This Mortal Life

Lately it seems death is all around... I suppose it's always been.  Maybe now it's just that it's getting closer.  I can feel the darkness bearing down on me and those I love.

Eternity has always been a difficult concept for me.  The idea of it sends me into a spiraling anxiety attack. Consequently, death is something that I have always pushed into the far recesses of my mind where I can bury it beneath everyday normal activities.  Safely tucked away where it can't hurt me. This only works during the day when I can keep my mind busy with the tyranny of the urgent.  At night, when all is quiet except my mind, it haunts me.

What if everything I believe about life and death and time is wrong?  What if death really is the end?  And even if everything I've built my faith upon is indeed true, then how exactly do I wrap my spirit around an unending story?

As death has crept into my circle I've realized that even when I question my convictions, I inevitably return to them and cling to them for strength, comfort and meaning. 

Teresa's mommy saying goodbye

Michelle and Chris Gennaro

In the past few months I have lost loved ones and watched loved ones who have lost.  I've seen a man in his late 90's pass peacefully into the next forever in the midst of a family who loves him and is proud to call him "D-D-Daddy".  I've convened with the hearts of past classmates pleading for the life of a true man of God and sat with silent tears as the news came that he was gone.  I've witnessed his wife, in the center of her pain, cling to the promises of God with a hope that transcends anything I know.  I've entered into the story of a little 6 year old girl... Teresa... an orphan from China... with no hope at all... live a new life, a full life with a forever family.  I followed intensely the process from her first call that there was a new heart available to her to her final moments in her parents arms.  I have fallen head first into the story of our son, Benjamin's, orphanage "sister"... Meisyn, a sweet seven year old dreamer who has compiled her "sand bucket list" of things she wants to do before her soul leaves this earth.  I have held my sweet friend, Heather, up to the skies as she learns to say goodbye to her son, Tyler... a boy who will never grow up.  And I have cried tears of empathy and fear for my own heart-sick son as I read the story from Mary Beth Chapman on the loss of her daughter, Maria.

Me with Heather and her sons, Tyler (left) and Ryan (right) not long after Tyler's diagnosis

Benjamin (center) and Meisyn (in pink) at their orphanage

This is all so broken.  This is not the way it should be.  My spirit cries out for those gone and those left behind.

There is one common thread that weaves itself through these moments of grief and it is Jesus Christ.  In each circumstance, ultimately the glory was His.  He made himself known in the deepest, darkest places.  There were glimmers of hope and glimpses of peace.  Even at the heart of my doubt, I clutch at these moments, grasping for an understanding that will probably never be fully realized here on this earth.  Many lives have been moved to deeper faith, courageous choices and a more realized recognition of redemption.  They are beacons to me.  They are pointing the way... to a place of which I am admittedly frightened but a place where we shall see Him as He is.

Faith vs. Fear

The past 24 hours have been, for me, a lesson in faith and in fear.  You see, I have a son half way around the world who has a very, very serious heart defect.  Actually heart defects (plural).  It is honestly a miracle that he is alive today.  I can not say what occurred but just know that in the last 24 hours I have been an emotional wreck, just wondering if he's alive and if he's ok. 

When we were in the adoption process for Madeleine my worries centered around her emotional well-being and comfort.  Was somebody cuddling her when she cried?  Did someone get up at night with her when she had a nightmare and speak reassuring words of peace to her heart?  Does she know what it is to be cared for?

With Benjamin, it's different.  With Benjamin I wonder if he's breathing.  What is his oxygen saturation level?  Was he able to eat enough today without having a "spell"? Is his little fighting heart still beating?

Last night when I was feeling the most overwhelmed with worry, I saw a post on Facebook posted by Kay Warren.  Kay Warren's son committed suicide on April 5th.  Since the news broke about Matthew, her son, I have followed along as Kay and her husband, Rick, have dealt publicly with this tragedy.  They have been posting consistently on Twitter and Facebook both words of encouragement and requests for prayer.  Yesterday's Facebook post by Kay was significantly longer than any of her other posts had been and dealt specifically with the issue of fear and honestly about what she is facing each day as she navigates the repercussions of her son's death. (I have reposted her status update below.)

