Yes... The Baldwin Family is still alive and kicking...

I know it's been forever and ever since I updated my blog. Sorry about that. Life is still crazy and seems even crazier these days. The kids are all on fall intercession which, for those of you who are used to traditional school schedules, is the three week break during the fall for kids who attend "year-round" schools.

Yesterday we took a trip to Petco to trade some unused tickets for tomorrow night's game and went to the Animal Shelter to adopt a bunny for Emma. Emma has dubbed the bunny, Ella, and we pick her up on Saturday after she's had her...(clearing throat)... "surgery".

Today was a trip to the zoo with my mom and her students...then a doctor's appointment for Maddie and finally drama class for Landen. Whew... we're tired.

Tomorrow is the beach with my cousin, Lori, and her kids and then the Padre game with friends and family.

Here are some highlights from our zoo and Dr. visit today...

Landen and Mom

Hippos snuggling under water

Me with my buds in our diva glasses (Erica on left; Dana on right)

Maddie with her friend, Serena (Erica's daughter)

My baby girl...

Emma got baptized last Sunday by her Uncle Matt. She was baptized along with her cousin, Shaye, and fellow Crossroads member, Patty Mendez. It was a wonderful time of music and celebration. A reminder of the gospel and it's healing, redemptive power.

Soon End In Joy

Frankly, I needed to hear this tonight. As "Over the Rhine" would say... 'Lord, we need a new redemption song'. This was my gift tonight. Timing is everything. Many thanks to Charlie Lowell, Dan Haseltine, Matt Odmark, Stephen Mason.

Give to the wind your fear

Hope and be undismayed

God hears your sighs and counts your tears

God will lift up, He'll lift up your head

God will lift up, lift up your head

Leave to His sovereign sway

To choose and to command

Then shall we wandering on His way

Know how wise and how strong

How wise and how strong

How strong is His hand

Through waves and clouds and storms,

He gently clears the way

Wait 'cause in His time, so shall this night

Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

God will lift up your head

Soon end in joy

Shopping for Education

Anyone else out there remember the days of cutting labels off of Campbell's soup cans or the box tops off your cereal to take into school so that your class would win the pizza/ice cream/no homework party? Our pantry would be stocked with unlabeled cans of soup marked with a Sharpie from our "night-before-the-deadline" collection of as many labels as could fit into our backpacks.

These days, many of these school support programs have expanded to the Internet as well. I found that Box Tops for Education now has three ways for schools to earn up to $60,000 every year! You can earn cash for your school every time you 1) shop online at the Box Tops Marketplace, 2) shop for groceries and clip box tops or 3) order books online through the Box Tops Reading Room.

So, I tried it! I went to their website and registered to support Isaac and Emma's elementary school. From there I followed the link to their "Marketplace". Here's where it got good! There are more than 70 stores to choose from... and not some "no-name-can-I-trust-them-to-not-screw-me-over" stores. We're talking Target, Kohls, Limited Too (Hel-lo! Do your school clothes shopping AND get a donation for your school... Limited Too donates 5% of your purchase!), Hallmark, OfficeMax and Hotels.com. The retailers donate anywhere from .5% to 8% depending on the retailer. So I clicked on Target, picked up some goodies and checked out. Simple as that.

The only issues I came across was having to register again once I reached the retailer's site. Reducing the amount of personal info you need to type to get through the whole transaction would have made it even easier. I also would have liked to see the "results" right away. According to the BoxTops website, it could take up to 8 weeks for the retailer to report back. But, nonetheless, I will be checking regularly to see those bucks add up.

I encourage you to try it out. It's a great way to earn items for your school that aren't covered with current funding.

*An extra bonus: The BoxTops for Education website has COUPONS for the General Mills products that have those coveted boxtops!

The Passing of This Season...

Yesterday Emma and I said "goodbye" to our house in Granger. I've spent the last few days supervising packers, carpet cleaners, and movers, all the while preparing the house for our new tenants. I cleaned in spurts occasionally picking up the spackling blade or paint brush to touch up the walls. As I drifted from project to project I couldn't shake the death imagery that kept coming to mind. I am a very visual person and sometimes the only way I can describe emotions or situations is through pictures and symbols.

