SURPRISE~!!!

Our Article 5 came in which means all we are waiting for now is Travel Approval and then we can schedule our trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are still doing all we can to raise the funds for our flights.  Feel free to shop for Christmas gifts at one of the following sites... a portion of the price goes toward our airfare!

• Pampered Chef
• Olive Tree Promise (gifts from all around the globe!)

I Look To The Mountains...

This adoption journey has been a roller coaster of sorts... which, now that I think of it, is pretty much like our other adoptions, just all on different tracks.  Highs that can carry us for days.  Lows that temporarily paralyze us.  Twists and turns that can either thrill or alarm.  A few times we've gone up that slow steep track getting ready for the next racing plummet.  It's hurry up and wait.  It's double-checking.  It's paper cuts from all the forms.  Staring at the face of a stranger we will call "son".  We fasten our harnesses and hang on.  The comfort we have in all of this is that this ride, as daunting as it may be, will NEVER jump the track.

When we started this process I was determined to set a record for the fastest Waiting Child adoption ever.  I know, surprises you all.  I combed websites, filled out paperwork, gathered documents, attended our required online training sessions, read our required books... all at record speed.  We informed our agency on March 14, 2013 of our intentions to adopt Benjamin Lilu.  On June 26th all of our paperwork was sent to China (home study, initial immigration approval) all notarized, certified and authenticated.  We expected that we would possibly travel in October based on current time lines and our approved medical expedite with immigration.  After not hearing any updates for weeks, our agency was finally informed that our paperwork had been "misplaced" and hadn't even been logged into the system until August 13th.  Then several weeks later expecting to hear we had approval, we received a request for more documents.

With our most recent delay I was encouraged by another adoptive mom to read the Psalm that corresponded with the number of days we had been waiting.  So, I counted back to June 26th and started digging into the Psalms.

Today was Day 121.

Today I read Psalm 121.

Psalm 121

¹ I look up to the mountains—
    does my help come from there?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth!

³ He will not let you stumble;
    the one who watches over you will not slumber.
⁴ Indeed, he who watches over Israel
    never slumbers or sleeps.

⁵ The Lord himself watches over you!
    The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
⁶ The sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon at night.

⁷ The Lord keeps you from all harm
    and watches over your life.
⁸ The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
    both now and forever.

I have heard this Psalm since I was a little girl but reading it again today I was taken back to the moment when this Psalm came to life for me.

I was 20 years old and house managing for a production of "Diary of Anne Frank".  I will never forget hearing my friend, Carmen Beauxbeaux, as Mrs. Frank reciting Psalm 121 as the Franks and fellow attic-mates celebrated  Hanukkah.  Night after night I heard these words spoken in the context of one of the most abhorrent moments in human history.  Carmen spoke them strong and clear, infusing Mrs. Frank with a quiet confidence in her God.

As the memory washed over me I was overwhelmed by my lack of faith.  I have trouble trusting God in every area of my life.  Yet for one to speak the words of Psalm 121 in the face of annihilation... well, it seems impossible.

Oh me of little faith.  Forces me to my knees.  Destroys me. Brings me to Mark 9:24 as I say along with the father begging for healing for his son, "Lord, I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”

This Mortal Life

Lately it seems death is all around... I suppose it's always been.  Maybe now it's just that it's getting closer.  I can feel the darkness bearing down on me and those I love.

Eternity has always been a difficult concept for me.  The idea of it sends me into a spiraling anxiety attack. Consequently, death is something that I have always pushed into the far recesses of my mind where I can bury it beneath everyday normal activities.  Safely tucked away where it can't hurt me. This only works during the day when I can keep my mind busy with the tyranny of the urgent.  At night, when all is quiet except my mind, it haunts me.

What if everything I believe about life and death and time is wrong?  What if death really is the end?  And even if everything I've built my faith upon is indeed true, then how exactly do I wrap my spirit around an unending story?

As death has crept into my circle I've realized that even when I question my convictions, I inevitably return to them and cling to them for strength, comfort and meaning. 

