Special Letter to Family and Friends

Very soon we’ll be bringing Benjamin Lilu home and starting the process of becoming a new and larger family.  This is an exciting and scary time for us – and will probably be especially frightening for Benjamin.  In his short life, he’s gone through more changes and life-altering experiences than most adults could handle.  He’s experienced the loss of a birth mother, experienced the loss of his second “home” in the midst of a health crisis, and will soon experience the loss of familiar caretakers, and the sights, sounds, smells, and language of his birth country.  His entire world will be turned upside down; he will be disoriented and confused.  He will have no reason to trust us – no way to know that we are safe, that he is secure in our care, and that we will meet his needs.

This process of learning to trust us, to bond and attach with our family, may take weeks, months, or years.  We expect it to get easier over time, but things are going to be a little strange at first and we ask that you please understand and support our attachment plan.  It is not our intention to shut anyone out of our lives or offend any friends in this process.  But Benjamin will need us to have certain boundaries in place to develop a strong and healthy attachment to us.

It will help immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal physical contact with our son.  For awhile, this includes things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing.  Children from orphanages are prone to “attach” to anyone and everyone – which disrupts his ability to attach to us.  Waving, blowing kisses, or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcome!  We want Benjamin to know our family and friends – and interact with them!

Benjamin had a mother care for him for several months, and then relied on a stream of different adults for almost 6 years to meet his needs.  He’s learned to compete for the attention of every adult for basic things like food, clothing, comfort…  Charming any available adult becomes a survival technique.  While it works in an orphanage, it’s dangerous in our world.  It’s not safe for Benjamin to ask random strangers for a hug; in order to learn healthy, appropriate boundaries, he needs to begin by learning that we are the two people responsible for meeting his needs.  For a time, we will be the only ones to give him food, water, comfort him, take him to the restroom and so on.  If he asks you for something – please ask us.  For awhile it may look like we’re spoiling him – but he needs to understand what role we play in his life and he needs to know we are dependable and constant.

Also understand that our very busy, very active family – will be dramatically limiting our activities and events for awhile.  Local friends – you probably won’t see us at every field trip, every club meeting, every birthday party – at least for a little bit.  Large or small gatherings, parties, events will not be a priority in the beginning – but it’s not permanent, and it’s not personal.  At this point, we don’t know entirely what degree of medical treatment and therapy we may be facing with him, too.  We will be tired, busy tending to him and learning about him, forming emotional bonds, and getting through our days one day at a time.  We are eager to introduce him to everybody – but it may not be for a little while.  With one exception!  If you would like to be part of our welcoming committee at the airport, we would LOVE to see you!


The lives of each member of our family will be topsy-turvy for awhile, and we ask for your understanding as we navigate this new world.  We are obviously far from experts in this, but doing what we believe to be best for Benjamin.  We look forward to introducing him in person to so many of our friends and family, and hope you understand why some of our parenting decisions will look as they do with him.

Here’s an interesting analogy of what adoption looks like to an internationally adopted child:
http://benjaminandholly.blogspot.com/2009/04/attachment-analogy.html

And another great illustration of what adopted children go through:
http://shaungroves.com/2011/01/the-list/

Update

I have several things I'd like to share with you (and some will have to wait until after Benjamin comes home!)

Benjamin Li

First of all, our Rummage Sale was incredibly successful thanks to help from some amazing friends and donors of items and Canyon Community Church who graciously allowed us to use their yard, parking lot and tables.

Second, we did get a little bad news last week... apparently after we sent our dossier (paperwork) to China, it was "misplaced" for about 6 weeks.  Typically a dossier get a log in date within days of them receiving it.  Instead, although we sent ours at the end of June, it was not logged in until August 13th.  While this is discouraging, we know God's timing is perfect and we also have the assurance that Benjamin is receiving excellent care right now.

Which leads to my other news... Benjamin is physically doing very well.  So well that we may not have to take oxygen with us for our flight home!  God is performing miracles every day in the life of our little boy.  We are continually in a state of amazement as we see God working in ways we could never have even dreamed up.  I, personally, can not wait for him to come home so that we can share his whole story with you.