While struggling to explain to a friend the emotional detachment I was feeling as I wandering through the rooms of my house and drove through the streets of my former neighborhood, I kept picturing veils over mirrors, as they do in some Jewish communities during a time of mourning. I felt as if I had placed a veil over my emotions in regards to the death of this season of life. There was also this impression of preparing a body for burial as I lovingly cleaned each corner and dressed each flaw in my home.

There is no doubt that I am sad. I'm eating like crap, not sleeping well, restless, having stomach pains. But the emotions are not up front. There are no tears. This transition has been a long time coming. Somewhat like a loved one who has suffered and been ill for a long time. You are prepared for the death, maybe even hope for it at times, but it is still painful when it happens.

Before we left, a tearful Emma climbed up to the first landing of our stairs. I thought she was on her way to see her empty bedroom. Instead she stopped at the landing and swung her leg over the banister for one last slide.

Back in Indiana...

Emma and I left Wednesday to fly back to Granger to meet the movers. We have leased the house and our renters will be moving in next Monday. Here we are waiting at the airport with Starbucks in hand.

At the moment I am waiting for the moving van... it is FOUR hours late. I'm a bit frustrated. I can't do much cleaning or painting when there are boxes and furniture strewn throughout the house.

On top of that, our lease agreement still isn't signed because the renters wanted their lawyer to review it. Their lawyer finally got back to our realtor today and they are asking to write in that if they want to purchase the house at the end of the lease that they can purchase it for almost 20k less than what we're asking right now for it and that we will apply all of their rental payments toward the purchase price. WTH? That's a year away! I'm not prepared to lower the price that much when we don't even know what the market will be a year from now. I'm really aggravated right now... can you tell? What if this blows the whole deal? I know, I know. "What if" should not be in my vocabulary but after several years of too many of the "what if's" actually happening, I can't break the habit.

What, if anything, is aggravating YOU today? Please... take my mind off of this for a few minutes.

Good Morning America Tomorrow

Steven Curtis Chapmas and his family are appearing tomorrow morning (currently the time slot is just after 8 am) on Good Morning America. I encourage you to hold up their family in prayer and pray that hearts will be open to hearing the message of hope that is professed.

From Steven's Road Manager's Blog: House Mix

Press Release: NASHVILLE, TN....AUGUST 4, 2008....GRAMMY and Dove Award winning artist Steven Curtis Chapman, along with his wife Mary Beth, and eldest children Emily, Caleb, and Will, will soon be opening their hearts to America about the loss of their daughter and sister Maria Chapman this past May 21st. GOOD MORNING AMERICA will air a special interview with Robin Roberts from The Chapman’s home in Franklin on August 6th, followed by a live interview from Los Angeles on LARRY KING LIVE on August 7th, and an extensive feature in an upcoming issue of PEOPLE magazine. The decision to speak publicly was not an easy one, and these will be the first interviews the family has participated in since Maria’s death.



“Initially Steven talked about never doing any concerts or media ever again,” comments Jim Houser, Chapman’s manager. “But quickly God began to show Steven that if he ever believed the songs he was writing, singing and recording before May 21st and Maria’s loss, that they must still be true now. It’s the family’s hope that these appearances with serve as a chance to proclaim to a watching world what they know and are deeply convinced of even in these difficult days, the Gospel is true and faith in Christ is our Hope.” (for remainder of release click HERE)





For the rest of the release and more on Maria, the Chapman family and Shaohannah's Hope (their orphan ministry) CLICK

Baldwin Family Update...

Wow... it's been a month since our family packed up 6 suitcases, a stroller, our cat, our dog and a carseat and left our home in Indiana to move out west. No covered wagon for this family... it was United airlines all the way.


We've spent the last few weeks becoming re-acclimated to California living (as evidenced by small changes like the piercings in Isaac's ears), settling into living with Grandma and Papi, visiting old friends and more...


