Long and Winding Road

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

― Theodore Roosevelt, Strenuous Life

“Sit down before fact as a little child, be prepared to give up every preconceived notion, follow humbly wherever and to whatever abysses nature leads, or you shall learn nothing. I have only begun to learn content and peace of mind since I have resolved at all risks to do this.”

― Thomas Henry Huxley, Life and Letters of Thomas Henry Huxley - Volume 1

“When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.”

― Patrick Overton, The leaning tree: [poems]

Big changes are coming for the Baldwin Bungalow.  Larry recently was hired by Molina Healthcare which is located in Long Beach.  Our San Diego house goes on the market today and we’ve begun to look for a new home in Orange County.  There is the understandable mixture of trepidation and anticipation. 

One of the things I have always loved about our family is that we love adventure.  And by adventure I don’t mean the thrill-seeking type… roller coasters, rock climbing, sky diving.  I mean the kind of adventure that changes your story.

God has proven to be faithful time after time and we know that this will be another opportunity for us to learn to trust Him and revel in our place in the grander story.

Please keep us in prayer through this transition.  Especially for the kids. 

The plan is for Emma to finish her junior year here in San Diego.  She started school in July and is well into her FOUR AP classes.  Not all AP courses are offered at every school and we don’t want to waste the time she has already devoted to these classes.  In addition, this is a big year for her competitive show choir as they are traveling to London in the spring.

For Madeleine and Benjamin this will all happen right away and we want to make sure we support, encourage and teach them in a way that will build character and not tear down spirits.

Isaac is living in Escondido with some young seminary students and working full time and it will definitely be hard on us as parents to be that far away from him.  Pray for wisdom for him as he ventures into adulthood and takes on new responsibilities and possibilities.

We will be closer to Landen!  We are very excited about the opportunity to be present for more of his productions and see him graduate next year!

So, the ride takes another twist and turn.  Hold on, Baldwins!  Here we go!

The Passing of This Season...

Yesterday Emma and I said "goodbye" to our house in Granger. I've spent the last few days supervising packers, carpet cleaners, and movers, all the while preparing the house for our new tenants. I cleaned in spurts occasionally picking up the spackling blade or paint brush to touch up the walls. As I drifted from project to project I couldn't shake the death imagery that kept coming to mind. I am a very visual person and sometimes the only way I can describe emotions or situations is through pictures and symbols.

While struggling to explain to a friend the emotional detachment I was feeling as I wandering through the rooms of my house and drove through the streets of my former neighborhood, I kept picturing veils over mirrors, as they do in some Jewish communities during a time of mourning. I felt as if I had placed a veil over my emotions in regards to the death of this season of life. There was also this impression of preparing a body for burial as I lovingly cleaned each corner and dressed each flaw in my home.

There is no doubt that I am sad. I'm eating like crap, not sleeping well, restless, having stomach pains. But the emotions are not up front. There are no tears. This transition has been a long time coming. Somewhat like a loved one who has suffered and been ill for a long time. You are prepared for the death, maybe even hope for it at times, but it is still painful when it happens.

Before we left, a tearful Emma climbed up to the first landing of our stairs. I thought she was on her way to see her empty bedroom. Instead she stopped at the landing and swung her leg over the banister for one last slide.

Back in Indiana...

Emma and I left Wednesday to fly back to Granger to meet the movers. We have leased the house and our renters will be moving in next Monday. Here we are waiting at the airport with Starbucks in hand.

At the moment I am waiting for the moving van... it is FOUR hours late. I'm a bit frustrated. I can't do much cleaning or painting when there are boxes and furniture strewn throughout the house.

On top of that, our lease agreement still isn't signed because the renters wanted their lawyer to review it. Their lawyer finally got back to our realtor today and they are asking to write in that if they want to purchase the house at the end of the lease that they can purchase it for almost 20k less than what we're asking right now for it and that we will apply all of their rental payments toward the purchase price. WTH? That's a year away! I'm not prepared to lower the price that much when we don't even know what the market will be a year from now. I'm really aggravated right now... can you tell? What if this blows the whole deal? I know, I know. "What if" should not be in my vocabulary but after several years of too many of the "what if's" actually happening, I can't break the habit.

What, if anything, is aggravating YOU today? Please... take my mind off of this for a few minutes.