I have been so overwhelmed by all the support we have been given by family, friends and even strangers.  One of the hidden benefits of adoption is that the adoption world is fairly small.  When it comes to International Adoption it becomes even smaller.  It is smaller still when one is specifically adopting from China.  And then smaller still when adopting a child with special needs.  There are wonderful Facebook groups and Yahoo groups for each of these "worlds".  I have made some very dear friends, simply through going through the adoption process at the same time.  When we adopted Madeleine in 2005, we were part of Yahoo group then also.  I got to meet up with 2 of them in China and still keep in touch with about 5 of them.  My sister/buddy back in 2005 was from Michigan (this is when we lived right on the Michigan/Indiana border) and was named Melissa also. We had fun with that, became wonderful cyber friends and then met up in China with our girls and husbands.  The funny thing is that Melissa W. is in my current adoption group too!  They are adopting again right at the exact same time as us!

Melissa and Laura

Another person I have grown to love so much is my dear, dear friend, Laura Kessler. She is adopting the most smiley toddler I have ever seen from the same agency as us and is a few weeks ahead of us in the process (well, actually probably a little more now with our hiccup in our timeline).  We talk, text, email almost every day.  We've intently studied our boys' pictures and videos and have them memorized.  AND her son's name?  Benjamin!  I feel like God gave me Laura as a special gift and I will be forever thankful for someone to laugh with, cry with, get frustrated with, dream with, and wait with.

Keep checking back here!  Very soon we will be having an online auction on the blog, Bring Benjamin Home, with some exciting items!

Justice vs. Grace

Those of you who know me personally know that I value justice.  It seems that, from the time I was very little, justice has been very important to me (just ask my brothers how often I tattled on them).  I remember very distinctly during a college World Drama class becoming surprisingly emotional when we covered "Phaedra" by Jean Racine.  My spirit rebelled against the lack of personal responsibility from the lead characters and the inevitability of "the fates".

As I grew older and became more aware of how true justice could rip my world apart... that the consequences of my own actions could be serious enough to maim me forever... I found my grip on justice slowly loosening.  I began to acknowledge my true hunger for grace.  The more I craved grace for myself, the less I found it existed in the world at large.  I will never forget sitting in a church as a visitor and listening to the pastor preach grace... I started weeping and could barely breathe as my heart ached desperately for that grace to be poured out on me.  The seed had been planted for the true gospel to began a transformation in me.

Not long after, I led a group of women through Jerry Bridges' study, "Transforming Grace".  I was suddenly convicted that I was withholding the grace that I craved from the people around me.  Grace was great if it was lavished on me, but I wasn't about to show that same grace to others... especially if they had hurt me, were "unfair" or didn't seek reconciliation or forgiveness.  I was am the Ungrateful Servant of Matthew 18:21-35.  Suddenly my quest for justice didn't seem so righteous anymore.

During this time, I was struggling deeply with unrelenting anger toward a couple of people who I felt had abused their position and mistreated me.  My visceral reaction was to launch into a defense crusade for myself and at the same time engage in a smear campaign against them.  I was with a group of local worship leaders who gathered on a semi-regular basis for support and encouragement and as we were praying one of the women looked up and said, "Melissa, I think God has a verse for you."  A little apprehensively I said, "Ok...what is it?"  She sat next to me and had me turn to Exodus 14:14.

¹⁴ The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” (ESV)

WHAT?! Be SILENT??!! What about justice?  What about restitution?  What about clearing my name?

 ¹⁴ The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” (ESV)

I had to confront myself... did I trust that God would take care of this situation, the people involved and me?  Did I have faith in His Sovereignty?

I still fight a daily battle against my sense of justice and for the gospel of grace.  Today, in fact, I encountered another situation where I believed I had been misrepresented and subsequently mistreated.  I was hurt, discouraged and livid.  Unfortunately my old nature made the first move.  I sat down at my computer and wrote an angry polite dissertation on my innocence, my worth and how I had been wronged.  Fortunately, that still small voice of the Holy Spirit said, "Don't hit send!  Show it to someone you trust FIRST."  So I did.

My dear friend was empathetic but nevertheless spoke truth into my life (which is what being a real friend is all about).

"Justice is for the faithless." She said.

 It stopped me in mid-send-button.  What she was saying to me is demanding my attention and forcing me to ask those same "trust" questions I've asked before and will probably be asking until the day I die.  Do I trust Him?  I want the answer to be... "yes".

Pregnant Pictures...

For those of you who know me, you know I love photography... I have absolutely no training in it so it's just for fun right now. For the past few months we've had our friend, Shana, and her kids living with us. She is mom to an 11 yr old son, 8 yr old daughter and now...newborn twins (a boy and a girl!). Here are some pics we took when she was pregnant.