Just a few highlights:



My parents live across the street from an elementary school which happens to be on a year-round schedule...so... last week Emma and Isaac joined the local throng of back-to-school shoppers. We purchased their uniforms and off they went to their first day of school in California.





Maddie has been taking swim lessons for the last four weeks and successfully learned to swim underwater to her teacher and back to the stairs!!! I am so proud of her!

This past Thursday, Landen attended Comic Con in downtown San Diego with my brother, Joe. He met up with a friend of ours from college, Doug TenNapel, author of such graphic novels as "Tommysaurus Rex" and "Creature Tech" and creator of the Nickelodeon show "Catscratch". My brother, Joe, used to stay with Doug in the men's dorms when he would visit me at school so it was a reunion of sorts.



I've begun working at Lamb's Players Theatre again. I'm doing box office work and I've had the most wonderful time reconnecting with everyone again. On Friday night, I took my mom to the preview performance of "Pretty Fire" and outside the theatre ran into Greg Grunberg (star of "Heroes"). He graciously signed an autograph for me to take home to Landen that read, "Landen, I know what you're thinking!" He was incredibly friendly and has a lovely family.

Blog Block...

I am suffering from Blog Block. Life is full. There is much to discuss. There are pictures to share, thoughts to reveal, insecurities to exorcise, opinions to spew, rants to run-on. But.

But I can't find the "whatever" to just do it. Put it all into words. Share it. Some of it feels too private. Some too insignificant. I believe it might be moving out of Blogger Block and into Blogger Insecurity. Who knows?

What keeps you from blogging? I mean, besides just "busy-ness". And when you run up against it what do you do to move past it or through it? Please. Share.

Adjusting My Definition...

of "Hospitality"...

Reading Tim Chester's blog this morning on 'Creating Communities of Grace", I came across this statement:

Consider the requirement of hospitality. It is literally ‘love of strangers’. This is not inviting friends to dinner parties. This means inviting strangers, difficult people, messy people.

We are to be the neighbours that everyone wants to have as neighbours.

Ummm...'nuf said.

My New Old Home

Gotta love being back in California...

Today we took Isaac to the Dutch's Touch Tattoo shop to get his ears pierced like his cousin Dakota.

Isaac getting pierced by "Seth" while cousin Dakota looks on.

Sportin' the needle while he waits for the hoop to be put in.

Still smilin' and no tears... what a stud!

For My Dad...

Larry and I had a very intense dating relationship. Things got serious very quickly and at one point the inevitable happened. We broke up. (I say “inevitable” because I think any couple with that intense of a relationship needs one good break up before the lifelong commitment.) I remember the night clearly… it was raining and we were standing outside my studio apartment in Pt. Loma and he told me (and can I just say I get intense pleasure from reminding him), “God has someone for everyone and I don’t think we’re it for each other.” Now at the time I was absolutely convinced that he was “the one” so this completely shattered my heart into a gazillion pieces. But in the midst of this, Larry and God gave me a gift.



You see, after Larry left I walked back to my apartment and called my mom and dad who were about 20 minutes away. It was late at night and I woke my dad up. Through tears I asked my dad if I could come home for the night. He said, “Of course…I get the spare room ready.” (Now, this meant a sleeping bag on the floor but I wanted home more than a bed at the moment.) So, I jumped in my car and, listening to sappy music, cried my way home.



A little background: My dad came into my life about 7 months after my birth father was killed in Vietnam. Some mutual friends had invited my mom and dad to a picnic and my dad says that when he saw my mom walking across the grass with me he knew she was the one he would marry. But things did not come easily for me and Dad. Both of us had passionate, strong, choleric temperaments and would butt heads at every corner. He was also a strong disciplinarian while I was one who always had to learn the hard way… not the best combination. I began struggling with depression as a teen and it often came out in anger while my Dad also struggled with anger. We fought so often and things were so tense that it is often hard for me to come up with tender, warm memories of my time growing up with him. Even our physical affection like hugs and kissed was strained at best. When I reached college he began a transformation. He was in the midst of this when I called in tears that rainy night.



