slept through the first night but the second night he woke up whimpering. I leaned over, still in compete amazement over this gift with which God had astonished us. I gently lifted him into bed and placed him between me and Larry. He continued to whimper and reached about with his little hand until he found my face in the dark. He placed his little palm on my cheek and immediately stopped crying... falling asleep with his hand still on my face. Tears streamed down my face and soaked my pillow and his little hand. Larry whispered, "Are you okay?" All I could say was, "I don't deserve this."

THAT is grace. God had given us a gift in Isaac. He had shown us that He believed in our family...that He would sustain our marriage. Grace had invaded my space.

These are the moments I need to remember... what God has done for me, the chief of sinners. I need to keep that wonder... return to that wonder...the wonder of His grace.

Weakness

2012-01-23T12:03:00.002-05:00

I've been overwhelmed the last few weeks at how weak I really am. My tendencies to choose the easy way and reject challenge makes me angry but obviously not angry enough to do anything about it.

This week I am embarking on a challenge that I've been avoiding for some time now. I am planning to undergird this venture with spiritual nourishment. I need the extra support and to believe in something bigger than myself. I know, all too well, how weak I am. I know, all too well, how easily I quit. I know, all too well, how I struggle with discouragement. But, thankfully, I also know that I am loved by Someone who is all powerful... whose power is made evident THROUGH my weakness. My prayer is that my mind be daily renewed by this knowledge and that I remember to lean on the rock that is higher.

Pregnant Pictures...

2011-09-02T12:40:00.005-04:00

For those of you who know me, you know I love photography... I have absolutely no training in it so it's just for fun right now. For the past few months we've had our friend, Shana, and her kids living with us. She is mom to an 11 yr old son, 8 yr old daughter and now...newborn twins (a boy and a girl!). Here are some pics we took when she was pregnant.

New Venture-Homeschooling!

2011-08-29T09:42:00.001-04:00

Yes, it's true. I will be entering into the elite club of those parents who homeschool. Although technically, I suppose I'm cheating a little. The kids (Emma and Isaac) are going to be attending a virtual academy so I'm not doing the traditional homeschool route. Still I'm a little trepidatious going into it.

Which brings me to blogging... it's about time I started up again! Expect to hear my worries, woes and wisdom from homeschooling my two middle children, books I've read, books I want to read, books I want to write, theatre, music and life in general at the Baldwin Bungalow.

Twenty Years and Counting...

2010-10-28T11:28:00.011-04:00

I know I've been terrible the last few months about updating my blog. Life gets a little crazy sometimes. In July, Larry and I celebrated our 20th anniversary. We kept is a small celebration because we had booked our BIG celebration for September! On September 8 we flew into Newark and then took a car service over to NY and our hotel...the Marriott Marquis! We stayed in New York until the morning of the 11th when we took a cab to Brooklyn and got on a cruise ship that took us to Newport, RI, Boston, Bar Harbor, St Johns, New Brunswick and Halifax, Nova Scotia. What a trip...it was so fun and so relaxing and really a dream vacation. Here's some of my favorite shots from the trip: (more to follow as I edit!)

Mommy Bragging Rights

2010-06-10T12:25:00.002-04:00

I am so proud of my kiddos this week.

In just the last couple of days:

Landen got his California High School Exit Exam scores (kids take it every year starting as sophomores until they pass it and must pass to graduate) and he got PERFECT SCORES on it... as a sophomore!!!
Isaac's baseball team (he's playing for Park View Little League Yankees) was the 1st seed in the championship playoffs and has won every game so now goes to the championship on Saturday!!! Whoo-hoo!
Emma came home with the most amazing report card ever and a invitation to be a part of GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) next year!
Maddie, mommy's baby... graduated from kindergarten!!!!! What a big girl! She is reading voraciously, tying her shoes all by herself and just has a heart that is full of love for others...I couldn't be prouder.

Thank you for indulging my mommy moment! Please...I'd love to hear YOURS! Post them below in the comments!!!

Long Lost Brother (Sister)

2010-06-06T10:13:00.003-04:00

I've been praying these lyrics today as I prepare my heart for reunion with a dear friend... Thank you, Karin and Linford for this beautiful rendering...

Long Lost Brother (Over the Rhine)

I thought that we’d be
Further along by now
I can’t remember how
We stumbled to this place

I loved you like a long lost brother
On a bad day maybe I thought why bother
I’ve seldom seen so much anger
In a face

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

I don’t mean to laugh outloud
I’m trying to come clean
Trying to shed my doubt
Maybe I should just keep
My big mouth shut

More often than not
When it comes to you
You want whatever’s not in front of you
Deep down I know this includes me too

So tell me your troubles
Let your pain rain down
I know my job I’ve been around
I invest in the mess
I’m a low cost dumping ground

Trouble is I’m so exhausted
The plot, you see, I think I’ve lost it
I need the grace to find what can’t be found

Hmmm...

2010-05-13T12:19:00.002-04:00

Today is clearly a "Mommy's-too-tired-to-choose-to-battle-over-what-you're-wearing" day...

Hurt People Hurt People

2010-05-06T23:48:00.004-04:00

I was recently blindsided by an e-mail from a friend. This friend had misinterpreted something I had done and then made some further assumptions that cut me to the quick. I had no idea how to respond. Part of me was angry that she believed things about me that were not true. Part of me was wounded by her words. I was just flummoxed by the whole scenario.

As I was trying to reason out the best way to respond, my brother (and Pastor) wisely reminded me of a story I had told him many years ago.

While in high school I volunteered a number of times for Special Olympics. I absolutely loved being a "hugger"--one who stood at the end of the "race" or "jump" or event and hugged the participants as they finished. But on one particular occasion, instead of being asked to be a "hugger" the person in charge of volunteers paired me with a mentally challenged girl with Down's Syndrome. She had no family or friends at the event to watch or encourage her so I was assigned to walk her from event to event and support her as she participated in each activity.

It was going fairly well until it came time for the long jump. She completed a jump of about a foot and 1/2 and a look of utter disappointment and horror crossed her face. She had thought she would do so much better. I walked toward her to hug her and congratulate her for completing the event and she lashed out, angry at herself for her perceived failure. She began to cry and wail and then to start hitting herself in the face with her fists. I threw my arms around her trying to pin her arms down so she wouldn't injure herself and her fist collided with my right cheek just under my eye. I just kept holding her, whispering in her ear, until she calmed down.

The point my brother was making was this...in her anger, in her pain, she ended up hurting me... the one who was trying to help. But she didn't mean to... it was a by product of her disability.

We are all disabled in one way or another. Some emotionally, some physically, some spiritually...this affects how we act, how we respond, and sometimes it unintentionally hurts those around us. Hurt people hurt people.

This reminder, this nugget of truth was enough to take the edge off my own pain and glimpse the bigger picture. It was enough to soften my heart again toward this friend who I love and compose a response that was honest AND loving. It was enough to remind me of grace.

Thank you, Matt, for the reminder.

Video Statement from Bill and Jane Wales, parents of Erick Wales (MISSING)

2010-04-25T16:49:00.001-04:00

PLEASE- Pass this on

MISSING- 6 days, 7 hours, 15 minutes

2010-04-25T16:45:00.002-04:00

ERICK WALES is still MISSING! Please repost this, pass it along. You never know who may have seen him. http://www.finderickwales.com

Video Statement from Erick Wales' Parents

2010-04-25T00:53:00.003-04:00

Please view this statement from Bill and Jane and pass it along.

Video Statement from Erick Wales’ Parents

Posted using ShareThis

ERICK Still Missing!!!!

2010-04-22T15:04:00.002-04:00

Please pass on this link! You can get information and download flyers!

http://www.FindErickWales.com

Still Missing- ERICK WALES

2010-04-21T02:28:00.005-04:00

It is almost midnight on Tuesday and Erick is still missing (see post below). There has been a website set up that includes a flyer that people can print and download. Please pass it on...share it with anyone and everyone. And continue to hold Erick and his family and friends in prayer.

FindErickWales.com

Erick Wales is MISSING!

2010-04-20T15:07:00.005-04:00

UPDATE 6:26 pm- Erick is still missing. He drives a black Saturn Ion, California plates - FR33BSD.