Teresa's mommy saying goodbye

Michelle and Chris Gennaro

In the past few months I have lost loved ones and watched loved ones who have lost.  I've seen a man in his late 90's pass peacefully into the next forever in the midst of a family who loves him and is proud to call him "D-D-Daddy".  I've convened with the hearts of past classmates pleading for the life of a true man of God and sat with silent tears as the news came that he was gone.  I've witnessed his wife, in the center of her pain, cling to the promises of God with a hope that transcends anything I know.  I've entered into the story of a little 6 year old girl... Teresa... an orphan from China... with no hope at all... live a new life, a full life with a forever family.  I followed intensely the process from her first call that there was a new heart available to her to her final moments in her parents arms.  I have fallen head first into the story of our son, Benjamin's, orphanage "sister"... Meisyn, a sweet seven year old dreamer who has compiled her "sand bucket list" of things she wants to do before her soul leaves this earth.  I have held my sweet friend, Heather, up to the skies as she learns to say goodbye to her son, Tyler... a boy who will never grow up.  And I have cried tears of empathy and fear for my own heart-sick son as I read the story from Mary Beth Chapman on the loss of her daughter, Maria.

Me with Heather and her sons, Tyler (left) and Ryan (right) not long after Tyler's diagnosis

Benjamin (center) and Meisyn (in pink) at their orphanage

This is all so broken.  This is not the way it should be.  My spirit cries out for those gone and those left behind.

There is one common thread that weaves itself through these moments of grief and it is Jesus Christ.  In each circumstance, ultimately the glory was His.  He made himself known in the deepest, darkest places.  There were glimmers of hope and glimpses of peace.  Even at the heart of my doubt, I clutch at these moments, grasping for an understanding that will probably never be fully realized here on this earth.  Many lives have been moved to deeper faith, courageous choices and a more realized recognition of redemption.  They are beacons to me.  They are pointing the way... to a place of which I am admittedly frightened but a place where we shall see Him as He is.

Benediction

I think one of my favorite parts of any church service is the benediction.  I just feel like holding my hands up (and sometimes I do), lifting my face toward heaven and drinking in the blessing.  Today one of my facebook friends posted this benediction from Romans 15:13.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I cling to this blessing today as I am bound to this period of waiting. 

I'm following a voice in faithful pursuit
I'm searching my soul to do what I'm called to do
I need Your benediction, where's Your benediction?
I'm battling the odds through faces of doubt
And it would mean so much if you could send me out
With Your benediction, I need Your benediction
                          -Susan Ashton, "Benediction"

Moving Forward or Moving On

Right now I am at a stage where I'm waiting for answers.  Mostly I want answers so I can move forward or move on.  The problem comes when I start contemplating the option of moving on instead of forward.  What would that look like?  And I come up with no response.  I don't have an option B in many cases.  So do I start planning my life as if I need to move on and create a Plan B?  The fact is that I'm scared to think about moving on.  It's too ambiguous.  I'm clinging to Jeremiah 29:11 and preaching it's truth to myself over and over.  I have to.  Because the minute I lose sight of the fact that God has a plan for me (one with a hope and a future) I lose it...energy, peace, joy... I must preach this to myself and in the next second, preach it again.

What do you do when you're waiting for answers?  What are some of your coping mechanisms or truths from scripture that help sustain you?

Searching for a Sign

Sometimes I'm so silly.  I tend to be an impatient person and waiting is not my forte.  I'd rather stick nails in my eyeballs then wait in line at the grocery store.  I've contemplated ramming my cart into the butt of the lady in front of me at times. You know the one... the one who took 35 items into the 15 items or less line and then has to search through her coupons AT the register instead of having them ready before hand...if I'm really lucky she has a screaming child begging for the candy that's surrounding us on all sides (thanks grocery stores everywhere for this brilliant marketing plan...we parents just can't wait for that portion of the shopping trip.)

If I'm impatient in the midst of a little shopping trip, you can imagine what a bitch I can be when I have to wait for things that are really important...like medical results, checks in the mail, houses selling and figuring out what I'm supposed to be doing with the rest of my life.  I'm there right now...hanging in the balance of a lot of "not knowing".  I read this verse the other day:

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

I'm pretty sure that God had David write this specifically for me. (nevermind the several thousand year delay in getting to the right person)  Notice how he repeats the phrase "wait for the LORD"?  Apparently some of us I need the extra emphasis.  So I'm trying this "being strong and taking heart" thing...I've been throwing up "help!" prayers several times an hour and I think it might be working a little.  The bitch level is definitely lower than usual but I'm still searching everywhere for a sign...something that will give me the answers I'm looking for.  In the meantime, I'll keep hurling my "help" prayers up to God and meditating on this verse until it is born in my spirit and burned on my soul.

What are you waiting for? Have you found help from any promises of God?  What is encouraging you during your wait?