Long Lost Brother (Sister)

I've been praying these lyrics today as I prepare my heart for reunion with a dear friend... Thank you, Karin and Linford for this beautiful rendering...

Long Lost Brother (Over the Rhine)

I thought that we’d be
Further along by now
I can’t remember how
We stumbled to this place

I loved you like a long lost brother
On a bad day maybe I thought why bother
I’ve seldom seen so much anger
In a face

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

I don’t mean to laugh outloud
I’m trying to come clean
Trying to shed my doubt
Maybe I should just keep
My big mouth shut

More often than not
When it comes to you
You want whatever’s not in front of you
Deep down I know this includes me too

So tell me your troubles
Let your pain rain down
I know my job I’ve been around
I invest in the mess
I’m a low cost dumping ground

Trouble is I’m so exhausted
The plot, you see, I think I’ve lost it
I need the grace to find what can’t be found

Hurt People Hurt People

I was recently blindsided by an e-mail from a friend. This friend had misinterpreted something I had done and then made some further assumptions that cut me to the quick. I had no idea how to respond. Part of me was angry that she believed things about me that were not true. Part of me was wounded by her words. I was just flummoxed by the whole scenario.

As I was trying to reason out the best way to respond, my brother (and Pastor) wisely reminded me of a story I had told him many years ago.

While in high school I volunteered a number of times for Special Olympics. I absolutely loved being a "hugger"--one who stood at the end of the "race" or "jump" or event and hugged the participants as they finished. But on one particular occasion, instead of being asked to be a "hugger" the person in charge of volunteers paired me with a mentally challenged girl with Down's Syndrome. She had no family or friends at the event to watch or encourage her so I was assigned to walk her from event to event and support her as she participated in each activity.

It was going fairly well until it came time for the long jump. She completed a jump of about a foot and 1/2 and a look of utter disappointment and horror crossed her face. She had thought she would do so much better. I walked toward her to hug her and congratulate her for completing the event and she lashed out, angry at herself for her perceived failure. She began to cry and wail and then to start hitting herself in the face with her fists. I threw my arms around her trying to pin her arms down so she wouldn't injure herself and her fist collided with my right cheek just under my eye. I just kept holding her, whispering in her ear, until she calmed down.

The point my brother was making was this...in her anger, in her pain, she ended up hurting me... the one who was trying to help. But she didn't mean to... it was a by product of her disability.

We are all disabled in one way or another. Some emotionally, some physically, some spiritually...this affects how we act, how we respond, and sometimes it unintentionally hurts those around us. Hurt people hurt people.

This reminder, this nugget of truth was enough to take the edge off my own pain and glimpse the bigger picture. It was enough to soften my heart again toward this friend who I love and compose a response that was honest AND loving. It was enough to remind me of grace.

Thank you, Matt, for the reminder.

Video Statement from Bill and Jane Wales, parents of Erick Wales (MISSING)

PLEASE- Pass this on

MISSING- 6 days, 7 hours, 15 minutes

ERICK WALES is still MISSING! Please repost this, pass it along. You never know who may have seen him. http://www.finderickwales.com

Video Statement from Erick Wales' Parents

Please view this statement from Bill and Jane and pass it along.

Video Statement from Erick Wales’ Parents

Posted using ShareThis

ERICK Still Missing!!!!

Please pass on this link! You can get information and download flyers!

http://www.FindErickWales.com

Still Missing- ERICK WALES

It is almost midnight on Tuesday and Erick is still missing (see post below). There has been a website set up that includes a flyer that people can print and download. Please pass it on...share it with anyone and everyone. And continue to hold Erick and his family and friends in prayer.

FindErickWales.com

Erick Wales is MISSING!

UPDATE 6:26 pm- Erick is still missing. He drives a black Saturn Ion, California plates - FR33BSD.

Jane and Christina are a mother and daughter who I love VERY much! Yesterday morning, Erick (Jane's son and Christina's brother) went missing. He was last seen in San Diego, is in his mid-20's and this is out of character. Please look at the pictures below. I'm also asking that you pray for Jane, Christina and Erick during this uncertain time.

Mission and Living in Community

This is my friend, Katy. She attends Crossroads with us and today was her last day in San Diego. She and her husband, along with their four children, will be traveling cross country as they raise support for the mission field. They are currently planning on leaving for the mission field in August. It was a difficult goodbye for several reasons one of which is that I regret that I didn't have the opportunity to spend as much time as I would have liked with someone I have found so much in common with (did I just end that sentence with a preposition? Ugh). She has been such an example of grace to me in the short time I've known her. I've watched her love her children and her husband with humility and courage and delighted in the joys of seeing God miraculously provide for her in the most unusual ways.