Jane and Christina are a mother and daughter who I love VERY much! Yesterday morning, Erick (Jane's son and Christina's brother) went missing. He was last seen in San Diego, is in his mid-20's and this is out of character. Please look at the pictures below. I'm also asking that you pray for Jane, Christina and Erick during this uncertain time.

Photo Contest-Vote for me!!!!

2010-04-14T12:25:00.009-04:00

Disclaimer: This is a shameless plug...

My dear friend, Cynthia, is one of the most avid (and balanced) environmentalists that I know. She has inspired me in many ways but most evident is probably my new consistent use of reusable shopping bags.

On Friday, our families went out to dinner to celebrate Larry's birthday and the birthday card they gave Larry was the coolest thing! She had purchased it through the Arbor Day Foundation and the purchase goes toward planting a tree in one of our National Parks. This thrilled Emma (my little nature lover) and so today she decided to send an electronic version to her BFF, Madeline, in Indiana for HER birthday. While we were on the site we noticed a banner for a photo contest they are holding. The grand prize winner's photo will be featured on their Give-a-Tree cards. Emma and I got very excited because I enjoy (just for my own pleasure) taking photos of trees and plants that fascinate me. We immediately went through some of my more recent ones and chose the following photos to submit. (Each person can submit up to four photos.)

Please logon to Arbor Day Foundation to vote for one of my photos (you can search by photographer... under Melissa B.)

WIN!!! If you leave a comment here, I will enter you in random drawing to win your own personalized card with your favorite photo. You can get additional entries in the drawing by referring your friends to the link or posting it on your blog or Facebook. Just comment here with links to your "referrals" OR have your friend comment here with your name somewhere in the comment so you get credit for the referral!

Why I'm Not Crazy About UNICEF...

2010-02-24T20:37:00.006-05:00

I know. I know. Believe me, I know that UNICEF has done some fabulous humanitarian work. However, the fact remains that they have an aggressive anti-international adoption stance. They seem to prefer that a child grow up in an institution (orphanage) in their own culture than with a forever family in another culture. To give you an idea of why I have issues with Unicef, I'd like to share with you a blog post by The Joint Council on International Children's Services. It will explain a lot!

Be The Answer

A Little Late...

2010-02-04T22:26:00.004-05:00

Well, we've always had good intentions for starting family devotions and somehow every time we tried it fizzled... usually because of schedules, boring/cheesy material or just lack of discipline. We are trying again (pray for us!).

When I discovered the book that we are using for our women's Bible Study, I noticed that the author had also created a dinner devotion book for families. Because I admire her adult material and I feel confident with her theology, I decided to order it.

In the week or so that we've been using it, it has gone pretty well. Only a few groans and sighs when we pull it out. They are fairly brief which works for us although I have noticed that it sometimes tend to be a little over Maddie's head (just turned 6 years old). I've found that we can usually have one of the other kids explain it in their words to her and I think that's a GOOD thing!

Do you use family devotions in your home? If so, what material do you use? Or do you simply read through scripture? If so, do you have a method to what you choose to read?

Re-entering the Real World (and the blogosphere)

2010-01-26T21:37:00.005-05:00

Yes, it's true. I'm back... not that I think anyone is actually reading this or was waiting with bated breath for my next blog entry but, well... here I am. In addition to returning to my blog, I find myself after four straight months of performing, plus rehearsal time, returning to the life of full-time mom and out-of-work actress.

My show, "Joyful Noise", just closed last Sunday and I have to say that it was one of the most emotionally difficult closings I have ever experienced. I think in part because everyone else in the cast was moving on to their next project while I do not have anything "lined up". I also believe it's because I'm feeling particularly vulnerable in my abilities as a mom. Also, coinciding with my return to full time family chauffeur, Larry is traveling Monday thru Thursday this week. And believe me, that leaves a HUGE hole for me to fill.

Nevertheless, I plug ahead. I started a new devotional, "The One Year Book of Hope", to help keep me on track as well as a women's Bible Study on Hebrews, "Hoping for Something Better". I know that in order to be the mom I need to be, I need to be growing spiritually.

I also revamped our "chore" routine. Today I worked on our pegboard and also added a daily rotation list for 6 chores that will rotate between the three older kids. For the ones that don't rotate, I use the PEGS system, an invaluable tool I picked up at a Hearts at Home conference a few years back. I'm hoping this will help add some order back into a house that has been flying by the seat of its pants since we moved in back June!

That's the update for now!

Tell me... what do YOU do when your routine needs a kick in the pants???

iHeartFaces

2009-09-14T18:47:00.003-04:00

Just found this contest... the theme this week is "contemplative" (thoughtful observation; full or deep consideration; dreamily or wistfully thoughtful: a pensive mood; expressing or revealing thoughtfulness; quiet modes of apparent or real thought; can be marked by some sadness, but doesn't have to be)

Grace in Small Things...

2009-09-12T12:56:00.008-04:00

(sorry... no pics from last night)

... bbq dinners with friends

...working in a profession I love with people I love

(that's me on the far left in the orange and teal)

...sunsets from my backyard

...captured moments

...precious memories of missed friends

Grace In Small Things...

2009-08-26T19:05:00.007-04:00

Picture day...

Frosted mug of Dt. Pepsi with lime on a very hot day...

My daughter who loves and cares for all living things...

My son finding something he loves to learn...

Home.

Our beach outing...

2009-07-23T20:18:00.002-04:00

I didn't even want to go. My kids were completely out of sorts and I really just wanted to lock them all in their rooms, turn up the air conditioning and lay down with a good book BUT school starts on Monday and we haven't even been to the beach yet, so... off to the beach we went. It ended up being a nice break from the tension.

Grace in Small Things # 2

2009-06-02T11:01:00.002-04:00

Today I am facing the daylight with an hour and 1/2 of sleep behind me due to overwhelming anxiety. I need this discipline...

My grace in small things today:
1. Preschool- so I can nap
2. An awesome real estate agent who advocates fiercely for her clients
3. A 10 year old who wakes up with energy and a smile almost EVERY morning
4. Cool mornings
5. Children who can dress themselves (they may not match but they can put the clothes on themselves!)

God of This City

2009-06-01T13:16:00.003-04:00

I love this song and found this on YouTube... Kris Allen from American Idol leading his church in worship...

Grace in Small Things # 1

2009-06-01T12:39:00.004-04:00

I am joining the ranks of Grace in Small Things. I need this right now. (Thank you, LoveDrunk! You inspired me!) You can join me...it's so simple and so often just the thing we need.

1. My new house closing this week.

2. A husband who (even though he's sick) made me my favorite kind of egg (over-easy) with a slice of toast for breakfast.

3. A preschooler who loves to use her imagination.

4. Hot coffee (made by my wonderful husband, of course) waiting when I wake up.

5. Having the memory increased on my computer so it runs like a dream (silly, huh? but so great!)

Mission and Living in Community

2009-03-16T00:46:00.005-04:00

This is my friend, Katy. She attends Crossroads with us and today was her last day in San Diego. She and her husband, along with their four children, will be traveling cross country as they raise support for the mission field. They are currently planning on leaving for the mission field in August. It was a difficult goodbye for several reasons one of which is that I regret that I didn't have the opportunity to spend as much time as I would have liked with someone I have found so much in common with (did I just end that sentence with a preposition? Ugh). She has been such an example of grace to me in the short time I've known her. I've watched her love her children and her husband with humility and courage and delighted in the joys of seeing God miraculously provide for her in the most unusual ways.

In the midst of her family leaving, our church has been facing a major transition as well. We are moving away from a Sunday gathering/attractional service orientation to smaller Missional Communities that meet weekly and then gather all together once or twice a month. To facilitate this move, the leaders have been studying the concept of Missional Communities or "house churches". This week in particular I was convicted and energized by the areas of mission and the gospel that I have been at the very least ignoring and the worst, running full force from. (There's that damn preposition again!) This morning as our church family said goodbye to Katy and her family and prayed over them and their mission overseas, I knew that God was asking us to support them financially. My first, gut reaction was, "Wait! But I want my house! I need a house! We can't afford to commit any more money to another budget line item!" So as I sat there trying to ignore the Holy Spirit, Matt started his sermon... which was about "Living in Mission". Somewhere in the midst of the sermon he went through a list of what living on mission would be characterized by (sorry... my brain is too tired to phrase these sentence without the prep at the end!). The one that jumped out and slapped me upside the head was "foolish generosity". Oh great. Now God wasn't giving me an excuse. So I argued a little...