Sweetly Broken

Fear is a miserable companion. It begins in the pit of my stomach before my mind even registers it's existence. It cloaks itself in depression and sometimes anger. It insinuates itself into every response, masking it's true position as an idol in my heart with euphemisms like "worry" and "concern". The reality is that I have some major trust issues. The fact that I'm an oldest child should not justify my unwillingness to relinquish control but it's an excuse I often spout with just enough of a smile that I seem transparent and able to laugh at my own foibles.

Last night, our worship pastor, Ryan, slipped a song into the set that we hadn't rehearsed the night before. (We have Thursday night services during the summer.) It was the hymn (updated and accompanied by electric guitar, of course) "I Surrender All". Ummm. Yeah. Can we just skip that one?

Here's the thing. I don't want to. Surrender all, that is. It's too frightening for me, especially when what I see looks hopeless. I look at the fact that our house has been on the market for 9 months...that's right. NINE months... and it hasn't sold in a market where other houses are selling in just a few months. I mean, it's not like we're in Southern California where the market is tanking. Our house is gorgeous and in one of the best, most coveted developments in Granger and no. one. will. buy. it. Meanwhile, our family is apart 2-3 weeks out of each month while Larry travels to work. This puts serious strain on our family dynamics as we readjust every few days to different schedules and expectations. We also have one car. With brakes that need to be fixed. Then I find myself worried about arriving in San Diego and having nowhere to live. Or having to settle (something an oldest child absolutely hates to do). There is something in me that absolutely rebels against taking our children away from a beautiful home that they love and moving them into something less. I know it's shallow but it makes me sick (how's that for transparency?). Without selling this house we will not qualify for anything and even with selling our house, we qualify for very little (a result of a couple of very difficult years here in Granger). My fears start to compound and I am unable to see God working in any of this.

Now, I should make it quite clear that I know things could be so much worse. And you should know that Larry is an incredible father and husband and takes take of us in ways that I believe most men would not. Without his wisdom, the circumstances that blindsided and crippled us could have resulted in much more dire consequences. Because of him (and certainly not me because I have not the discipline nor the financial acumen) we have avoided bankruptcy, foreclosure, delinquencies, loss of medical care and much more. I know that God carried us through those times with a clarity that I wish I could hold onto for more than a brief moment.

So, returning to last night... we came out of communion singing "I Surrender All" and I was fighting it. My attempts to disengage started to erode somewhere around verse two:

All to Jesus I surrender
Humbly at His feet I bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

Slowly the layers of resolve began to peel away despite my best efforts to stayed pissed at God. The set was orchestrated to move from "I Surrender All" into "Sweetly Broken" (Jeremy Riddle) with me leading. By the time I hit the chorus I had to drop out. I broke. The tears streamed down my face as I was reminded anew that 'God is love and God is just.'

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

I was so beautifully brought into recognition of His sovereignty despite my willful distrust. I am praying this morning as the pit in my stomach takes up it's normal residency that Christ will invade my space moment by moment today. That He will reveal himself to me in ways that assault my selfish nature and infringe on my comfort. That He will continue to humble me and transform my yearnings until they align with His will. That His kingdom will come, His will be done in my heart and life as it is in heaven.

Desert Wanderings

I thought we were headed for Canaan. We had sold our overpriced, yard-deprived bungalow in the dry, smog-filled, traffic-infested land of Southern California for a solid profit and after the purchase our new much larger home in a green, upscale Midwestern neighborhood, still had money to sock away for a rainy day. We had experienced a peace about our new adventure and not solely based on what seemed like the promise of financial security. Every door had opened wide for us and we were eager to see what God had planned for our family of five in our new community.

I have to say that the first few months were incredible. Larry was home because we were waiting for a contract he had to start. We found a perfect local coffee house to hang out in and felt a strong calling to our church. We dove into our new life with relish. Within a few months we had some significant friendships, had gone to China on a mission trip, were starting an orphan ministry and were enjoying making our new house a home. We came home from China and began the adoption process for our sweet Madeleine who was waiting in an orphanage back in Asia, a addition to our family we hadn’t even considered while in San Diego.

Then the roof caved in. Every consulting contract that appeared on the horizon seemed to dissolve before our eyes as obstacle after obstacle kept us from moving forward. We started living on our profit from our San Diego house and, with adoption costs added to every day living expenses, we started watching our nest egg evaporate. Each consulting contract soon became the proverbial carrot…always just a little out of reach. The lean months turned into a year. A year turned into two. Our money was gone and our credit was maxed. We were down to one car and struggling to pay the bills each month.

