November

Almost two years ago my husband and I felt deeply that God was calling us to downsize… specifically our house… and move back to San Diego even though we had only moved away from it 18 months before.  I had just remodeled my kitchen to an absolute dream for FREE (due to a terrible plumbing issue and a nice insurance company) and I loved being in the kitchen for probably the first time in my life.  It was calming, and I could see results for my work quickly compared to other things in life, like losing weight, raising children and growing out bangs.

All that to say, despite the big beautiful house, there were other things about our Orange County experience that were challenging.  We struggled to find a community.  The church where we finally landed was wonderful but still felt foreign in many ways.  Our older kids felt like strangers in this new house that didn’t have all the memories and friends they had grown up with.  We were financially strapped and constantly worrying about money.

We took a deep breath and a step back and told God, “ok”.  We sold our big house, a TON of furniture and stuff that would never fit in our new little bungalow and moved back to Chula Vista, the place our family calls home.

It turns out that God can see a bigger picture than we ever can.  Imagine that! 

A few months after downsizing, Larry was laid off from his executive position and we were left without an income.  We NEVER would have survived if we had been in our big, lovely Orange County house with its ginormous mortgage and no support system around us.  God knew what He was doing apparently.

We have definitely struggled through the last 18 months that we’ve been back.  Months of no income.  An old house that is constantly in need of repair.  Something breaking down almost every day.  But, in the midst of all the uncertainty, we have found little hidden treasures. 

• Our children are so at home here and they are thriving.  THIS is home.
• We found a local church that is in the business of being the hands and feet of Jesus to its community and investing in healing and redemption.
• We discovered new facets to our dreams and vision for our future.
• We were near again (in proximity) to extended family and old friends.
• We’ve had opportunities to use our gifts in new and exciting ways.
• Our backyard is home to many birds and butterflies
• We started our own consulting company… together!

So, while there are days when I think if one more thing in our house breaks down I will scream or I long for the day when I have a master bathroom sink that works, I KNOW this is where God has placed us. 

Last night when our son yanked us from our slumber because a pipe under our kitchen sink was spewing hot water all over the kitchen, I thought I was going to lose it.  This morning I awakened with a cloud of discouragement cloaking all the goodness of God.  And then I felt his prompting to write.  I headed to The Nest (our office space in the back yard) armed with my bulletproof coffee and began this post.  And once again I see that God knows what He is doing.  He has guided me, through this “exercise”, to change my perspective.  At least for the moment.  I know that I am prone to wander.  

But I’m thankful in this moment.  And this is what I need to be.

I’ll transform her dead ground into Eden, her moonscape into the garden of God, A place filled with exuberance and laughter, thankful voices and melodic songs.  -Isaiah 51:3 (The Message)

What are you thankful for today?

Who You Say We Are

My heart is breaking today.  One of our children is in crisis.  This child, through no fault of their own, struggles with the neurodevelopmental and behavioral effects of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder as well as co-occurring mental illnesses.  The inability to reason effectively or make wise choices has added drug abuse to the list of issues.

Today I cried out to God.  We love our child.  We want the absolute best and we will continue to advocate for our children even if we are rejected because in this case our child cannot advocate on their own.  This child was adopted into our family “No Matter What”.  That is how we operate.

This is my lifeline today.  I am clinging to its message and clinging to the truth that is we are not our diagnoses.  We are not what others may label us.  We are not our past.  Hallelujah, we (and our child) are who HE says we are.

Oh how great is the love
The Father has lavished on us
That we should be called The children of God
Oh how great was the cost
The Father was willing to pay
So we could be called the children of God

And all that we can say is thank you, Thank you
And all that we can say is thank you, Thank you

We are your sons
We are your daughters
Hallelujah, we are who You say we are
So we lift our hands
And cry Abba Father
Hallelujah, we are who You say we are
Hallelujah, we are who You say we are

Oh how great is your amazing grace
That took us as orphans and slaves
And made us your heirs, And gave us Your name
There's nothing more we could ever do
You finished it all on the cross
Then rose from the grave
And brought us with You

Written by Steven Chapman • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Coming Out of Hiding

I love the app “Time Hop”.  I enjoy pulling it up each morning and looking at the posts and photos from that same day throughout the last 7 or so years.  Occasionally they bring a tear to my eye but more often than not, I smile.  The memories are so precious… even the ones that hurt.

But something happened a couple days ago.  My “Time Hop” from a year ago abruptly went silent.  No posts.  No pictures.  No memories.  Just sudden stillness.  And I remembered.  My open book was slammed shut exactly one year ago.  For five days.  Five days in mental health facility.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

Don’t let anyone try to convince you that there is no such thing as post-adoption depression.  Or that dealing with a traumatized child will not in turn traumatize you as well.