"Now, God... here's the deal. I know intellectually that making a commitment that financially doesn't make sense right now, in this economy would just not be wise. Besides, while I'm committed to You and to our church, I still don't 'feel' the passion for this community yet. I don't have real roots here. I'm being obedient but I just don't 'feel' it yet."

No sooner had I gone through the whole spiel then I was overcome with sorrow. Sorrow at my lack of faith, sorrow for the lost and sorrow for my lack of action. The tears just spilled. I knew that we would be making the commitment to Katy and her family. I knew it was right and I knew that I was going to have to trust that God really is sovereign and he has called us to foolish generosity.

So, this is how missional community works. As a member of our community enters into the mission that God has called her to, it has ripple effects throughout the rest of the community. It is spurring me on to live more missionally myself, pushing me toward trusting in God's sovereignty and toward obedience. THIS is what Missional Community is supposed to be.

For more information of the types of Missional Communities I am referring to, visit:

Soma Communities
Crowded House
Tim Chester's Blog
Jeff Vanderstelt's Blog

Emma and her Hilarious Giving...

2009-02-27T00:28:00.005-05:00

Emma visited Mexico last Saturday with Larry to bring food to an orphanage and also a camp for field workers and their families (the children are left at "home" in their tin shacks for hours while their parents work in the fields). This the second time they've gone (last time Landen and Isaac went as well but this past Saturday Landen had rehearsal and Isaac had a football game). They go with a group called Hilarious Givers which was started by a friend of ours who collects food that would otherwise be thrown away and redistributes it in Mexico to people in need. The kids all love this but Emma especially enjoys befriending all the dogs and children. Her heart never ceases to amaze me.

Change is in the air...

2009-02-24T23:23:00.007-05:00

The reality of the troubling economy keeps hitting closer to home. As you probably already know, our economy is in the tank…no where is this more true than in the state of California. This past week our legislature passed a new budget which includes many cuts and many new taxes. Now… our church meets in a middle school where we had set up a special arrangement with the principal… our “rent” was covering their custodial supply budget each month (around $800). We had a fabulous relationship with both the principal and the custodian(who is a Christian). However, this week the school district administrators informed all the schools that they will be fully required to uphold all published rates starting March 1st. This is in an effort to help fund these schools who are losing some of their funding from the state. In our particular situation this would mean a 100-200 % increase in our monthly fees. (We have NOT been singled out… other churches are getting the same news).

The problem this creates for us is several fold. Our church is in an extremely low income section of San Diego county. Our membership’s giving can not sustain an increase in fees. In fact, my brother and his wife have not received a salary in almost a year. They have been surviving on special one time gifts (from outside sources) and credit cards. Our original plan was to start a fundraising “campaign” for this mission to National City. Now, with only two weeks before our rate increases exponentially we are faced with making rapid decisions.

Out of the various options, it looks like our best one is to convert to a “house church” model. So, yesterday Matt and Larry spoke with the congregation (which averages between 80-90 people) and told them the situation and the options with the house church option being the most feasible. We so appreciated your prayers. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Now we covet your prayers as we (RAPIDLY) move into implementation mode. This will be very stressful and we need wisdom.

As I've lived the worries associated with this shift for the last few days, I have been constantly reminded of our Isaac and God's providential hand in what seemed like a bleak outlook. I know from experience that God has his hand on us and our church.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer
in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled
to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

"Desert Song" by Hillsongs United

Isaac-The Football Stud

2009-02-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

Loving My New Camera

2009-02-09T12:15:00.005-05:00

Larry gave me a Canon Rebel for my birthday... I am having the best time playing with it.

Her Morning Elegance

2009-02-06T12:14:00.004-05:00

This video has been making the rounds through cyberspace. My brother sent it to me yesterday and while I absolutely loved the video it was the lyrics that rocked me.

Many of you know but for those who don't, I suffer from dysthymia, which is basically "chronic, low-grade depression". It is difficult to describe to people and it took years to finally admit and get some treatment. I thought for years that it was a character issue or even a spiritual one. And while I believe that I face some spiritual struggles because of the depression, the depression itself cannot be written up to a "lack of faith" or "sin". The other aspect of my depression is that people are often unaware of it or are surprised when they find out that I struggle with it daily. (Yes, daily. Some days the fight is harder than others.) I believe this is for a number of reasons...in general I am strong willed and fairly functional. Also, I have a deep faith that carries me each day and a strangle hold on grace that I won't loosen my grip on. And, if I'm honest right now, I also fake it pretty well in public. There you have it.

So, back to "Her Morning Elegance". I felt like someone had gazed into the heart and head of a woman who knows, experiences what I do on a daily basis. I love the creativity in expressing something that can be so dark yet is a common daily occurrence for those of us who face chronic, low-grade depression each morning. I also love the bed in the video. I can't tell you how often I just want to stay there! It is a great metaphor that resonated with me to the core.

Here are the lyrics...watch the video! (Thank you to the artist, Oren Lavie)

Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in its case
Soon she's down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And she goes...Nobody knows

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And she goes...Nobody knows

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
Where the people are pleasantly
Strange
And counting the change
And she goes...Nobody knows

My Church

2009-02-03T22:27:00.000-05:00

Holiday Shop and Earn Money for Your School Too!

2008-12-10T16:38:00.002-05:00

Anyone out there doing any online shopping this holiday season? While the gas prices have gone down considerably, there is still a draw to shop online to avoid the stampedes and crowds at the shopping malls.

I don't know if you remember me mentioning this when school started but at the beginning of the school year I signed up with Box Tops for Education to help Isaac and Emma's school raise extra funds.

On their website I found they have three ways for schools to earn up to $60,000 every year! You can earn cash for your school every time you 1) shop online at the Box Tops Marketplace, 2) shop for groceries and clip box tops or 3) order books online through the Box Tops Reading Room.
Once again with the holiday season I went back out to their website and from there I followed the link to their "Marketplace". (There are more than 70 stores to choose from... and not some "no-name-can-I-trust-them-to-not-screw-me-over" stores. We're talking Target, Kohls, Limited Too, Hallmark, OfficeMax and Hotels.com. The retailers donate anywhere from .5% to 8% depending on the retailer. I had some Barnes and Noble shopping to do so I clicked on their link from the Marketplace and then signed in with my Barnes and Noble Readers Advantage card and did my shopping! EASY...and my kids' school benefits. Since I already had an account with Barnes and Noble and had previously set up my Box Tops account, everything was very smooth.

I encourage you to try it out. It's a great way to earn items for your school that aren't covered with current funding.
*An extra bonus: The BoxTops for Education website has COUPONS for the General Mills products that have those coveted boxtops!

Three Years Ago. Today.

2008-12-05T12:00:00.004-05:00

On the other side of the world a scared,skinny little girl dressed in two layers of clothing and hugging a large stuffed pig was placed in the arms of two nervous strangers. Today they are a family. Our Madeleine Yan is a blessing we never dreamed of. I can't believe it's been three years!

She has settled into being the "baby" of the family while still retaining some of the "oldest child" tendencies she brought with her into our family. She is outgoing, inquisitive and imaginative and I can't imagine our lives without her.

For more information about adoption see How To Adopt or leave me a comment!

God Doesn't Sleep

2008-12-03T15:11:00.003-05:00

Maddie: Mommy, is God asleep right now?

Mommy: No... the amazing thing about God is that he never sleeps.

Maddie ponders this for a moment then: He is going to be so grouchy!

Sometimes I...

2008-11-14T12:14:00.006-05:00

...miss nursing two of my babies and wish I could have nursed the other two
...know I am more sinful that I would ever admit
...know I am more loved than I could ever imagine
...hate my undisciplined self
...can't believe how I talk to my kids
...love how I make my kids laugh
...need to get away
...am scared of eternity
...feel caught outside of time
...don't think anyone understands
...am overwhelmed by grace
...wish I shared grace more freely with others
...think there may be one more child out there that needs our family
...wake up
...worry that there isn't anything more than what is right now
...don't want "right now" to ever end
...spend too much time comparing myself to everyone else
...miss the sound of a train off in the distance and my chest hurts
...am a total bitch
...remember to apologize
...remember to forgive myself
...take him for granted
...lose myself in the smell of his neck
...am spinning my wheels
...am spinning too many plates
...am spinning tales
...like to shut it all out
...live for the applause of others
...wish I didn't care
...have standards that are too high
...root for the underdog
...wish my children would just grow up
...wish they never would
...am lazy
...realize how much I miss when I'm lazy
...spend too much time in regret
...forget how to dream
...forget how to hope
...forget how to love
...want to be sung to sleep
...feel like a burden
...want a house
...remember to be grateful
...forget
...let my emotional life be dictated by his mood
...feel safer with him than ever
...know I love him more now than ever before
...wonder if he really does love me
...marvel at the father he is to our children
...watch my babies sleep and am held captive by the moment
...remember the moment my soul met each of my child's souls and they recognized each other as family

Shameless (but hope-full) Plug

2008-11-04T12:29:00.003-05:00

Halloween is here again...

