Searching for a Sign

Sometimes I'm so silly.  I tend to be an impatient person and waiting is not my forte.  I'd rather stick nails in my eyeballs then wait in line at the grocery store.  I've contemplated ramming my cart into the butt of the lady in front of me at times. You know the one... the one who took 35 items into the 15 items or less line and then has to search through her coupons AT the register instead of having them ready before hand...if I'm really lucky she has a screaming child begging for the candy that's surrounding us on all sides (thanks grocery stores everywhere for this brilliant marketing plan...we parents just can't wait for that portion of the shopping trip.)

If I'm impatient in the midst of a little shopping trip, you can imagine what a bitch I can be when I have to wait for things that are really important...like medical results, checks in the mail, houses selling and figuring out what I'm supposed to be doing with the rest of my life.  I'm there right now...hanging in the balance of a lot of "not knowing".  I read this verse the other day:

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

I'm pretty sure that God had David write this specifically for me. (nevermind the several thousand year delay in getting to the right person)  Notice how he repeats the phrase "wait for the LORD"?  Apparently some of us I need the extra emphasis.  So I'm trying this "being strong and taking heart" thing...I've been throwing up "help!" prayers several times an hour and I think it might be working a little.  The bitch level is definitely lower than usual but I'm still searching everywhere for a sign...something that will give me the answers I'm looking for.  In the meantime, I'll keep hurling my "help" prayers up to God and meditating on this verse until it is born in my spirit and burned on my soul.

What are you waiting for? Have you found help from any promises of God?  What is encouraging you during your wait?

Back in Indiana...

Emma and I left Wednesday to fly back to Granger to meet the movers. We have leased the house and our renters will be moving in next Monday. Here we are waiting at the airport with Starbucks in hand.

At the moment I am waiting for the moving van... it is FOUR hours late. I'm a bit frustrated. I can't do much cleaning or painting when there are boxes and furniture strewn throughout the house.

On top of that, our lease agreement still isn't signed because the renters wanted their lawyer to review it. Their lawyer finally got back to our realtor today and they are asking to write in that if they want to purchase the house at the end of the lease that they can purchase it for almost 20k less than what we're asking right now for it and that we will apply all of their rental payments toward the purchase price. WTH? That's a year away! I'm not prepared to lower the price that much when we don't even know what the market will be a year from now. I'm really aggravated right now... can you tell? What if this blows the whole deal? I know, I know. "What if" should not be in my vocabulary but after several years of too many of the "what if's" actually happening, I can't break the habit.

What, if anything, is aggravating YOU today? Please... take my mind off of this for a few minutes.

In the words of Jen Zug, "I think I'm throwing up a little in my mouth..."

Little did you know with the title above that we would be discussing American Idol 2008 finals! And, yes, fully knowing that my husband thinks I'm taking this a little too seriously, I have to say that I have never in my life seen such Flagrant pimping from the judges. And frankly, I'm not sure I understand the reasons why. In my mind, the mind of a consumer, I would think that David Cook is the bigger money maker with a more definitive radio-friendly sound. David Archuleta, who arguably has one of the most accurate and pure voices to ever grace the AI stage, is a "crooner". When was the last time you heard a guy sing a cheesy ballad on a top 40 station? And, yes, people. My radio is often tuned to top-40. I have kids and I can't always be listening to talk radio, NPR or alternative adult contemporary folk/rock. Besides, sometimes I actually enjoy it! And I would enjoy it even more if David Cook was on it!!!! Someone who takes more risks with his song choices and arrangements and is old enough to make those risks and choices on his own (without parental interference). I have a feeling I am going to be disappointed tonight.

Wordless (Mon, Tue and...) Wednesday

Best laid plans...

I had high hopes for all the house work I would accomplish today after being down with some stomach yuck. Somehow, with missing snow boots, a drive to the school to search for them, a run-in with a certain son's teacher who informed me of some important missing homework, an hour and 1/2 of walking said son through the homework assignment, throwing a certain un-named preschooler into the tub because she drew all over her arms with ballpoint pen, scrubbing aforementioned arms until they were raw so that she wouldn't show up at preschool tomorrow looking like she has a mother who only eats bon-bons all day while her children run wild ( I mean, real-ly. I only do that on Tuesdays.), and then realizing I better get dinner going so my children won't starve since I have to take one of them to small group at 6 and then get myself to worship rehearsal...it just didn't happen.

(Random Pet Peeve Statement: By the way, WORLD, I just used "myself" in the previous sentence the correct way...I am so frustrated with the way people use that word in place of "me"!!! Even on the news, in presidential debates, sermons, in books...it's criminal.)