In the midst of her family leaving, our church has been facing a major transition as well. We are moving away from a Sunday gathering/attractional service orientation to smaller Missional Communities that meet weekly and then gather all together once or twice a month. To facilitate this move, the leaders have been studying the concept of Missional Communities or "house churches". This week in particular I was convicted and energized by the areas of mission and the gospel that I have been at the very least ignoring and the worst, running full force from. (There's that damn preposition again!) This morning as our church family said goodbye to Katy and her family and prayed over them and their mission overseas, I knew that God was asking us to support them financially. My first, gut reaction was, "Wait! But I want my house! I need a house! We can't afford to commit any more money to another budget line item!" So as I sat there trying to ignore the Holy Spirit, Matt started his sermon... which was about "Living in Mission". Somewhere in the midst of the sermon he went through a list of what living on mission would be characterized by (sorry... my brain is too tired to phrase these sentence without the prep at the end!). The one that jumped out and slapped me upside the head was "foolish generosity". Oh great. Now God wasn't giving me an excuse. So I argued a little...

"Now, God... here's the deal. I know intellectually that making a commitment that financially doesn't make sense right now, in this economy would just not be wise. Besides, while I'm committed to You and to our church, I still don't 'feel' the passion for this community yet. I don't have real roots here. I'm being obedient but I just don't 'feel' it yet."

No sooner had I gone through the whole spiel then I was overcome with sorrow. Sorrow at my lack of faith, sorrow for the lost and sorrow for my lack of action. The tears just spilled. I knew that we would be making the commitment to Katy and her family. I knew it was right and I knew that I was going to have to trust that God really is sovereign and he has called us to foolish generosity.

So, this is how missional community works. As a member of our community enters into the mission that God has called her to, it has ripple effects throughout the rest of the community. It is spurring me on to live more missionally myself, pushing me toward trusting in God's sovereignty and toward obedience. THIS is what Missional Community is supposed to be.

For more information of the types of Missional Communities I am referring to, visit:

Soma Communities
Crowded House
Tim Chester's Blog
Jeff Vanderstelt's Blog

Yes... The Baldwin Family is still alive and kicking...

I know it's been forever and ever since I updated my blog. Sorry about that. Life is still crazy and seems even crazier these days. The kids are all on fall intercession which, for those of you who are used to traditional school schedules, is the three week break during the fall for kids who attend "year-round" schools.

Yesterday we took a trip to Petco to trade some unused tickets for tomorrow night's game and went to the Animal Shelter to adopt a bunny for Emma. Emma has dubbed the bunny, Ella, and we pick her up on Saturday after she's had her...(clearing throat)... "surgery".

Today was a trip to the zoo with my mom and her students...then a doctor's appointment for Maddie and finally drama class for Landen. Whew... we're tired.

Tomorrow is the beach with my cousin, Lori, and her kids and then the Padre game with friends and family.

Here are some highlights from our zoo and Dr. visit today...

Landen and Mom

Hippos snuggling under water

Me with my buds in our diva glasses (Erica on left; Dana on right)

Maddie with her friend, Serena (Erica's daughter)

Me and My Dana

California Dreamin'

My Friday started off early when I woke to the smell of fresh brewed coffee (Thank you, honey!). I was already packed so I got dressed and then went room to room making beds since there was going to be a showing after Larry dropped me at the airport. Everything really went so smoothly... too smoothly. At the airport I checked my bag and headed down to the gate to settle in with my new library book, Auralia's Colors (Thanks, Jen!), and my "breakfast" (see photo) while I waited for my flight. The weather was beautiful so I was confident there would be no delays and I would make my connecting flight in Chicago. I was scheduled to take off from South Bend at 9:10 am, arriving in Chicago 1/2 an hour later, leaving 40 minutes later for San Diego and arriving in SD around noon. Silly, naive girl.