2008-10-29T10:21:00.007-04:00

Yes. It's true. I know you have all been waiting. Holding your breath. It's the Annual Baldwin Family Halloween Photos! Wheeeee! Unfortunately, our scanner has some issues... sorry for the smears...

The Hope Box

2008-10-22T23:35:00.006-04:00

“Do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother… Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart” (Deuteronomy 15:7-11).

Several years ago a few women and I went through a study called "Compassion By Command", a faith-based curriculum designed to mobilize Christians to reach out to the poor. The study takes participants deep into Scripture to better understand God’s heart for the poor and the responsibility that Christians have in helping those in poverty. At the end of the study, they challenge you to come up with your own "project" to reach out to those in poverty. In the midst of our brainstorming, one of the ideas we came up with was a box for people to keep in their cars with items for the homeless people we often encounter at stoplights here in San Diego. The idea didn't take off at the time but... fast forward to the Baldwin kids' fall intercession.

Three weeks of no school when most other schools are in session. Time to kill and time to fill. I told the kids about the original idea and they kind of took off with it. My brother, Matt, who is our pastor, often says, "You don't need a church program to love your neighbor". Well, we decided to just go for it, create a box and provide empty boxes to others at church so that they could do the same thing. We created a list of practical items to which homeless people often don't have access. We made trips to the 99 Cent Store and Big Lots and stocked up on items plus a few empty plastic containers. Emma dubbed the project, "Hope Box". They were excited about putting our Hope Box together and it was fun to browse the aisles deciding what to include and explaining why to the kids.

To prepare for introducing our Hope Boxes, we printed up a list with suggested items and taped them onto the inside of each plastic container. We then drew up a "pledge" that we wanted people to sign when they picked up their empty boxes. The pledge read:

I pledge to, through the Hope Box Project, participate in redeeming my city for God. By helping to practically provide for those who are in need, I pray God will use me as an instrument of healing and as a window to the gospel. I will not use this opportunity to build my pride or feel superior but will recognize my need and my poverty and choose to identify with and fellowship with those who live and breathe financial poverty. I will use the interactions with those in need as an opportunity to move beyond “doing a good deed” into building relationships. I pledge to replenish my Hope Box when it is empty, to speak with love and act with compassion.

We introduced the Hope Box last week. We are hoping that people will return with stories... stories of hope, stories of changes (especially changes in the hearts of those serving) and stories of the Gospel in action.

I encourage you to come up with your own ideas. Share them here! I want to hear all about them.

* Here is our suggested list of items (but by no means all inclusive):

Water Bottles
Band-Aids
Gloves
Tarps
Ponchos
Neosporin
Sunscreen
Beef jerky
Trail mix
Deodorant
Wipes
Tissues
Travel Toothbrushes w/ toothpaste
Flashlights/Batteries
Granola Bars
Feminine Hygiene Products

Beer. The Safer Investment.

2008-10-10T12:03:00.003-04:00

Many thanks to Jen at Amazing Trips for passing this on!

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left. With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left. With AIG, you would have less than $15 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Road Trip...

2008-09-29T23:33:00.010-04:00

Sunday morning we rose at the crack of dawn, loaded up our Pilot, cruised over to Starbucks and the Bagel Bar and thus began our ascent up the coast of California. Our destination: Los Osos, California (a tiny town just west of San Luis Obispo and south of Morro Bay). It was a chance to introduce Maddie to Daddy's hometown and create more memories for the older three kids.

Our destination up the coast used to be Gramma and Poppa's house... first in Los Osos and then later in Paso Robles (wine country, just north of San Luis Obispo and filmed beautifully in the movie "Sideways"). Gramma and Poppa moved to Kentucky right after our family moved to Indiana which made this visit a little strange and unfamiliar. However, we booked a room with our Marriott rewards points (the best advantage to Larry having a job with travel) and have spent the last couple days exploring Larry's childhood stomping grounds.

Yesterday, we went to downtown San Luis. Then we hopped in the car and drove over to Morro Bay just as the typical wall of fog started rolling in off the ocean. We drove by Larry's high school, his first job (Burger King, if you were wondering) and marveled at the changes that had taken place since our last visit. When we arrived at the Embarcadero, we were surprised to find a music festival taking place and were serenaded by Sean Kingston singing "Beautiful Girls". We grabbed some fish and chips with clam chowder and then drove past Larry's childhood home in Los Osos.

Today we headed out to Montana de Oro, a beautiful beach with rugged cliffs and hidden caves. Later we drove down to Avila Beach and visited with the pelicans and sea lions. The kids loved hearing stories of Larry's childhood and being reminded of places they had been before.

Yes... The Baldwin Family is still alive and kicking...

2008-09-25T22:03:00.009-04:00

I know it's been forever and ever since I updated my blog. Sorry about that. Life is still crazy and seems even crazier these days. The kids are all on fall intercession which, for those of you who are used to traditional school schedules, is the three week break during the fall for kids who attend "year-round" schools.

Yesterday we took a trip to Petco to trade some unused tickets for tomorrow night's game and went to the Animal Shelter to adopt a bunny for Emma. Emma has dubbed the bunny, Ella, and we pick her up on Saturday after she's had her...(clearing throat)... "surgery".

Today was a trip to the zoo with my mom and her students...then a doctor's appointment for Maddie and finally drama class for Landen. Whew... we're tired.

Tomorrow is the beach with my cousin, Lori, and her kids and then the Padre game with friends and family.

Here are some highlights from our zoo and Dr. visit today...

Landen and Mom

Hippos snuggling under water

Me with my buds in our diva glasses (Erica on left; Dana on right)

Maddie with her friend, Serena (Erica's daughter)

My baby girl...

2008-09-12T13:44:00.003-04:00

Emma got baptized last Sunday by her Uncle Matt. She was baptized along with her cousin, Shaye, and fellow Crossroads member, Patty Mendez. It was a wonderful time of music and celebration. A reminder of the gospel and it's healing, redemptive power.

Soon End In Joy

2008-09-05T01:15:00.004-04:00

Frankly, I needed to hear this tonight. As "Over the Rhine" would say... 'Lord, we need a new redemption song'. This was my gift tonight. Timing is everything. Many thanks to Charlie Lowell, Dan Haseltine, Matt Odmark, Stephen Mason.
Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, He'll lift up your head
God will lift up, lift up your head

Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong

How wise and how strong
How strong is His hand

Through waves and clouds and storms,
He gently clears the way
Wait 'cause in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

God will lift up your head
Soon end in joy

Shopping for Education

2008-09-03T11:56:00.005-04:00

Anyone else out there remember the days of cutting labels off of Campbell's soup cans or the box tops off your cereal to take into school so that your class would win the pizza/ice cream/no homework party? Our pantry would be stocked with unlabeled cans of soup marked with a Sharpie from our "night-before-the-deadline" collection of as many labels as could fit into our backpacks.

These days, many of these school support programs have expanded to the Internet as well. I found that Box Tops for Education now has three ways for schools to earn up to $60,000 every year! You can earn cash for your school every time you 1) shop online at the Box Tops Marketplace, 2) shop for groceries and clip box tops or 3) order books online through the Box Tops Reading Room.

So, I tried it! I went to their website and registered to support Isaac and Emma's elementary school. From there I followed the link to their "Marketplace". Here's where it got good! There are more than 70 stores to choose from... and not some "no-name-can-I-trust-them-to-not-screw-me-over" stores. We're talking Target, Kohls, Limited Too (Hel-lo! Do your school clothes shopping AND get a donation for your school... Limited Too donates 5% of your purchase!), Hallmark, OfficeMax and Hotels.com. The retailers donate anywhere from .5% to 8% depending on the retailer. So I clicked on Target, picked up some goodies and checked out. Simple as that.