Why had God brought us here just to let us flounder? Had we been mistaken in what we thought had been his direction? We believed we had been obedient. We believed that He had plans for us beyond what we could imagine. We certainly hadn’t imagined this.

And yet we got to see God where we had never seen him before. We met him on our patio in the melting snow where bags of groceries had been left anonymously. We found him in our mailbox where two gift cards of $200 each showed up in a blank envelope at Christmas time. We glimpsed him in the eyes of our new chosen child. Everywhere we turned, expecting to find no one, we found Him.

So, here we are. Three years after arriving in what we believed was the Promised Land, we are leaving. God has provided a job for Larry in San Diego. This is where my family is. This is where I am from. What we thought was our Canaan has been revealed to us as our desert wanderings. A place where God has been refining us, teaching us to depend on His provision and increasing our faith. He has taken two first-born over-achievers and taught us how to accept help. He has deepened our understanding of the gospel and how it should affect the way we live. And frankly, we’re not sure that our big, beautiful house in suburbia is it.

While to many people it may look as if we are running home with empty hands, we have seen the sovereignty of God at work in our lives, as individuals and as a family and it has changed us. And we wouldn’t change that for anything.

Girls' Day Out

Emma (my 8-almost-9 yr old) is best friends with Madeline ...the daughter of my best friend here in Granger, Kristine. When we started planning our move back to San Diego, the girls hatched a brilliant plan that would make their separation more bearable. They decided that the four of us (mommies and daughters) should go to Chicago and visit the American Girl Place where they would pick out "Looks Like Me" dolls and then exchange them so Emma would have a doll that looked like Madeline and Madeline, one that looked like Emma. Kristine and I thought it was ingenious idea, so yesterday we gathered up our toll money, piled into the car and made the journey to the Windy City. We had a long, wonderful day. Our first stop was the American Girl Place and then we had lunch together at the Cheesecake Factory. The rest of the day involved a visit to the Hershey Store, walking, stopping to go potty at Borders, more walking, petting the horses waiting to pull carriage rides, walking again, buying Kristine cute maternity clothes on sale at The Gap, MORE walking, buying a "short attention span" onesie for "The Boy" (how we are currently referring to the growing male within Kristine's womb), walking (sort of) a little more, throwing pennies in a wishing fountain, limping, stopping get me a Diet Pepsi fix, and then some staggering to our parking garage! It really was so fun to watch the girls just enjoy everything.

Steps for Quick Cleaning Before A Showing...

1. Tie kids to the patio railing to eliminate the need to return to a room more than once and clean again
2. Move mice and stinky cat litter than you've been too busy to change into the garage
3. Grab some Grands Cinnabon rolls and put them on foil covered cookie tray (no washing later) into preheated oven for that "homey" smell
4. Remind self that "NOTHING tastes as good as THIN feels" (even Grands Cinnabon rolls)
5. Start on top story, visiting each room to make sure lights are on, blinds are open, beds are made and nothing has died in the closet, toy box or under the bed
6. During said rounds, sniff repeatedly, making sure the dog hasn't done any business where he shouldn't
7. Invest in Windex wipes and Clorox wipes for quick easy cleaning of toothpaste spatters on sink and counters and spit spots on mirrors
8. Move to main floor, picking up littered Barbie dolls en route
9. Resist urge to throw said Barbie dolls in trash and place them instead in covered toy recepticle sitting in what should be a dining room but has defaulted into a playroom
10. Grab generic Magic Eraser from under kitchen sink to clean up dry erase marker that you spotted on the office wall as you were making your way to the living room to vacuum
11. Return to kitchen to grab Resolve Pet carpet cleaner to clean up cat vomit you found when you entered the office to clean up previously mentioned dry erase marker
12. Quick vacuum on main floor
13. Fluff pillows, turn on lights, take out Cinnabons
14. Carefully replace contents of pantry that have scattered on the floor in your attempt to resist the Cinnabons and desperately search for something non-fat and low calorie that doesn't taste like cardboard
15. Untie kids
16. Move everyone to car (including dog) and leave, praying the people don't notice the new stains on the car from preschooler spilling juice as she escaped from the garage and ran back into the house to grab aforementioned Barbies for the car ride.

Disclaimer: No children, animals or Barbies were hurt (or tied to the patio railings) in the cleaning of this house although I was sorely tempted on a few occasions.