As I was reading, I overhead the man across from me saying something about a flight being delayed because of mechanical problems. I butted my eavesdropping self in and asked (politely, of course!) what flight he was talking about. Ours, wouldn't you know. I got on the phone immediately and found myself on hold for over 20 minutes waiting for an agent. By this time it was clear I wouldn't make my connecting flight. The lady at the gate wouldn't make any changes to our itineraries until she had a new "arrival time" for the delayed flight. When the agent finally came on the phone line, she informed me that the flight had just been (hold your breath...) ... cancelled! I knew I had a significant advantage over the other passengers and immediately left the gate area and sprinted for the front counter. I was second in line only to find out that all the other flights (including the other airlines) to Chicago were booked until 7 pm that night. I was not happy. After much finagling, we finally settled on United paying for me to take the bus (yes, you read that right) for a THREE hour ride to O'hare airport, booked on the 8-something pm flight from Chicago to San Diego but on stand by for the 3:15 flight and 5:20 flight.




By the time I got to O'hare I was starving BUT I had to try to get on the earlier flight so I stood in line (AGAIN) and got onto the 3:15 flight (still 2 1/2 hours away) but in a really, really crappy middle seat. I took it, checked my bag and made my way through security. I hurried past all the cafes and food courts and made my way to the gate where I stood in line (AGAIN) and managed to get moved to a really crappy aisle seat. With 2 hours left I dragged myself over to the nearest cafe and ordered a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread (low WW point value) but treated myself to a beer. It had to be done.







I finally arrived in San Diego at 5:30 pm (Pacific Time) to a sky at the gloaming hour with palm trees, warm air and a cool breeze...the scent of honeysuckle wafting around me. I was home.








Today was spent with my niece and nephew in the morning. We went to Barnes and Noble and browsed and bought then headed over to Target and the dollar bins.







Later Mom and I met my dear friend, Dana, for lunch at Rubios...yay, for fish tacos!!!! The mahi mahi taco was a great low WW point option. Then tonight Mom and I met my other San Diego best buddy, Callie, and her kids at Starbucks for a while. It was so good to spend even just this short amount of time with both of them. I miss them terribly when I'm in Indiana.





So...that's my saga so far with the added bonus that when I woke up on Friday morning I was down another couple pounds. I have now lost 17 lbs since January 1st! I definitely think I deserved that beer!!!!

Snow Day...

In general, I hate snow days. The kids are restless, sniping at one another and I'm stir crazy and overstimulated. Today was no exception. Now, however, one child is gone spending the night with a friend, the girls are off to bed and Landen (who, BTW, got his braces yesterday) has two friends over spending the night and they are keeping each other occupied. So...as long as the girls STAY in bed...knock on wood...we may have a quiet evening zoning out in front of the television. Of course the odds of the girls staying in bed rank right up there with the Giants odds of winning the Super Bowl and me ever giving birth again. In fact, as I type I can hear my oldest daughter throwing an incredibly innovative and creative tantrum for her father. Funny...just an hour ago she looked so angelic holding little Sam...

I have to say there were about fifteen minutes when Isaac went to play at a friends, the teenager (aka Landen) was still asleep in bed and the girls went out to play in the snow where it was quiet. But, like I said...it was fifteen minutes.

Introducing...The Boy!

Kristine...that lucky bitch...had one of the easiest deliveries ever. I suppose she deserved the break since her pregnancy was so miserable but I still resent it just the tiniest bit. (Did I mention that I pushed for over 3 hours with Landen???? OVER THREE hours...yep...you heard me right!)

She went in to be induced at 5 am this morning and she had him around noon. We visited a little after 7 pm and she looked fabulous. Not a hair out of place...full of energy...happy. Almost makes me want to try this again myself...ok...maybe not.

Now...would you just look at the tiny, precious boy...I'm smitten.

Blog Giveaways!

Some dear cyber-friends of mine are participating in a bloggy

giveaway and I just love what they're offering...so I'm sure you will

too! All you have to do to enter is leave a comment on THEIR site (not here, although you could send some love my way too and I won't complain). Both of these ladies traveled to China when we did and brought their daughters home too. First of all...look at these darling handmade hair bows that Tonni is giving away.

And then there's my dear cyber-twin, Melissa W. (who, BTW, has lost 55 pounds recently! Whoo-hoo! Way to go, Meliss!). Melissa W. is giving away some gorgeous handmade earrings.

Raining men...

well not actually but we did have a shower for my dear friend, Kristine, yesterday. Kristine is about to give birth to The Boy (as I have gotten accustomed to calling him). We held the shower at the coffee house that Kristine and her husband, Scott, own...Larry's home away from home, Bella Vita. Lovely food, lovely friends...really...this is the stuff of life!