The only issues I came across was having to register again once I reached the retailer's site. Reducing the amount of personal info you need to type to get through the whole transaction would have made it even easier. I also would have liked to see the "results" right away. According to the BoxTops website, it could take up to 8 weeks for the retailer to report back. But, nonetheless, I will be checking regularly to see those bucks add up.

I encourage you to try it out. It's a great way to earn items for your school that aren't covered with current funding.

*An extra bonus: The BoxTops for Education website has COUPONS for the General Mills products that have those coveted boxtops!

The Passing of This Season...

2008-08-11T15:37:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Emma and I said "goodbye" to our house in Granger. I've spent the last few days supervising packers, carpet cleaners, and movers, all the while preparing the house for our new tenants. I cleaned in spurts occasionally picking up the spackling blade or paint brush to touch up the walls. As I drifted from project to project I couldn't shake the death imagery that kept coming to mind. I am a very visual person and sometimes the only way I can describe emotions or situations is through pictures and symbols.

While struggling to explain to a friend the emotional detachment I was feeling as I wandering through the rooms of my house and drove through the streets of my former neighborhood, I kept picturing veils over mirrors, as they do in some Jewish communities during a time of mourning. I felt as if I had placed a veil over my emotions in regards to the death of this season of life. There was also this impression of preparing a body for burial as I lovingly cleaned each corner and dressed each flaw in my home.

There is no doubt that I am sad. I'm eating like crap, not sleeping well, restless, having stomach pains. But the emotions are not up front. There are no tears. This transition has been a long time coming. Somewhat like a loved one who has suffered and been ill for a long time. You are prepared for the death, maybe even hope for it at times, but it is still painful when it happens.

Before we left, a tearful Emma climbed up to the first landing of our stairs. I thought she was on her way to see her empty bedroom. Instead she stopped at the landing and swung her leg over the banister for one last slide.

Back in Indiana...

2008-08-08T13:14:00.004-04:00

Emma and I left Wednesday to fly back to Granger to meet the movers. We have leased the house and our renters will be moving in next Monday. Here we are waiting at the airport with Starbucks in hand.

At the moment I am waiting for the moving van... it is FOUR hours late. I'm a bit frustrated. I can't do much cleaning or painting when there are boxes and furniture strewn throughout the house.

On top of that, our lease agreement still isn't signed because the renters wanted their lawyer to review it. Their lawyer finally got back to our realtor today and they are asking to write in that if they want to purchase the house at the end of the lease that they can purchase it for almost 20k less than what we're asking right now for it and that we will apply all of their rental payments toward the purchase price. WTH? That's a year away! I'm not prepared to lower the price that much when we don't even know what the market will be a year from now. I'm really aggravated right now... can you tell? What if this blows the whole deal? I know, I know. "What if" should not be in my vocabulary but after several years of too many of the "what if's" actually happening, I can't break the habit.

What, if anything, is aggravating YOU today? Please... take my mind off of this for a few minutes.

Good Morning America Tomorrow

2008-08-05T14:27:00.002-04:00

Steven Curtis Chapmas and his family are appearing tomorrow morning (currently the time slot is just after 8 am) on Good Morning America. I encourage you to hold up their family in prayer and pray that hearts will be open to hearing the message of hope that is professed.

From Steven's Road Manager's Blog: House Mix

Press Release: NASHVILLE, TN....AUGUST 4, 2008....GRAMMY and Dove Award winning artist Steven Curtis Chapman, along with his wife Mary Beth, and eldest children Emily, Caleb, and Will, will soon be opening their hearts to America about the loss of their daughter and sister Maria Chapman this past May 21st. GOOD MORNING AMERICA will air a special interview with Robin Roberts from The Chapman’s home in Franklin on August 6th, followed by a live interview from Los Angeles on LARRY KING LIVE on August 7th, and an extensive feature in an upcoming issue of PEOPLE magazine. The decision to speak publicly was not an easy one, and these will be the first interviews the family has participated in since Maria’s death.

“Initially Steven talked about never doing any concerts or media ever again,” comments Jim Houser, Chapman’s manager. “But quickly God began to show Steven that if he ever believed the songs he was writing, singing and recording before May 21st and Maria’s loss, that they must still be true now. It’s the family’s hope that these appearances with serve as a chance to proclaim to a watching world what they know and are deeply convinced of even in these difficult days, the Gospel is true and faith in Christ is our Hope.” (for remainder of release click HERE)

For the rest of the release and more on Maria, the Chapman family and Shaohannah's Hope (their orphan ministry) CLICK

Baldwin Family Update...

2008-07-27T00:07:00.009-04:00

Wow... it's been a month since our family packed up 6 suitcases, a stroller, our cat, our dog and a carseat and left our home in Indiana to move out west. No covered wagon for this family... it was United airlines all the way.

We've spent the last few weeks becoming re-acclimated to California living (as evidenced by small changes like the piercings in Isaac's ears), settling into living with Grandma and Papi, visiting old friends and more...

Just a few highlights:

My parents live across the street from an elementary school which happens to be on a year-round schedule...so... last week Emma and Isaac joined the local throng of back-to-school shoppers. We purchased their uniforms and off they went to their first day of school in California.

Maddie has been taking swim lessons for the last four weeks and successfully learned to swim underwater to her teacher and back to the stairs!!! I am so proud of her!

This past Thursday, Landen attended Comic Con in downtown San Diego with my brother, Joe. He met up with a friend of ours from college, Doug TenNapel, author of such graphic novels as "Tommysaurus Rex" and "Creature Tech" and creator of the Nickelodeon show "Catscratch". My brother, Joe, used to stay with Doug in the men's dorms when he would visit me at school so it was a reunion of sorts.

I've begun working at Lamb's Players Theatre again. I'm doing box office work and I've had the most wonderful time reconnecting with everyone again. On Friday night, I took my mom to the preview performance of "Pretty Fire" and outside the theatre ran into Greg Grunberg (star of "Heroes"). He graciously signed an autograph for me to take home to Landen that read, "Landen, I know what you're thinking!" He was incredibly friendly and has a lovely family.

Blog Block...

2008-07-21T13:12:00.004-04:00

I am suffering from Blog Block. Life is full. There is much to discuss. There are pictures to share, thoughts to reveal, insecurities to exorcise, opinions to spew, rants to run-on. But.

But I can't find the "whatever" to just do it. Put it all into words. Share it. Some of it feels too private. Some too insignificant. I believe it might be moving out of Blogger Block and into Blogger Insecurity. Who knows?

What keeps you from blogging? I mean, besides just "busy-ness". And when you run up against it what do you do to move past it or through it? Please. Share.

Adjusting My Definition...

2008-07-14T16:03:00.004-04:00

of "Hospitality"...

Reading Tim Chester's blog this morning on 'Creating Communities of Grace", I came across this statement:

Consider the requirement of hospitality. It is literally ‘love of strangers’. This is not inviting friends to dinner parties. This means inviting strangers, difficult people, messy people.
We are to be the neighbours that everyone wants to have as neighbours.

Ummm...'nuf said.

My New Old Home

2008-07-08T00:11:00.004-04:00

Gotta love being back in California...

2008-06-29T00:00:00.006-04:00

Today we took Isaac to the Dutch's Touch Tattoo shop to get his ears pierced like his cousin Dakota.

Isaac getting pierced by "Seth" while cousin Dakota looks on.

Sportin' the needle while he waits for the hoop to be put in.

Still smilin' and no tears... what a stud!

For My Dad...

2008-06-14T14:33:00.000-04:00

Larry and I had a very intense dating relationship. Things got serious very quickly and at one point the inevitable happened. We broke up. (I say “inevitable” because I think any couple with that intense of a relationship needs one good break up before the lifelong commitment.) I remember the night clearly… it was raining and we were standing outside my studio apartment in Pt. Loma and he told me (and can I just say I get intense pleasure from reminding him), “God has someone for everyone and I don’t think we’re it for each other.” Now at the time I was absolutely convinced that he was “the one” so this completely shattered my heart into a gazillion pieces. But in the midst of this, Larry and God gave me a gift.

You see, after Larry left I walked back to my apartment and called my mom and dad who were about 20 minutes away. It was late at night and I woke my dad up. Through tears I asked my dad if I could come home for the night. He said, “Of course…I get the spare room ready.” (Now, this meant a sleeping bag on the floor but I wanted home more than a bed at the moment.) So, I jumped in my car and, listening to sappy music, cried my way home.