When I arrived home, my dad was waiting up for me. He let me in the front door and I remember clearly that he didn’t push me to talk or ask me why I was crying. I went into the spare room and crawled into the sleeping bag and sobbed into my pillow. After a few minutes I heard someone kneeling down beside me. Soon a hand started stroking my head. It was my dad. He never said a word. Just let me cry. This was my gift. A beautiful, tender memory with my dad. I will never forget it. While things would still become rocky at times between us, this memory was burned in my heart forever.



So to the two most important dads in my life:



Larry: Thank you for giving me that moment with my dad. Oh, and for deciding that you were wrong. God did mean for us to be together.



Dad: Thank you for just letting me cry. Thank you for sitting there until I fell asleep, worn out with tears. Thank you for the tenderness you showed me that night. I love you.

Happy Father’s Day

Wanna see somethin' cute?

Isn't he adorable? And I love him even more almost 18 years later!

(And.. yes. That is an 80's/early 90's perm under that veil.)

This weekend at Wendy's...

This weekend Wendy's restaurants are donating $.50 for every Frosty sold to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. So... go splurge! They have new flavors and they're handspun... YUM! Click on the Frosty to get more information. Think I'll scrap my diet for the weekend and help them reach their goal!!!

My handsome 11 year old!

Isaac turned 11 last week. He is so grown up and getting so handsome... if I do say so myself. For the story of how God knitted him into our family read this previous post from April 15, 2007.

Wordless Wednesday

Today I saw Jesus...

Today I saw Jesus in my daughter, Emma (9 yrs old). This morning Maddie (our 4 year old) was scheduled to get four shots (she's catching up on immunizations here in the U.S.). Knowing this, Emma put together a gift bag with things she had found while packing that she didn't use anymore (or didn't use often)... a stuffed animal, a few books and a cute horse necklace (a nice one but Emma's not a jewelry girl and Maddie lives for accessories). She wrote on the note attached to the bag, " To Maddie, I love you. You did great with your shots!" She also enclosed a note that had one of her famous dog drawings and "Good job on your shots!" written in big letters across the top.

Emma went along with us to the doctor's office and spent the entire time leading up to the appointment distracting her with drawing and talking. At one point, while Emma was doing Maddie's seat belt for her (something she usually gripes about when I ask her to do it), Maddie says, "Mommy! Emma loves me!" I guess all the extra attention was sending a message! After the shots had been administered and the tears dried, Emma walked out with her to the car. As soon as they were in their seats, she leaned over to where she had "hidden" Maddie's present and gave it to her! Maddie was thrilled. She put on the necklace immediately and has been playing with everything else since. On top of the gift giving, Emma pulled out one of the books and started reading it to her in the car. It was so very sweet and thoughtful and I was so thrilled and proud that she did this on her own. I love that little girl.

Sweetly Broken

Fear is a miserable companion. It begins in the pit of my stomach before my mind even registers it's existence. It cloaks itself in depression and sometimes anger. It insinuates itself into every response, masking it's true position as an idol in my heart with euphemisms like "worry" and "concern". The reality is that I have some major trust issues. The fact that I'm an oldest child should not justify my unwillingness to relinquish control but it's an excuse I often spout with just enough of a smile that I seem transparent and able to laugh at my own foibles.

Last night, our worship pastor, Ryan, slipped a song into the set that we hadn't rehearsed the night before. (We have Thursday night services during the summer.) It was the hymn (updated and accompanied by electric guitar, of course) "I Surrender All". Ummm. Yeah. Can we just skip that one?