Nights are hard for us - it's easy to forget all of God's powerful promises in the darkness. So wherever you are in the world at this moment - whether in bright sunshine, gray clouds or the cloudless hours of the night - God's Word to us is real....it's true...it's reliable....it is our HOPE. "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27 Pray this ...with me: Father, there are circumstances that are threatening my faith, my stability, my hope for healing, hope for better days. Your Word says that nothing is impossible with You - so I bring ________ to you right now - and I ask for You - the Impossibility-Defeating God of the Universe do what no one else can do. Release the prisoner. Heal the sick. Revive the depressed. Renew hope. Bring back the smile. Comfort the broken. Befriend the lonely. Sustain those in terrible physical pain. Hear our cries for mercy. Unleash those bound by forces beyond their ability to cope. Help us long for Heaven while living fully here and now. Open our hearts to all who grieve. I TRUST YOU. In Jesus' name - the name i love above all others - Amen."

Reading the words of this grieving mother brought to surface all the fear I have been wrestling with when it comes to Benjamin.  Her vulnerability helped to move my heart to the place where I could then pray that prayer along with her.

You see, I believe in God.  I believe he is sovereign.  What is hard for me is hearing from other Christians the exhortation to "not fear" because perfect love casts out fear, God has not given us a spirit of fear, God is in control, everything will be ok if I just trust God.  My spirit just wasn't buying it.  I've seen far too many feared possibilities become realities in my life and in the lives of those I love.  I want to trust God but the fact is that doesn't mean everything will be ok.  Shit Skubala happens.  It does. And telling myself that God is in control does not stop those things from happening.  So what do I do with that?  I refuse to bury my head in the sand and pretend that everything is alright.

What makes the difference to me is not the (although good-intentioned) suggestion that I just "not fear".  It is the underlying promise (not possibility; promise) that whatever happens...whatever happens, it will be for my good and His glory.  That is something I can hold on to when I'm wondering if my son will live.  Not that God will "make everything better" but that God will take the skubala and redeem it.  He doesn't promise sunshine and rainbows.  He does promise that he will cause all things to work together for my good. (Romans 8:28 ESV) And even though we might not catch a glimpse of that good while in the midst of the suffering, we can be "fully convinced that God is able to do what He has promised." (Romans 4:21 ESV) 

So today I am relying on the God of Joseph, who suffered much at the hands of men but God redeemed his adversities in order to save many lives.  I am relying on the God of Abraham, who in hope believed against hope that God would do what He promised.  I'm holding my fear up to my God, the God who redeems... the God who does what He promises... for my good and His glory.

Where is your faith/fear struggle today?  Is there a particular promise from God that helps you through those times of crisis?  Share it in the comments!

Change is in the air...

The reality of the troubling economy keeps hitting closer to home. As you probably already know, our economy is in the tank…no where is this more true than in the state of California. This past week our legislature passed a new budget which includes many cuts and many new taxes. Now… our church meets in a middle school where we had set up a special arrangement with the principal… our “rent” was covering their custodial supply budget each month (around $800). We had a fabulous relationship with both the principal and the custodian(who is a Christian). However, this week the school district administrators informed all the schools that they will be fully required to uphold all published rates starting March 1st. This is in an effort to help fund these schools who are losing some of their funding from the state. In our particular situation this would mean a 100-200 % increase in our monthly fees. (We have NOT been singled out… other churches are getting the same news).

The problem this creates for us is several fold. Our church is in an extremely low income section of San Diego county. Our membership’s giving can not sustain an increase in fees. In fact, my brother and his wife have not received a salary in almost a year. They have been surviving on special one time gifts (from outside sources) and credit cards. Our original plan was to start a fundraising “campaign” for this mission to National City. Now, with only two weeks before our rate increases exponentially we are faced with making rapid decisions.

Out of the various options, it looks like our best one is to convert to a “house church” model. So, yesterday Matt and Larry spoke with the congregation (which averages between 80-90 people) and told them the situation and the options with the house church option being the most feasible. We so appreciated your prayers. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Now we covet your prayers as we (RAPIDLY) move into implementation mode. This will be very stressful and we need wisdom.