A little background: My dad came into my life about 7 months after my birth father was killed in Vietnam. Some mutual friends had invited my mom and dad to a picnic and my dad says that when he saw my mom walking across the grass with me he knew she was the one he would marry. But things did not come easily for me and Dad. Both of us had passionate, strong, choleric temperaments and would butt heads at every corner. He was also a strong disciplinarian while I was one who always had to learn the hard way… not the best combination. I began struggling with depression as a teen and it often came out in anger while my Dad also struggled with anger. We fought so often and things were so tense that it is often hard for me to come up with tender, warm memories of my time growing up with him. Even our physical affection like hugs and kissed was strained at best. When I reached college he began a transformation. He was in the midst of this when I called in tears that rainy night.

When I arrived home, my dad was waiting up for me. He let me in the front door and I remember clearly that he didn’t push me to talk or ask me why I was crying. I went into the spare room and crawled into the sleeping bag and sobbed into my pillow. After a few minutes I heard someone kneeling down beside me. Soon a hand started stroking my head. It was my dad. He never said a word. Just let me cry. This was my gift. A beautiful, tender memory with my dad. I will never forget it. While things would still become rocky at times between us, this memory was burned in my heart forever.

So to the two most important dads in my life:

Larry: Thank you for giving me that moment with my dad. Oh, and for deciding that you were wrong. God did mean for us to be together.

Dad: Thank you for just letting me cry. Thank you for sitting there until I fell asleep, worn out with tears. Thank you for the tenderness you showed me that night. I love you.

Happy Father’s Day

Wanna see somethin' cute?

2008-06-13T20:03:00.003-04:00

Isn't he adorable? And I love him even more almost 18 years later!

(And.. yes. That is an 80's/early 90's perm under that veil.)

This weekend at Wendy's...

2008-06-13T15:04:00.004-04:00

This weekend Wendy's restaurants are donating $.50 for every Frosty sold to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. So... go splurge! They have new flavors and they're handspun... YUM! Click on the Frosty to get more information. Think I'll scrap my diet for the weekend and help them reach their goal!!!

My handsome 11 year old!

2008-06-11T14:26:00.002-04:00

Isaac turned 11 last week. He is so grown up and getting so handsome... if I do say so myself. For the story of how God knitted him into our family read this previous post from April 15, 2007.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-06-03T21:58:00.001-04:00

Today I saw Jesus...

2008-06-03T16:40:00.004-04:00

Today I saw Jesus in my daughter, Emma (9 yrs old). This morning Maddie (our 4 year old) was scheduled to get four shots (she's catching up on immunizations here in the U.S.). Knowing this, Emma put together a gift bag with things she had found while packing that she didn't use anymore (or didn't use often)... a stuffed animal, a few books and a cute horse necklace (a nice one but Emma's not a jewelry girl and Maddie lives for accessories). She wrote on the note attached to the bag, " To Maddie, I love you. You did great with your shots!" She also enclosed a note that had one of her famous dog drawings and "Good job on your shots!" written in big letters across the top.

Emma went along with us to the doctor's office and spent the entire time leading up to the appointment distracting her with drawing and talking. At one point, while Emma was doing Maddie's seat belt for her (something she usually gripes about when I ask her to do it), Maddie says, "Mommy! Emma loves me!" I guess all the extra attention was sending a message! After the shots had been administered and the tears dried, Emma walked out with her to the car. As soon as they were in their seats, she leaned over to where she had "hidden" Maddie's present and gave it to her! Maddie was thrilled. She put on the necklace immediately and has been playing with everything else since. On top of the gift giving, Emma pulled out one of the books and started reading it to her in the car. It was so very sweet and thoughtful and I was so thrilled and proud that she did this on her own. I love that little girl.

Sweetly Broken

2008-05-30T10:19:00.005-04:00

Fear is a miserable companion. It begins in the pit of my stomach before my mind even registers it's existence. It cloaks itself in depression and sometimes anger. It insinuates itself into every response, masking it's true position as an idol in my heart with euphemisms like "worry" and "concern". The reality is that I have some major trust issues. The fact that I'm an oldest child should not justify my unwillingness to relinquish control but it's an excuse I often spout with just enough of a smile that I seem transparent and able to laugh at my own foibles.

Last night, our worship pastor, Ryan, slipped a song into the set that we hadn't rehearsed the night before. (We have Thursday night services during the summer.) It was the hymn (updated and accompanied by electric guitar, of course) "I Surrender All". Ummm. Yeah. Can we just skip that one?

Here's the thing. I don't want to. Surrender all, that is. It's too frightening for me, especially when what I see looks hopeless. I look at the fact that our house has been on the market for 9 months...that's right. NINE months... and it hasn't sold in a market where other houses are selling in just a few months. I mean, it's not like we're in Southern California where the market is tanking. Our house is gorgeous and in one of the best, most coveted developments in Granger and no. one. will. buy. it. Meanwhile, our family is apart 2-3 weeks out of each month while Larry travels to work. This puts serious strain on our family dynamics as we readjust every few days to different schedules and expectations. We also have one car. With brakes that need to be fixed. Then I find myself worried about arriving in San Diego and having nowhere to live. Or having to settle (something an oldest child absolutely hates to do). There is something in me that absolutely rebels against taking our children away from a beautiful home that they love and moving them into something less. I know it's shallow but it makes me sick (how's that for transparency?). Without selling this house we will not qualify for anything and even with selling our house, we qualify for very little (a result of a couple of very difficult years here in Granger). My fears start to compound and I am unable to see God working in any of this.

Now, I should make it quite clear that I know things could be so much worse. And you should know that Larry is an incredible father and husband and takes take of us in ways that I believe most men would not. Without his wisdom, the circumstances that blindsided and crippled us could have resulted in much more dire consequences. Because of him (and certainly not me because I have not the discipline nor the financial acumen) we have avoided bankruptcy, foreclosure, delinquencies, loss of medical care and much more. I know that God carried us through those times with a clarity that I wish I could hold onto for more than a brief moment.

So, returning to last night... we came out of communion singing "I Surrender All" and I was fighting it. My attempts to disengage started to erode somewhere around verse two:

All to Jesus I surrender
Humbly at His feet I bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

Slowly the layers of resolve began to peel away despite my best efforts to stayed pissed at God. The set was orchestrated to move from "I Surrender All" into "Sweetly Broken" (Jeremy Riddle) with me leading. By the time I hit the chorus I had to drop out. I broke. The tears streamed down my face as I was reminded anew that 'God is love and God is just.'

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

I was so beautifully brought into recognition of His sovereignty despite my willful distrust. I am praying this morning as the pit in my stomach takes up it's normal residency that Christ will invade my space moment by moment today. That He will reveal himself to me in ways that assault my selfish nature and infringe on my comfort. That He will continue to humble me and transform my yearnings until they align with His will. That His kingdom will come, His will be done in my heart and life as it is in heaven.

Isaac graduates from 5th grade and elementary school...

2008-05-28T17:12:00.008-04:00

Two Best Friends acting goofy and showing off their new Discovery Middle School Shirts
(left: Zach Bonek; right: Our Isaac)

Nick, Zach and Isaac with their "diplomas"

Isaac with Mrs. Nash (His teacher for both 4th and 5th)

But I always thought that I'd see you again...

2008-05-26T08:42:00.006-04:00

Today the nation observes Memorial Day commemorating U.S. men and women who perished while in military service to their country. For some of us it is much more personal. For my mother it is a loud reminder of a memory that is usually quietly tucked away in the safe recesses of her heart. A memory of a high school sweetheart, an earnest young husband, a new daddy and a war gone wrong. For me it summons stories told by a wistful grandparent who loved a boy as her own. Stories of love. A boy crossing the street hiding the Bible his dad hated under his shirt and sneaking to church. A teenager asking out the little sister of his one true love so he can tag along and watch his love with another. A young man in uniform vowing to have and to hold until 'death do us part'. The new father holding his newborn baby girl up to the large mirror in grandma's living room insisting, "Grandma, isn't she the prettiest baby you ever saw? Isn't she?" A dreaded telegram and a Valentine's card he sent but didn't arrive until after he was gone. This is Memorial Day for me. Today I honor Dana Randolph Barker (July 21, 1947 - February 13, 1969). 1st Lieutenant in the U.S. Army. Causality number 37551. The father I never knew.