Here's the thing. I don't want to. Surrender all, that is. It's too frightening for me, especially when what I see looks hopeless. I look at the fact that our house has been on the market for 9 months...that's right. NINE months... and it hasn't sold in a market where other houses are selling in just a few months. I mean, it's not like we're in Southern California where the market is tanking. Our house is gorgeous and in one of the best, most coveted developments in Granger and no. one. will. buy. it. Meanwhile, our family is apart 2-3 weeks out of each month while Larry travels to work. This puts serious strain on our family dynamics as we readjust every few days to different schedules and expectations. We also have one car. With brakes that need to be fixed. Then I find myself worried about arriving in San Diego and having nowhere to live. Or having to settle (something an oldest child absolutely hates to do). There is something in me that absolutely rebels against taking our children away from a beautiful home that they love and moving them into something less. I know it's shallow but it makes me sick (how's that for transparency?). Without selling this house we will not qualify for anything and even with selling our house, we qualify for very little (a result of a couple of very difficult years here in Granger). My fears start to compound and I am unable to see God working in any of this.

Now, I should make it quite clear that I know things could be so much worse. And you should know that Larry is an incredible father and husband and takes take of us in ways that I believe most men would not. Without his wisdom, the circumstances that blindsided and crippled us could have resulted in much more dire consequences. Because of him (and certainly not me because I have not the discipline nor the financial acumen) we have avoided bankruptcy, foreclosure, delinquencies, loss of medical care and much more. I know that God carried us through those times with a clarity that I wish I could hold onto for more than a brief moment.

So, returning to last night... we came out of communion singing "I Surrender All" and I was fighting it. My attempts to disengage started to erode somewhere around verse two:

All to Jesus I surrender
Humbly at His feet I bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

Slowly the layers of resolve began to peel away despite my best efforts to stayed pissed at God. The set was orchestrated to move from "I Surrender All" into "Sweetly Broken" (Jeremy Riddle) with me leading. By the time I hit the chorus I had to drop out. I broke. The tears streamed down my face as I was reminded anew that 'God is love and God is just.'

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

I was so beautifully brought into recognition of His sovereignty despite my willful distrust. I am praying this morning as the pit in my stomach takes up it's normal residency that Christ will invade my space moment by moment today. That He will reveal himself to me in ways that assault my selfish nature and infringe on my comfort. That He will continue to humble me and transform my yearnings until they align with His will. That His kingdom will come, His will be done in my heart and life as it is in heaven.

Isaac graduates from 5th grade and elementary school...

Two Best Friends acting goofy and showing off their new Discovery Middle School Shirts
(left: Zach Bonek; right: Our Isaac)

Nick, Zach and Isaac with their "diplomas"

Isaac with Mrs. Nash (His teacher for both 4th and 5th)

But I always thought that I'd see you again...

Today the nation observes Memorial Day commemorating U.S. men and women who perished while in military service to their country. For some of us it is much more personal. For my mother it is a loud reminder of a memory that is usually quietly tucked away in the safe recesses of her heart. A memory of a high school sweetheart, an earnest young husband, a new daddy and a war gone wrong. For me it summons stories told by a wistful grandparent who loved a boy as her own. Stories of love. A boy crossing the street hiding the Bible his dad hated under his shirt and sneaking to church. A teenager asking out the little sister of his one true love so he can tag along and watch his love with another. A young man in uniform vowing to have and to hold until 'death do us part'. The new father holding his newborn baby girl up to the large mirror in grandma's living room insisting, "Grandma, isn't she the prettiest baby you ever saw? Isn't she?" A dreaded telegram and a Valentine's card he sent but didn't arrive until after he was gone. This is Memorial Day for me. Today I honor Dana Randolph Barker (July 21, 1947 - February 13, 1969). 1st Lieutenant in the U.S. Army. Causality number 37551. The father I never knew.

I hope she looks like you
I hope she fights like me
Stands up for
the innocent and the weak
-"If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw

mercy, Jesus, mercy

This is horrific news. The 5 year old daughter of Steven Curtis Chapman, Maria, was killed this evening in their own driveway (pictured to the right: Maria and Steven) Apparently, one of his teenage son's was backing out of the driveway in an SUV and didn't see her. I am sick. Jesus, sweet Jesus, please be with this family and this boy.

Larry and I had just worked his South Bend concert in March and were so moved by his passion for the orphan and adoption. For the full story click here or on the picture of Maria and Steven.

In the words of Jen Zug, "I think I'm throwing up a little in my mouth..."

