Friday, June 22, 2012

Repost: Sometimes I...(originally Nov. 14, 2008)

Sometimes I...

...miss nursing two of my babies and wish I could have nursed the other two
...know I am more sinful that I would ever admit
...know I am more loved than I could ever imagine
...hate my undisciplined self
...can't believe how I talk to my kids how I make my kids laugh
...need to get away scared of eternity
...feel caught outside of time
...don't think anyone understands overwhelmed by grace
...wish I shared grace more freely with others
...think there may be one more child out there that needs our family
...wake up
...worry that there isn't anything more than what is right now
...don't want "right now" to ever end
...spend too much time comparing myself to everyone else
...miss the sound of a train off in the distance and my chest hurts a total bitch
...remember to apologize
...remember to forgive myself
...take him for granted
...lose myself in the smell of his neck spinning my wheels spinning too many plates spinning tales to shut it all out for the applause of others
...wish I didn't care
...have standards that are too high
...root for the underdog
...wish my children would just grow up
...wish they never would lazy
...realize how much I miss when I'm lazy
...spend too much time in regret
...forget how to dream
...forget how to hope
...forget how to love
...want to be sung to sleep
...feel like a burden
...want a house
...remember to be grateful
...let my emotional life be dictated by his mood
...feel safer with him than ever
...know I love him more now than ever before
...wonder if he really does love me
...marvel at the father he is to our children my babies sleep and am held captive by the moment
...remember the moment my soul met each of my child's souls and they recognized us as family

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Searching for a Sign

Sometimes I'm so silly.  I tend to be an impatient person and waiting is not my forte.  I'd rather stick nails in my eyeballs then wait in line at the grocery store.  I've contemplated ramming my cart into the butt of the lady in front of me at times. You know the one... the one who took 35 items into the 15 items or less line and then has to search through her coupons AT the register instead of having them ready before hand...if I'm really lucky she has a screaming child begging for the candy that's surrounding us on all sides (thanks grocery stores everywhere for this brilliant marketing plan...we parents just can't wait for that portion of the shopping trip.)

If I'm impatient in the midst of a little shopping trip, you can imagine what a bitch I can be when I have to wait for things that are really medical results, checks in the mail, houses selling and figuring out what I'm supposed to be doing with the rest of my life.  I'm there right now...hanging in the balance of a lot of "not knowing".  I read this verse the other day:
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14
I'm pretty sure that God had David write this specifically for me. (nevermind the several thousand year delay in getting to the right person)  Notice how he repeats the phrase "wait for the LORD"?  Apparently some of us I need the extra emphasis.  So I'm trying this "being strong and taking heart" thing...I've been throwing up "help!" prayers several times an hour and I think it might be working a little.  The bitch level is definitely lower than usual but I'm still searching everywhere for a sign...something that will give me the answers I'm looking for.  In the meantime, I'll keep hurling my "help" prayers up to God and meditating on this verse until it is born in my spirit and burned on my soul.

What are you waiting for? Have you found help from any promises of God?  What is encouraging you during your wait?

Promise for the Day

Promise for day: Because of the Lord's great love we are NOT consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new EVERY morning; GREAT is your faithfulness!
Lamentations 3:22-23

Have you ever felt "consumed"?  It could be either by your overwhelming responsibilities or by a toxic relationship that seems to linger or just worries about things you can't control.  So many times for me it can be all three at once.  I have the added strike against my feelings because I fight against depression on a minute to minute basis.  But the truth is that our feelings are not reality.  God promises that we will NOT be consumed.  We can trust this because His compassions NEVER fail.  God is bigger than our feelings of overwhelm, worry and breaking points.  AND he renews his compassions for us each and every morning.  What a great way to start the day...put your feelings into a truth perspective.

What consumes you today?  I'd like you to share so I can pray for you today (and that is NOT a platitude).  Bathe yourself in this promise before you carry on any further!