I hope she looks like you
I hope she fights like me
Stands up for
the innocent and the weak
-"If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw

mercy, Jesus, mercy

2008-05-21T23:01:00.004-04:00

This is horrific news. The 5 year old daughter of Steven Curtis Chapman, Maria, was killed this evening in their own driveway (pictured to the right: Maria and Steven) Apparently, one of his teenage son's was backing out of the driveway in an SUV and didn't see her. I am sick. Jesus, sweet Jesus, please be with this family and this boy.

Larry and I had just worked his South Bend concert in March and were so moved by his passion for the orphan and adoption. For the full story click here or on the picture of Maria and Steven.

In the words of Jen Zug, "I think I'm throwing up a little in my mouth..."

2008-05-21T08:35:00.002-04:00

Little did you know with the title above that we would be discussing American Idol 2008 finals! And, yes, fully knowing that my husband thinks I'm taking this a little too seriously, I have to say that I have never in my life seen such Flagrant pimping from the judges. And frankly, I'm not sure I understand the reasons why. In my mind, the mind of a consumer, I would think that David Cook is the bigger money maker with a more definitive radio-friendly sound. David Archuleta, who arguably has one of the most accurate and pure voices to ever grace the AI stage, is a "crooner". When was the last time you heard a guy sing a cheesy ballad on a top 40 station? And, yes, people. My radio is often tuned to top-40. I have kids and I can't always be listening to talk radio, NPR or alternative adult contemporary folk/rock. Besides, sometimes I actually enjoy it! And I would enjoy it even more if David Cook was on it!!!! Someone who takes more risks with his song choices and arrangements and is old enough to make those risks and choices on his own (without parental interference). I have a feeling I am going to be disappointed tonight.

Landen Leaves for DC

2008-05-19T21:09:00.004-04:00

Landen taking his suitcase to the bus.

Each year the 8th graders at Landen's middle school go on a tour of Washington DC. This is his year! He left tonight in a caravan of 5 charter buses full of 8th graders. He is going to have SO much fun and I am so excited for him.

The Roomies (Landen is 2nd from the right in the "strongbad" shirt)

Our little spring discovery...

2008-05-17T22:50:00.003-04:00

We have three very new, very naked, very tiny friends under our deck...

Mama was close by keeping watch over her babies while we checked them out. We are very excited about watching them grow over the next few weeks!

My new favorite thing...

2008-05-15T20:34:00.003-04:00

And I am NOT getting paid by anyone to say this (although those of you who try it and end up saving thousands of dollars in pedicures, may want to treat me to lunch... I'm just sayin').

A while back I saw this little device being reviewed on some morning news show and was surprised by the fact that it looked as if it actually worked.

Now, I am a barefoot girl. I hate shoes and the shoes I do like to wear are ones I can slip on and off very easily (didn't go so well living here in Indiana in the winter after being used to San Diego weather). Because of my distaste for covering my feet in soft socks and closed shoes, my feet are very tough and rugged. This means that on the rare occasion that I can get an extended amount of alone time and the funds to get a pedicure, the poor nail tech has to work a miracle to get my feet to look pretty and feel soft.

Fast forward to yesterday as I was picking up prescriptions at our friendly neighborhood WalGreens. Sprinting through the aisles my eyes glimpsed the PedEgg display on an end shelving unit with a SALE sign directly above. The SALE sign is what made me stop. I thought, in a impulse buying moment, "wth?" and threw one in my little basket.

Let me tell you, people... it is worth it's weight in gold and so much more! I cannot rave enough about the results... I will be saving SO much money on pedi's!!!!! My feet are like new... they feel fabulous and I am one happy little thrifty mama.

Empower Some Girls in Africa

2008-05-14T11:06:00.004-04:00

Buy my friend, Jen's, zine today! I did.

There are limited quantities!

Read about it and buy here: http://tinyurl.com/6gk4ag

I am so proud of her and her dream!

* Illustration used with permission

Should I be worried?

2008-05-12T22:16:00.006-04:00

Mother's Day Video - Grandma Teez Version

2008-05-11T00:04:00.003-04:00

My boys...

2008-05-09T20:09:00.008-04:00

I picked Isaac up after 5th grade camp today. I can't believe he's going into middle school...frightening. He had a great time and arrived home tired and full of wonderful memories.

Isaac, Zach and Nick

Tonight is Landen's 8th grade dance. While one son is leaving elementary and joining the ranks of the junior high schoolers... this one is moving out of that world and into the scary world of high school. As he left, Maddie said, "he looks SO handsome..."

Love Thursday

2008-05-08T10:21:00.005-04:00

This week our family fell in love. Our dear psuedo-sister, Heather, came out from California to visit and brought her two-year old, Kyler, with her. Now, don't get me wrong. He is definitely TWO! But he is also affectionate, clever, hysterically funny and the biggest Bret Favre fan on the planet. One of the funniest things was Kyler trying to get his mouth around "Isaac" which came out as "Ice-kick" but sounding eerily close to "Ass-kick" delighting all who heard.

Additionally, Emma enjoyed teaching Kyler tricks. Witness Kyler's knack for the vernacular.

I love this little girl...

2008-05-06T21:45:00.002-04:00

Wordless Wednesday

2008-04-30T11:11:00.002-04:00

Today's Adventure

2008-04-26T22:20:00.005-04:00

Here’s some pictures from today’s adventure. For those who don’t know, yesterday afternoon I had a call from my Dear friend, Rita, asking me if I would be willing to sing the National Anthem for an appearance by Hillary Clinton at Covelesky Stadium (home of the South Bend Silverhawks). Without much time to get nervous, I agreed. Here’s the proof! (disclaimer: participation in this event does not constitute an endorsement on the part of Melissa Baldwin. Side bar: although I must say she is much softer in person and not as cold as her television persona)

Shaking Hillary's Hand

Announcement...

2008-04-25T22:26:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I will be singing the National Anthem at Coveleski Stadium for Hillary Clinton. I just found out about this a couple hours ago and so I'm a little stressed...what do I wear for instance? It's a daytime gig in a ballpark and it should be about 50-55 degrees. Not to mention my bronchial dilemma. I think I'll go to bed now and get some good sleep!

Also...right before our Hillary visit, Isaac has his opening day game for baseball. He will be pitching!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-04-23T13:08:00.002-04:00

Who Are You Voting For?

2008-04-19T14:14:00.003-04:00

I know I haven't posted in ages...between spring vacation and being sick I just haven't had it in me. However, I received this picture from a friend this week and just had to share (Thanks, Shane!). Take a look...are you voting for Larry, Moe or Curly???

Barack Visits South Bend

2008-04-10T11:01:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I dragged my Republican husband to Washington High School to see Barack Obama in person. I can't begin to describe the beauty of the diversity present so all I will say is that there was every age, race and economic status represented. I spent most of the 2 1/2 hours of waiting for the appearance just people watching and I must say it felt like a taste of heaven. Here is just a little clip from last night.

143 million

2008-04-02T10:04:00.002-04:00

A couple of years ago Larry and I grabbed hold of our friend, Karin's dream of an orphan ministry at our church and launched "Father's Heart". As we prepared for our move we were eager to find someone who could take ownership of the ministry, continue it's mission and expand its influence. God answered our prayers in the form of THREE people! One for each arm of Father's Heart. These women are uniquely gifted to complement one another and I am so very thankful that God called them to Father's Heart and that they responded so enthusiastically. Shelley Walatka is our new "adoption" liaison, Berette Bonebrake is our CASA expert and Candace Labron is heading up the foster parenting arm. Take a look at the video Shelley put together (you might even recognize some of the people!):

Bragging Rights...

2008-03-29T21:41:00.002-04:00

Bragging on Emma today... her artwork and photo are featured on Snapfish's Mother's Day Page (she drew the horse and stable picture and her photo is on the featured photo necklace on the right side of the page)

Take a look!

Deliver me...