And now for your listening and viewing pleasure: Madeleine Yan Baldwin composing a song to her Barbies about our dirty house...

Someone you need to get to know...

...my 13 year old. I've talked about my (teenage!) son before. (That's him on the far right in the "Vote For Pedro" shirt, along with his friends, Holden and Sean.) He's pretty amazing if I do say so myself. Yes, there's the sighs, the rolling of the eyes, the things one would expect from a teenager but there's also something different. I'd like you to experience what I mean for yourself. I am reposting (with his permission) a blog entry that he wrote last night about his experience last weekend at Fall Forward, a retreat our church has for 8th graders to equip them for leadership. As a parent, I was floored...as a (sometimes) writer, I was drawn in...as a Christ follower, I was moved.

Fall Forward: The Retreat that Changed My Life Forever
Current mood: reflective
Category: reflective Religion and Philosophy


Well...Fall Forward. What an experience. It all started Friday: the 14th, at River Valley Church. Right across from Penn. A bunch of eighth graders packed their things into a trailer and got in two separate vans to head to the retreat!

Before I go any further, let me explain what Fall Forward is. It is a retreat for 8th graders. It was for them to discover who they are in Christ and learn to become leaders among the Jr. High.

So, when we arrived at the lakehouse (the one that belongs to the Ryans), we all unpacked our things and the guys went downstairs, while the girls went upstairs. (The guys weren't allowed in the upper room, and the girls weren't allowed downstairs, while the main floor was "neutral". A few girls did not obey this rule. But all the boys did. haha.)

Anyway...the rest of the night was spent playing outside and watching football (a little bit). We swam in the lake for a while, and I realized after getting out that I had not packed a towel. After funtime was over, it was time for our group meeting, which was basically the only religious thing we did while at the lakehouse. That night's lesson: Giving what you have to God's will, and to others who need it most. The lesson was pretty solemn. Two girls began crying halfway through because guilt was dawning on them. Yeah, the lesson my uncle (the pastor for Jr. High) had prepared was that powerful. As we closed our eyes, and my uncle led us in personal prayer, a lady came in (unbeknownst to us) wearing mime paint and hobo clothes and carrying a bag containing bread, a candle, a little grape juice, and matches to light the candle with. As my uncle slowly asked us to open our eyes...my friends and I jumped back and began laughing. Even through our laughter though, the mime lady kept a straight face and performed her pantomime skit. The hobo-lady put down the bag slowly, and lit the candle. Even through my friends' and my constant snickering, something was itching at the back of my conscience. The lady took out her tiny bits of bread she had to eat, mimed a prayer over it, and brought it to her mouth. But she stopped before she took a bite and looked around, gazing at each of us in turn. I couldn't help but joke around, even with my uneasy feeling. But my amusement towards the skit quickly faded away as she turned to each one of us, again in turn, and gave us each a piece of bread. She smiled kindly at us as she did this, and it made me feel sorta guilty for goofing off, so i stopped. Next, the lady brought out the grape juice, mimed a prayer over it, and stopped before she took a sip. She again turned her head to look at each of us, and let us each dip our bread in the bowl of grape juice. like a mini-communion. But communion was not where this skit was going. The lady again sat up and prayed, right there in the middle of our group circle, and then slowly came up to each and everyone of us. She began wiping taking facepaint from her own face, and smearing a little bit on each of us. Before turning to the next person, she would pat us each one the back and give us each a gentle smile.

It was when she did this that I realized what was going. It dawned on me what this lesson was really about. And as my uncle had us bow our heads, he explained to us what it was: To give everything you may have to others, so that they may see God and so His will be carried out. This hit tremendously close to home for me. Since I found out I will move, I have been saying things like, "My church in San Diego doesn't have a youth group!" or "It can never teach me what I have learned here at River Valley!" and stuff like that. Yet, that night, I realized that that was the reason I had to move. The reason I was called to move. I had been moved to Indiana in the first place to meet all my great friends, and get to know God to an even deeper level than I couldn't have possibly imagined. And now, I was being drawn to San Diego to use that to bring others to Him. Even if it meant leaving everything behind. And that was what "Fall Forward" meant; at a spiritual level. It was not just learning to move forward at the beginning of Fall. But it literally meant what it says: "Fall Forward, and God will catch you". Pretty much. That was what was taught the next day.