As I've lived the worries associated with this shift for the last few days, I have been constantly reminded of our Isaac and God's providential hand in what seemed like a bleak outlook. I know from experience that God has his hand on us and our church.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer
in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled
to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

"Desert Song" by Hillsongs United

Soon End In Joy

Frankly, I needed to hear this tonight. As "Over the Rhine" would say... 'Lord, we need a new redemption song'. This was my gift tonight. Timing is everything. Many thanks to Charlie Lowell, Dan Haseltine, Matt Odmark, Stephen Mason.

Give to the wind your fear

Hope and be undismayed

God hears your sighs and counts your tears

God will lift up, He'll lift up your head

God will lift up, lift up your head

Leave to His sovereign sway

To choose and to command

Then shall we wandering on His way

Know how wise and how strong

How wise and how strong

How strong is His hand

Through waves and clouds and storms,

He gently clears the way

Wait 'cause in His time, so shall this night

Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

God will lift up your head

Soon end in joy

Sweetly Broken

Fear is a miserable companion. It begins in the pit of my stomach before my mind even registers it's existence. It cloaks itself in depression and sometimes anger. It insinuates itself into every response, masking it's true position as an idol in my heart with euphemisms like "worry" and "concern". The reality is that I have some major trust issues. The fact that I'm an oldest child should not justify my unwillingness to relinquish control but it's an excuse I often spout with just enough of a smile that I seem transparent and able to laugh at my own foibles.

Last night, our worship pastor, Ryan, slipped a song into the set that we hadn't rehearsed the night before. (We have Thursday night services during the summer.) It was the hymn (updated and accompanied by electric guitar, of course) "I Surrender All". Ummm. Yeah. Can we just skip that one?

Here's the thing. I don't want to. Surrender all, that is. It's too frightening for me, especially when what I see looks hopeless. I look at the fact that our house has been on the market for 9 months...that's right. NINE months... and it hasn't sold in a market where other houses are selling in just a few months. I mean, it's not like we're in Southern California where the market is tanking. Our house is gorgeous and in one of the best, most coveted developments in Granger and no. one. will. buy. it. Meanwhile, our family is apart 2-3 weeks out of each month while Larry travels to work. This puts serious strain on our family dynamics as we readjust every few days to different schedules and expectations. We also have one car. With brakes that need to be fixed. Then I find myself worried about arriving in San Diego and having nowhere to live. Or having to settle (something an oldest child absolutely hates to do). There is something in me that absolutely rebels against taking our children away from a beautiful home that they love and moving them into something less. I know it's shallow but it makes me sick (how's that for transparency?). Without selling this house we will not qualify for anything and even with selling our house, we qualify for very little (a result of a couple of very difficult years here in Granger). My fears start to compound and I am unable to see God working in any of this.

Now, I should make it quite clear that I know things could be so much worse. And you should know that Larry is an incredible father and husband and takes take of us in ways that I believe most men would not. Without his wisdom, the circumstances that blindsided and crippled us could have resulted in much more dire consequences. Because of him (and certainly not me because I have not the discipline nor the financial acumen) we have avoided bankruptcy, foreclosure, delinquencies, loss of medical care and much more. I know that God carried us through those times with a clarity that I wish I could hold onto for more than a brief moment.

So, returning to last night... we came out of communion singing "I Surrender All" and I was fighting it. My attempts to disengage started to erode somewhere around verse two:

All to Jesus I surrender
Humbly at His feet I bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

Slowly the layers of resolve began to peel away despite my best efforts to stayed pissed at God. The set was orchestrated to move from "I Surrender All" into "Sweetly Broken" (Jeremy Riddle) with me leading. By the time I hit the chorus I had to drop out. I broke. The tears streamed down my face as I was reminded anew that 'God is love and God is just.'

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

I was so beautifully brought into recognition of His sovereignty despite my willful distrust. I am praying this morning as the pit in my stomach takes up it's normal residency that Christ will invade my space moment by moment today. That He will reveal himself to me in ways that assault my selfish nature and infringe on my comfort. That He will continue to humble me and transform my yearnings until they align with His will. That His kingdom will come, His will be done in my heart and life as it is in heaven.