2008-03-27T14:12:00.003-04:00

My soul was bruised yesterday. I was struggling to find perspective because my emotions were flattened and gray and refusing to comply with my strict orders to “snap out of it”. In these times, I am sometimes at a loss for words to pray and frankly in these time I often don't even possess the desire to speak with my God. The Holy Spirit will often send a faint melody bubbling up from the recesses of my memory to give voice to my emptiness and prompt me to pray. Yesterday it was Margaret Becker's Deliver Me:

I was just about to tell You
What I'm sure You already know
How my throat is tight with crying
Yet my soul is arctic blue
'Cause I've seen some tears that didn't move me
Whispered words I didn't mean
Held back all my love for anger
Grown so weak in all these things
So in all these things

Deliver me from me
And deliver me to You
Come and set me free
Come and find me tried and true
Come on now
Deliver me from me

I was just about to run away
As far as far could go
When I recognized the cruelest captors
Living right inside my soul
And I can't escape their endless movements
Cannot shed them like a skin
Can't control all these emotions
Cannot live while they're within
So in all these things

Deliver me from me
And deliver me to You
Come and set me free
Come and find me tried and true
Come on now
Deliver me from
me

And now I'm falling, falling
Dreaming of Your arms of mercy
They are soft as the new winter snow

Deliver me from me
And deliver me to You
Come and set me free
Come and find me tried and true
Come on now
Deliver me from
me

Wordless Wednesday

2008-03-26T11:01:00.003-04:00

My baby is FOURTEEN...

2008-03-24T22:26:00.008-04:00

The oldest... the one you learn everything with... my first baby is fourteen. He is gifted in so many ways. He's creative, funny, brilliant in a scary way but most of all he has a heart for the gospel. I love him so. (Yes, that's me with the big hair. And that's Uncle Joe holding little Landen)

These photos are when Landen got his "very own brother" (his words when he found out we were adopting Isaac) and then with his brother this week. By the way, when he was three he would beg me for that haircut... he called it a "circle head".

Happy Easter from the Baldwin Bungalow

2008-03-23T15:28:00.001-04:00

What????

2008-03-21T22:52:00.003-04:00

I took this photo at South Bend Regional Airport when I was dropping off Larry the other day. Apparently our 'goodbyes' can be said AT the airport...

regarding the Gramma...

2008-03-19T21:44:00.003-04:00

At bedtime the other night while Gramma Kerns is visiting:

Em: Mom, I think Gramma loves Jesus SO much that she should be a visiting pastor sometime. She would be really good at it.

You know, if I can be known for nothing else, I hope it is that I love Jesus so much...like Emma's Gramma.

Ain't No Reason...

2008-03-18T16:07:00.001-04:00

This is a must watch...all the way to the end.

What American Accent Do You Have?

2008-03-17T21:30:00.001-04:00

My friend, Tonni, did this on her blog and they nailed her! So, I thought I'd try it and sure enough...they got me too. Try it yourself but if you do, make sure you leave me a comment and tell me if they've got you pegged and what label they gave you!

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The West Your accent is the lowest common denominator of American speech. Unless you're a SoCal surfer, no one thinks you have an accent. And really, you may not even be from the West at all, you could easily be from Florida or one of those big Southern cities like Dallas or Atlanta.
The Midland
Boston
North Central
The South
The Inland North
Philadelphia
The Northeast
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Two Concerts...

2008-03-17T12:37:00.008-04:00

Last Sunday a group of us from our church's orphan ministry, Father's Heart, worked at the Steven Curtis Chapman concert. We specifically were there to answer questions about adoption and help promote his "Show Hope" campaign where money is collected in change buckets and then the funds go toward grants for those going through the adoption process. We had a great time and it was so encouraging to talk to so many other people who feel called to adopt.

Then last Thursday, Emma had a short performance at school with her music class. She sang, played recorder and the xylophone. She was SO nervous (look at pic to the left). She kept looking up at me and I would mime deep breathing so she could try to relax! She did great...look at the concentration going into playing that xylophone.

Fun with Mice...

2008-03-10T12:19:00.005-04:00

hosted by Maddie Baldwin

costume design by Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate Mix

Extras provided by Big Sister's Horse Collection

Starring
Sleeping Beauty
(aka The Skinny Mouse)
and
Jan
(aka The Fat One...yes, she was named after Jan in "Grease")

Love Thursday...a day late...

2008-03-07T07:34:00.001-05:00

She'll always be my baby.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-03-05T16:59:00.008-05:00

Stuff kids say...

2008-03-03T20:41:00.002-05:00

Tonight. Maddie prays.

"Dear Jesus, Help Mommy get her joy. Help Daddy get his joy. Help EVERYBODY get their joy."

Yesterday. Emma.

"I just love Christmas. You know how on Christmas day it just seems you wake up breathing different air?"

My girl (s)...

2008-02-28T09:36:00.006-05:00

I found a graded paper that Emma left out on the table this morning. On the bottom was a "Writing Activity" instructing the student to write a paragraph about what you can do to help the planet and to use at least three spelling words. Here is Emma's paragraph (I think she's found her voice, don't you?):

Do you live in a city or what? Well, city or not, we have to make a giant change. Stop smoking! Find something else addicting like chocolate! You should see the changes we can make.

Chocolate! I love it!

I also just need to share how grown up my baby is getting...we took these this morning. And, NO, I don't let her wear lip gloss (yet). She was playing in my bathroom while I was getting ready... but you have to admit, pink is her color!

Wordless (Mon, Tue and...) Wednesday

2008-02-27T16:59:00.009-05:00

Me and My Dana

2008-02-24T21:04:00.001-05:00

California Dreamin'

2008-02-23T23:35:00.010-05:00

My Friday started off early when I woke to the smell of fresh brewed coffee (Thank you, honey!). I was already packed so I got dressed and then went room to room making beds since there was going to be a showing after Larry dropped me at the airport. Everything really went so smoothly... too smoothly. At the airport I checked my bag and headed down to the gate to settle in with my new library book, Auralia's Colors (Thanks, Jen!), and my "breakfast" (see photo) while I waited for my flight. The weather was beautiful so I was confident there would be no delays and I would make my connecting flight in Chicago. I was scheduled to take off from South Bend at 9:10 am, arriving in Chicago 1/2 an hour later, leaving 40 minutes later for San Diego and arriving in SD around noon. Silly, naive girl.

As I was reading, I overhead the man across from me saying something about a flight being delayed because of mechanical problems. I butted my eavesdropping self in and asked (politely, of course!) what flight he was talking about. Ours, wouldn't you know. I got on the phone immediately and found myself on hold for over 20 minutes waiting for an agent. By this time it was clear I wouldn't make my connecting flight. The lady at the gate wouldn't make any changes to our itineraries until she had a new "arrival time" for the delayed flight. When the agent finally came on the phone line, she informed me that the flight had just been (hold your breath...) ... cancelled! I knew I had a significant advantage over the other passengers and immediately left the gate area and sprinted for the front counter. I was second in line only to find out that all the other flights (including the other airlines) to Chicago were booked until 7 pm that night. I was not happy. After much finagling, we finally settled on United paying for me to take the bus (yes, you read that right) for a THREE hour ride to O'hare airport, booked on the 8-something pm flight from Chicago to San Diego but on stand by for the 3:15 flight and 5:20 flight.

By the time I got to O'hare I was starving BUT I had to try to get on the earlier flight so I stood in line (AGAIN) and got onto the 3:15 flight (still 2 1/2 hours away) but in a really, really crappy middle seat. I took it, checked my bag and made my way through security. I hurried past all the cafes and food courts and made my way to the gate where I stood in line (AGAIN) and managed to get moved to a really crappy aisle seat. With 2 hours left I dragged myself over to the nearest cafe and ordered a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread (low WW point value) but treated myself to a beer. It had to be done.

I finally arrived in San Diego at 5:30 pm (Pacific Time) to a sky at the gloaming hour with palm trees, warm air and a cool breeze...the scent of honeysuckle wafting around me. I was home.

Today was spent with my niece and nephew in the morning. We went to Barnes and Noble and browsed and bought then headed over to Target and the dollar bins.

Later Mom and I met my dear friend, Dana, for lunch at Rubios...yay, for fish tacos!!!! The mahi mahi taco was a great low WW point option. Then tonight Mom and I met my other San Diego best buddy, Callie, and her kids at Starbucks for a while. It was so good to spend even just this short amount of time with both of them. I miss them terribly when I'm in Indiana.

So...that's my saga so far with the added bonus that when I woke up on Friday morning I was down another couple pounds. I have now lost 17 lbs since January 1st! I definitely think I deserved that beer!!!!