Monday, August 11, 2008

The Passing of This Season...

Yesterday Emma and I said "goodbye" to our house in Granger. I've spent the last few days supervising packers, carpet cleaners, and movers, all the while preparing the house for our new tenants. I cleaned in spurts occasionally picking up the spackling blade or paint brush to touch up the walls. As I drifted from project to project I couldn't shake the death imagery that kept coming to mind. I am a very visual person and sometimes the only way I can describe emotions or situations is through pictures and symbols.

While struggling to explain to a friend the emotional detachment I was feeling as I wandering through the rooms of my house and drove through the streets of my former neighborhood, I kept picturing veils over mirrors, as they do in some Jewish communities during a time of mourning. I felt as if I had placed a veil over my emotions in regards to the death of this season of life. There was also this impression of preparing a body for burial as I lovingly cleaned each corner and dressed each flaw in my home.

There is no doubt that I am sad. I'm eating like crap, not sleeping well, restless, having stomach pains. But the emotions are not up front. There are no tears. This transition has been a long time coming. Somewhat like a loved one who has suffered and been ill for a long time. You are prepared for the death, maybe even hope for it at times, but it is still painful when it happens.

Before we left, a tearful Emma climbed up to the first landing of our stairs. I thought she was on her way to see her empty bedroom. Instead she stopped at the landing and swung her leg over the banister for one last slide.


GrangerBaxters said...

Well, I miss you. I also am bummed that you are gone. I hate goodbyes - that is just to hard for me. Sunday will be sad again because I'll drive by Fir Road but won't turn down it to pick you up. I'm glad the season of wonder is over, but I hate that you are gone more than I thought I would. In fact, I had to MAKE myself look on your blog today. So please keep blogging... it's a good way for me to know what you are up to. Also, I want to know about all your Christmas plans.... Miss you and your little guts... Since they are little now ;)

Christine said...

This is all very beautifully written. I feel your grief.
You and your family are, and will continue to always be, missed.
I pray for many blessings as you begin this new season.