The next day, we went to a Bible camp further into Michigan. There, we played games. Games that challenged our thinking skills, motor skills, and were just plain fun. But by the end of almost each game, each and every one of us in my group found a spiritual or deeper meaning into these games. And after lunch, they took us to the very thing my Uncle Paul had warned us about. The thing would challenge the very core of our bravery. The thing that may push us farther than we ever thought. The High Ropes Course. Basically, we were harnessed to a steel wire above us, a good distance above the ground, with a bunch of obstacles we were to traverse. The very first part, and the part that was the most nerve-wracking was climbing up a ladder, with your harnessed attached to a knot that on each step you had to move above your head, and then climbing up a pole with a few metal bars for steps. I made it up there. Then I looked down. It had seemed a little lower from the ground. It had seemed easier on the ground, too. I went to the first obstacle. I couldn't do it. I just stood there, at the first step of the first obstacle (we had a few paths to choose from), and I just couldn't do it. For some reason, I could not trust the harness to hold (although it was ensured to be perfectly safe). I ended up zip-lining down to the ground, having absolutely no self-respect for myself in me. I walked back towards the group of people who had had their turn before me, hoping they would not ask me the question I did not want to be asked "Why'd You stop?" Of course, many people asked me anyways. I was on the verge of tears. Yes, I was that ashamed of myself. But I held them in.

When the group was finished, they had a discussion of the spiritual meaning behind all this. And yes, this where they brought in the "Fall Forward" concept. They were talking about how the harness was like God. And how trusting in the harness to keep you safe was like trusting God. Being able to "Fall Forward" and he will catch you. Of course, my case was different than everyone else's. I hadn't been able to do it. And there was a reason for that...which i just realized today. (Two days after that Saturday). Being not able to trust in the harness perfectly portrayed how I did not trust in God. It showed me exactly how I had been in a direct application to the situation. The reason I had no faith to trust the harness, was to show me that I had had no faith to trust in God.

Later that day, we got to learn about spiritual gifts. Although I had already read about these before, my Uncle handed out a test, after the lesson. It showed us supposedly which gift we most likely had. My highest scores: Teaching and knowledge. Of course, I expected this. Not because I was full of myself, but because I, for the past year or so, had been reading the Bible for fun, taking deep and richer meaning in what I read. I had gotten involved in reading about apologetics, which is the process of proving through logical, scientific, and any other means, that the Bible is not false...or even to the extent that it is definitely true(once you prove to them it is not false), to non-believers. I had gotten into scientific analysis of the Bible. Risky territory, for it is easy to get too entangled in mixing up God's Word, but he kept me very alert and cautious through it. Anyways...so, i expected to get knowledge at least. But teaching was one of the things I didn't really expect. Sometimes, when I speak on stuff like that, it is hard for me to choose the right words to say to people. Yet, it came through as my other highest score (equal to knowledge). And again, it all connected to moving. It showed me that I have a gift. And that I needed to use that gift for the Lord. I needed to share the gift with others, like the mime-hobo-lady had done with her things. I needed to let go of the harness and use my gift wherever even if it is dangerous for me, because, like the harness, God will catch me when I choose to "Fall Forward". Everything tied in. Everything made sense.

Although the very next day was uneventful (spending it mostly sleeping and watching TV), It gave me time to think over the significance of the weekend. Fall Forward had been exactly what I needed to get through my pain and sadness at the exact right time I needed it. I got encouraged to move, so I did not have to live in constant fear when I moved To San Diego until I learned all this by myself. He allowed me to go on this retreat so that I may not be afraid to do all that I have written about today.

60 second vent session...

Ok...so I'm tearing around my house trying to get some rooms ready so our broker can take some photos for the listing and I keep coming across more and more to do...unmade beds, toys on the floor, dirty clothes strewn around various rooms, clean clothes strewn across various rooms, dried toothpaste on sinks, dried toothpaste on counters, dried toothpaste on mirrors, dried toothpaste on EVERYTHING...well, almost... my kitchen sink is plugged, there are these fruit fly things all over my house that I can NOT get rid of, I haven't even checked the basement yet and I know she wants pictures of it because it's a huge feature of our house (custom bar, etc)... and I'm thinking..."how in the hell am I going to sell a house with four kids, a dog, cat, 6 mice and 4 fish? I am crazy already... having to show it on a regular basis is going to be insane."

Ok...done venting... for now.