Oh crap... I just remembered that I have to make lunches.

Oh no...not again...

I have a stomach virus for the second time since Dec. 31st. I hate this feeling.

Girls Scouts: Handmaidens of Satan

Why else would they make their cookie season during the month of January when fat, chubby, or simply fluffy people are trying desperately to lose weight? What fresh hell is this?

By the way, your orders are in.

Geek Shriek

I have absolutely NO love for the Geek Squad at the moment!

60 second vent session...

Ok...so I'm tearing around my house trying to get some rooms ready so our broker can take some photos for the listing and I keep coming across more and more to do...unmade beds, toys on the floor, dirty clothes strewn around various rooms, clean clothes strewn across various rooms, dried toothpaste on sinks, dried toothpaste on counters, dried toothpaste on mirrors, dried toothpaste on EVERYTHING...well, almost... my kitchen sink is plugged, there are these fruit fly things all over my house that I can NOT get rid of, I haven't even checked the basement yet and I know she wants pictures of it because it's a huge feature of our house (custom bar, etc)... and I'm thinking..."how in the hell am I going to sell a house with four kids, a dog, cat, 6 mice and 4 fish? I am crazy already... having to show it on a regular basis is going to be insane."

Ok...done venting... for now.

Race

So I'm filling out the new patient questionnaires for our pediatric dentist... name... address... phone number... birthdate... sex (I'm pretty sure they meant gender)... race... WHAT? RACE? What pertinent information about my child's dental health could they possibly glean from knowing my child's race? And who in the hell can even narrow down their race to just one? The question is completely irrelevant. Which brings me back to my answer...race: human.

The Happiest Place on Earth?

There are those moments when I pass myself in a store window or a mirrored wall and I am puzzled by the reflection I catch from the corner of my eye.

Is that really me? When did my arms get that squishy? Where did those spots on my face come from? Do I always look this tired?

It almost always serves as a catalyst for some serious dieting or a deep depression. Rarely do I find myself “surprised” by something good; an improvement in my appearance that somehow I overlooked. Hmmm…when did my butt suddenly shrink and get so damn tight!? Wow…nice rack! Where did those come from? The positive aspects of my physical appearance are more often than not hard won with dedicated perseverance, meticulous care and the latest camouflaging make up…a little difficult to have them sneak up on me.

On the other hand, when it comes to my inner life…my emotions, attitudes and values…I usually stumble upon positive changes as if they were part of a Holy Spirit stealth mission. I don’t realize I was shifting, adjusting, amending until either someone brings it to my attention or I’m faced with a familiar situation that I notice I’m responding to in a whole new way. Many times I didn’t even realize I needed an adjustment in the first place.

I suppose this is a God-ordained pride impediment. It is very clear to me that any positive changes have been driven by my soul redeemer and not due to any effort on my part.

I had a moment like this a couple weeks ago when we took our kids to Disneyland. Now, we’ve taken the older three to Disneyland before. In fact, I think we have been at least one time while each one was stroller-bound. Let me just say for the record, that I really did try to enjoy those visits. I wanted the kids to have fun and enjoy the adventures in the happiest place on earth and, perhaps more importantly, get some priceless photos of the event that could be scrapbooked into some award winning layouts.

The problem was that I wanted to have fun too and “fun” to me, was still riding the rides. And when I say “rides”, I’m not talking about Dumbo or Peter Pan…I’m talking about the good rides…the ones you can’t force a toddler, preschooler OR spirited grade-schooler onto…like Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain or the lean-against-the-guy-you-want-to-kiss-ride, the Matterhorn. So, while I pasted on a smile each time the kids wanted to go through Small World again, I was cringing on the inside and to make matter’s worse, sighing on the outside. You know the sigh I’m talking about…the “ugh” sigh you let out when you’re frustrated with faking a good attitude but if anyone really confronts you on your duplicitous behavior, you can say you were just relishing the moment. Yeah…those sighs.

Needless to say, I did not end up relishing those visits to Disneyland. Instead I became resentful that I wasn’t doing any of the things I wanted to do and guilty that I even wanted to do them instead of be the kind of mom who savors the moment simply because her children are delighted.

This year I sat myself down and gave myself a stern talking to. This time, Miss Melissa, you will suck it up. You have all four of your kids at Disneyland, each excited about different things and it IS all about them. It is not about you. Pull your head out and, dammit, enjoy your children!