Love alone does not conquer all.

But here’s what does:  Love with a heavy dose of Grace, Knowledge, Mindfulness and Eff-ing Hard Work.  And God.

Last September I reached the limits of my own strength.  I could no longer “pull myself up by my bootstraps.”  In fact, I didn’t even want to. I've had such dark moments of doubt that I've questioned whether I could ever believe again.

I had a small child in my home that did not speak.  Not English.  Not Mandarin.  Not Cantonese.  No words except those spoken as an echo.  He also did not cry.  Not when he hurt himself.  Not when he was sad.  No.  He did not speak.  He did not cry. 

He screamed.

All the time.

He was terrified, distressed, fighting for survival.  For him every moment was fight, flight or freeze.  All too often it was fight.  Pulling out fist full after fist full of my hair.  Spitting in my face.  Scratching me.  Biting me.  Kicking me.  Head butting me.  Hitting me.

For hours at a time. 

It seemed that nothing could calm this poor child.  And as odd as it sounds, while I was the recipient of all the rage, I was also the recipient of all of his need and attention.  I could not leave him for a moment.  He clung to me incessantly.  Always touching me, grabbing me, pulling me.  He would not let me speak to anyone else… not my husband, my children, my friends without first doing everything he could to distract me and then, if that failed, yanking my head toward him and screaming at the top of his lungs so I couldn’t hear the other person.

I knew this was the effect of trauma.  I knew he was in terrible pain.  I knew that every woman who had ever been in charge of his care had abandoned him.  I knew that he had been abused.  I knew that he had spent the majority of his life fighting to live.

I also was quite aware that I had willingly signed up for this.  This did not make it any easier.

I hid.  Or I escaped.  As often as I could.  I began to either recoil or burst into tears at the mere touch of another person.  A simple hand on my arm could send me into uncontrollable sobbing or on the other extreme, feel as if I had been burned.  I began to isolate myself.  From everyone.  I was embarrassed.  I was scared.  I was lonely.  I was hurting.  I was, in my eyes, the Queen of Inadequacy.  And I was failing at everything.

So… how did all this change?  How did I get to today?

1.     I got help.  Counseling.  Treatment.  Support.  With people who were trauma-informed. (VERY important)

2.     I was given grace by those who loved me and cared for me.

3.     I learned.  I studied.  I educated myself on the effects of trauma on children and the residual effects on those who care for them.  I found resources and was able to equip myself with the tools I needed to navigate this time of healing for both me and for my son.

4.     I stopped hiding.

I’m still learning.  I’m still working hard.  This is not easy.  But as Glennon Doyle Melton says, “We can do hard things.” (http://www.momastery.com) I believe it.

Resources:

http://empoweredtoconnect.org

Anything written or developed by Dr. Karyn Purvis (Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development)

http://drdansiegel.com

People of the Second Chance http://www.potsc.org

http://www.biblegateway.com

http://www.parentingadopteescantrust.com

In The Moment

I have made a conscious decision to be "in the moment" this Christmas season... to let go of what doesn't matter and cling to those eternal moments that seem to exist outside of time.  Even with our trip to Ch*na coming up so quickly, I have had a strange calm resting within me.  Now, I haven't been 100% successful at this goal but those times when I embrace what is and fully enter into the "now" have reaped many blessings that I could not have anticipated.

Today Larry, Madeleine and I headed out to Ocean Beach.

We walked along Voltaire looking through the windows of the little shops and perusing the menus posted outside each little cafe until we found a new and different place to eat.  After a wonderful Japanese lunch we headed out to the pier soaking in the sun, breathing in the ocean air and laughing at Madeleine's impeccable sense of humor.

Some of you may be wondering about our trip... we are scheduled to leave the morning of Friday, January 10th.  Larry's mom will be staying with Isaac, Emma and Madeleine and Landen will be back up at UCLA.  My mom is traveling with us.  We will fly from San Diego to San Francisco, change planes and then fly to Seoul, Korea on Korean Air.  We will then change planes again and head on to Shanghai.  We will spend the night of 1/11/14 in Sh*nghai and then leave the next morning by bullet train for H*ngzhou, the capital of Benjamin Lilu's province.  On Monday morning, 1/13/14, we are scheduled to meet Benjamin Lilu and take him into our care.  We will finish out the week there as we wait for all of Ch*na's official paperwork to be completed.  We will then fly

from H*ngzhou to Gu*ngzhou where the U.S. consulate is located.  Benjamin will have a medical exam that is required for him to receive his visa into the U.S. and then we will complete all of the visa and immigration paperwork so that when we arrive in the U.S. he automatically becomes a citizen.  Our homecoming will be Friday evening on January 24, 2014.  I am praying that my resolve to fully experience each moment will continue throughout our trip despite jet lag, strange food in my tummy, home sickness etc.  Please continue to pray for us and for Benjamin that our souls will be prepared to recognize one another as family.