Little did you know with the title above that we would be discussing American Idol 2008 finals! And, yes, fully knowing that my husband thinks I'm taking this a little too seriously, I have to say that I have never in my life seen such Flagrant pimping from the judges. And frankly, I'm not sure I understand the reasons why. In my mind, the mind of a consumer, I would think that David Cook is the bigger money maker with a more definitive radio-friendly sound. David Archuleta, who arguably has one of the most accurate and pure voices to ever grace the AI stage, is a "crooner". When was the last time you heard a guy sing a cheesy ballad on a top 40 station? And, yes, people. My radio is often tuned to top-40. I have kids and I can't always be listening to talk radio, NPR or alternative adult contemporary folk/rock. Besides, sometimes I actually enjoy it! And I would enjoy it even more if David Cook was on it!!!! Someone who takes more risks with his song choices and arrangements and is old enough to make those risks and choices on his own (without parental interference). I have a feeling I am going to be disappointed tonight.

Landen Leaves for DC

Landen taking his suitcase to the bus.

Each year the 8th graders at Landen's middle school go on a tour of Washington DC. This is his year! He left tonight in a caravan of 5 charter buses full of 8th graders. He is going to have SO much fun and I am so excited for him.

The Roomies (Landen is 2nd from the right in the "strongbad" shirt)

Our little spring discovery...

We have three very new, very naked, very tiny friends under our deck...

Mama was close by keeping watch over her babies while we checked them out. We are very excited about watching them grow over the next few weeks!

My new favorite thing...

And I am NOT getting paid by anyone to say this (although those of you who try it and end up saving thousands of dollars in pedicures, may want to treat me to lunch... I'm just sayin').

A while back I saw this little device being reviewed on some morning news show and was surprised by the fact that it looked as if it actually worked.

Now, I am a barefoot girl. I hate shoes and the shoes I do like to wear are ones I can slip on and off very easily (didn't go so well living here in Indiana in the winter after being used to San Diego weather). Because of my distaste for covering my feet in soft socks and closed shoes, my feet are very tough and rugged. This means that on the rare occasion that I can get an extended amount of alone time and the funds to get a pedicure, the poor nail tech has to work a miracle to get my feet to look pretty and feel soft.

Fast forward to yesterday as I was picking up prescriptions at our friendly neighborhood WalGreens. Sprinting through the aisles my eyes glimpsed the PedEgg display on an end shelving unit with a SALE sign directly above. The SALE sign is what made me stop. I thought, in a impulse buying moment, "wth?" and threw one in my little basket.

Let me tell you, people... it is worth it's weight in gold and so much more! I cannot rave enough about the results... I will be saving SO much money on pedi's!!!!! My feet are like new... they feel fabulous and I am one happy little thrifty mama.

Empower Some Girls in Africa

Buy my friend, Jen's, zine today! I did.

There are limited quantities!

Read about it and buy here: http://tinyurl.com/6gk4ag

I am so proud of her and her dream!

* Illustration used with permission

Should I be worried?

Mother's Day Video - Grandma Teez Version

My boys...

I picked Isaac up after 5th grade camp today. I can't believe he's going into middle school...frightening. He had a great time and arrived home tired and full of wonderful memories.

Isaac, Zach and Nick

Tonight is Landen's 8th grade dance. While one son is leaving elementary and joining the ranks of the junior high schoolers... this one is moving out of that world and into the scary world of high school. As he left, Maddie said, "he looks SO handsome..."

Love Thursday

This week our family fell in love. Our dear psuedo-sister, Heather, came out from California to visit and brought her two-year old, Kyler, with her. Now, don't get me wrong. He is definitely TWO! But he is also affectionate, clever, hysterically funny and the biggest Bret Favre fan on the planet. One of the funniest things was Kyler trying to get his mouth around "Isaac" which came out as "Ice-kick" but sounding eerily close to "Ass-kick" delighting all who heard.

Additionally, Emma enjoyed teaching Kyler tricks. Witness Kyler's knack for the vernacular.

I love this little girl...