Sometime that afternoon, as I was counting down my second hour of standing in 90° heat for the new Nemo submarine ride, I realized something profound. I wasn’t bitter! I was hot, tired, sore and having a wonderful time. I almost felt like waiting in the Nemo submarine line was my gift (in a very non-martyrdom sort of way) to my girls and I was thrilled to watch the wonder alight on their faces as they peered through the portholes of our sub. Sure, I still wanted to wander through the gift shops but I was perfectly content doing that on the way out with my sleeping beauty all bundled down in the stroller. And I still wanted to ride Space Mountain but my joy came from sitting beside my 13 year old as he conquered his fear of roller coasters.

How did this happen? I certainly didn’t do anything. I went into Disneyland completely expecting to still want all the things I had always wanted from a Disneyland trip and to not get them. I just figured I would be a guilt-ridden martyr…again.

Surprise. I guess grace stepped in once again.

Things I Now Know @ Ft. Worth

1. Ft. Worth, TX has the LOUDEST birds in the universe
2. Said birds have the most digestive issues of any birds in any other locale
3. Ft. Worth and my hair do NOT get along!

Making the 'Spiritual' Connection

Lately I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to convince Maddie that she is 'big enough' to go potty by herself. She, on the other hand, has been adamant that she needs assistance, specifically, from Mommy.

Today we were careening through the house during another last minute "potty" alarm. Limbs were flinging left and right as we dodged a football, sleeping bag, mouse house and two, or was it three, remotes to some electronic device that probably doesn't work anymore. As we raced toward the bathroom, I prepared an outline in my head for my opening arguments which I had scheduled to begin the moment I placed her, captive, on the potty.

As I plopped her down on the seat, I said, calmly and rationally, "Maddie, you're a big girl now. You don't need me to help you."

"But mommy, I do. I do need help."

"No, Maddie. Mommy doesn't need to help you."

Suddenly a light went on.

I held my breath. Could this be 'IT'? The right of passage into a world of no longer needing to wipe anyone else's butt (OK...admittedly... I wasn't factoring in elder care for my parents someday...I was caught up in the excitement of the moment).

Maddie took a deep breath and said, "Mommy doesn't need to help me? Will Jesus help me?"

Clearly, my point didn't get through.

Does anyone else...

get embarrassed when they're watching tv with their 13 year old son and a commercial for "personal lubricant" comes on?

Heart of Darkness

I am always amazed at the depravity of my own mind. You know, those secret places that you don’t even fully acknowledged yourself. I’m not just talking about that part of you (ok…me) that wishes to shove pudding up Rosie O’Donnell’s nose when she speaks without thinking or fill Rush Limbaugh’s bed full of Cheetos just to piss him off more. I’m talking about the place that I came face to face with this morning and instead of pushing it aside, I reluctantly invited it to sit down for a minute so I could (maybe) start to deal with it.

My daughter, Emma, and her best friend, Madeline, woke up very early for a Saturday morning. I finally rolled out of bed, poured myself some instant awake (coffee) and dug out some left over scones for them to eat for breakfast. A while later, as I was pouring a fresh cup of coffee to take up to Larry, I realized I was feeling smug.

Now, you have to understand that Larry NEVER sleeps in. He is always the first up with the kids in the morning. It is extremely rare for me to get up and get everyone going. I explain this away very easily because I’m positive no one would really want me to be the one to greet them in the early morning hours. I can scare small animals and children with a mere glance.

But this morning, I did get up and I was feeling pretty self-satisfied with my burst of generosity. What is this? I don’t like this side of me. Why can’t I just do things because I’m a loving, giving person? While I believe that those things were mixed into my mess of motivations, they weren’t lingering in my heart…it was the pride that was stinking up the atmosphere.

Final thought: Grace…can’t live without it.

Discovery...

I now know that the social service system in our country is fucking messed up (I apologize for the strong language). I don't see how anyone, let alone a sick or frightened, uneducated or mentally ill, destitute or temporarily down on their luck person can navigate such a screwed up mess of bureaucracy. Hail to the Chief...

Five Things I Know About Myself

This is a question my husband (whose 'love language' is quality time with the subheading 'quality conversation') came up with. This is not to include personality traits or likes and dislikes per se. He loves to come up with questions that spur conversations into deeper waters.

1. I like to have a plan. (disclaimer: This does not mean I have to religiously adhere to the plan. It simply means I will go crazy much faster if I have nothing to look forward to or have no idea what may be coming next. I absolutely can not handle sitting around trying to decide what to do. I would rather change a plan.)
2. I should NEVER (I repeat, NEVER) volunteer for children's ministry, no matter how guilty I feel. (the consequences that would follow would be devastating for all involved)

So...there's the start of my list...do you have some? Tell me about 'em!!!!!!