And They Ask Us Why...

You’d be surprised at the kind of questions adoptive parents get asked.  Everything from “Oh… is your husband Asian (…black…Hispanic)?” to “How much does it cost?” to “Do you have any of your “own” kids?” to “So, are you not able to conceive?”.  Yes, folks, people, total strangers, have asked about my fertility or lack thereof.   But the question I get most often is “Why?”.  Why are you adopting…when you already have kids or when you don’t have all the money or when you don’t have another bedroom?  Why did you choose China (instead of U.S., Africa, Eastern Europe etc.)?  So, for your reading pleasure I have decided to tackle those “why” questions head on. 

Little disclaimer:  Not every family who is adopting has the same answers to the “whys”.  These answers are unique to the Baldwin Brood and the particular adoption we are going through right now.  In addition, we are not trying to convince anyone or change anyone… this is just what is real and true for our family.

Why are you adopting when you already have so many kids (4 children currently)?

Side Bar:  With all the reality shows focusing on families like the Duggars or Jon and Kate +8, it comes as somewhat a surprise to me that 4 children are considered a large family…

The simple answer:  Because we believe God called us to.

The longer answer:  James 1:27 says that true religion to God is caring for the orphan and the widow in their distress.  God’s heart is for the fatherless and we want our hearts to break with the things that break God’s heart.  We believe that each of the children we have adopted (2 out of our current 4) were placed in our family for a specific reason… that God is redeeming the tragic circumstances that made them “orphans” and is inviting us to participate.  We believe in providence.

Why are you adopting when you don’t have all the money in hand?

The simple answer:  Because we believe God called us to.

The longer answer:  Because over and over we see evidence in scripture that God has a habit of not calling the equipped but equipping the called.  David did not have the stature, reputation, lineage or looks of a King but he is who God chose to lead his people.  Peter was a brash, outspoken fisherman who had a penchant for offending and yet God chose Peter to be the pillar of the church.  Scripture tells us again and again how in our weakness HE makes us strong.  That He uses the things of the foolish to confound the wise.  We do not know exactly why God called US to be Benjamin Lilu’s parents but we know that He did.  In spite of our weaknesses, our deficiencies and our lack of cash on hand.  And, you know what?  There is only one thing to be said:  WE did not do this.  GOD did this.  HE made this happen.  It was nothing we could have done ourselves.  We have been totally dependent on God opening each door, providing each financial blessing, bringing people who want to be a part of Benjamin’s story into our lives… from ALL OVER THE WORLD!  This boy is a true miracle.  And the credit goes solely to God, our/his Father.

Why are you adopting when you don’t have another bedroom to spare in your house? (The answer flows right into the answer of “Why China?”)

Short answer:  Because we believe God called us to.

Longer answer:  Benjamin Lilu has lived in an orphanage… an institution… for all but 6 months of his 6 years of life.  He has lived tightly sandwiched in the midst of a small band of orphans each night.  While here in America the youth dream of (and some insist on) having their own room, in China they can’t even fathom the concept of having their own bed, their own clothes, their own toys… their own ANYTHING!  NOTHING belongs to THEM.  They own nothing.  They belong to no one.  Even their names are chosen simply reflecting where they live and what year they entered the orphanage.  They are not TRULY “named”… named in the sense of being acknowledged as precious, longed for, cared for, advocated for, provided for, protected, loved, fed, comforted, healed… In our western sensibilities we have placed “space”, financial affluence and security, possessions, titles, prestige on the top of the list of our values.  God turns that upside down.  In his kingdom, the first shall be last.  And the last shall be first.  If you want to be great, you must be a servant.  Blessed are the poor in spirit.  Blessed are the meek.  Blessed are those who mourn.  God’s kingdom, to us, seems subversive… crazy at times.  And yet, once one realizes that they are indeed the poor, the meek, the ones who mourn… when they strip all the facades away… this kingdom is the one they can be a part of… not just to live there but as a son or daughter of the King with a full inheritance and overwhelming grace.  In light of God’s kingdom, the number of bedrooms we have in our house, or square footage in our house, or cup holders in our minivan, do NOT matter.  This little life that has burrowed its way into our hearts is what really matters.  No matter what.