November

Almost two years ago my husband and I felt deeply that God was calling us to downsize… specifically our house… and move back to San Diego even though we had only moved away from it 18 months before.  I had just remodeled my kitchen to an absolute dream for FREE (due to a terrible plumbing issue and a nice insurance company) and I loved being in the kitchen for probably the first time in my life.  It was calming, and I could see results for my work quickly compared to other things in life, like losing weight, raising children and growing out bangs.

All that to say, despite the big beautiful house, there were other things about our Orange County experience that were challenging.  We struggled to find a community.  The church where we finally landed was wonderful but still felt foreign in many ways.  Our older kids felt like strangers in this new house that didn’t have all the memories and friends they had grown up with.  We were financially strapped and constantly worrying about money.

We took a deep breath and a step back and told God, “ok”.  We sold our big house, a TON of furniture and stuff that would never fit in our new little bungalow and moved back to Chula Vista, the place our family calls home.

It turns out that God can see a bigger picture than we ever can.  Imagine that! 

A few months after downsizing, Larry was laid off from his executive position and we were left without an income.  We NEVER would have survived if we had been in our big, lovely Orange County house with its ginormous mortgage and no support system around us.  God knew what He was doing apparently.

We have definitely struggled through the last 18 months that we’ve been back.  Months of no income.  An old house that is constantly in need of repair.  Something breaking down almost every day.  But, in the midst of all the uncertainty, we have found little hidden treasures. 

• Our children are so at home here and they are thriving.  THIS is home.
• We found a local church that is in the business of being the hands and feet of Jesus to its community and investing in healing and redemption.
• We discovered new facets to our dreams and vision for our future.
• We were near again (in proximity) to extended family and old friends.
• We’ve had opportunities to use our gifts in new and exciting ways.
• Our backyard is home to many birds and butterflies
• We started our own consulting company… together!

So, while there are days when I think if one more thing in our house breaks down I will scream or I long for the day when I have a master bathroom sink that works, I KNOW this is where God has placed us. 

Last night when our son yanked us from our slumber because a pipe under our kitchen sink was spewing hot water all over the kitchen, I thought I was going to lose it.  This morning I awakened with a cloud of discouragement cloaking all the goodness of God.  And then I felt his prompting to write.  I headed to The Nest (our office space in the back yard) armed with my bulletproof coffee and began this post.  And once again I see that God knows what He is doing.  He has guided me, through this “exercise”, to change my perspective.  At least for the moment.  I know that I am prone to wander.  

But I’m thankful in this moment.  And this is what I need to be.

I’ll transform her dead ground into Eden, her moonscape into the garden of God, A place filled with exuberance and laughter, thankful voices and melodic songs.  -Isaiah 51:3 (The Message)

What are you thankful for today?

Long and Winding Road

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

― Theodore Roosevelt, Strenuous Life

“Sit down before fact as a little child, be prepared to give up every preconceived notion, follow humbly wherever and to whatever abysses nature leads, or you shall learn nothing. I have only begun to learn content and peace of mind since I have resolved at all risks to do this.”

― Thomas Henry Huxley, Life and Letters of Thomas Henry Huxley - Volume 1

“When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.”

― Patrick Overton, The leaning tree: [poems]

Big changes are coming for the Baldwin Bungalow.  Larry recently was hired by Molina Healthcare which is located in Long Beach.  Our San Diego house goes on the market today and we’ve begun to look for a new home in Orange County.  There is the understandable mixture of trepidation and anticipation. 

One of the things I have always loved about our family is that we love adventure.  And by adventure I don’t mean the thrill-seeking type… roller coasters, rock climbing, sky diving.  I mean the kind of adventure that changes your story.

God has proven to be faithful time after time and we know that this will be another opportunity for us to learn to trust Him and revel in our place in the grander story.

Please keep us in prayer through this transition.  Especially for the kids. 

The plan is for Emma to finish her junior year here in San Diego.  She started school in July and is well into her FOUR AP classes.  Not all AP courses are offered at every school and we don’t want to waste the time she has already devoted to these classes.  In addition, this is a big year for her competitive show choir as they are traveling to London in the spring.

For Madeleine and Benjamin this will all happen right away and we want to make sure we support, encourage and teach them in a way that will build character and not tear down spirits.

Isaac is living in Escondido with some young seminary students and working full time and it will definitely be hard on us as parents to be that far away from him.  Pray for wisdom for him as he ventures into adulthood and takes on new responsibilities and possibilities.

We will be closer to Landen!  We are very excited about the opportunity to be present for more of his productions and see him graduate next year!

So, the ride takes another twist and turn.  Hold on, Baldwins!  Here we go!

Special Letter to Family and Friends (re-post)

(Re-posted)  
Very soon we’ll be bringing Benjamin Lilu home and starting the process of becoming a new and larger family.  This is an exciting and scary time for us – and will probably be especially frightening for Benjamin.  In his short life, he’s gone through more changes and life-altering experiences than most adults could handle.  He’s experienced the loss of a birth mother, experienced the loss of his second “home” in the midst of a health crisis, and will soon experience the loss of familiar caretakers, and the sights, sounds, smells, and language of his birth country.  His entire world will be turned upside down; he will be disoriented and confused.  He will have no reason to trust us – no way to know that we are safe, that he is secure in our care, and that we will meet his needs.

This process of learning to trust us, to bond and attach with our family, may take weeks, months, or years.  We expect it to get easier over time, but things are going to be a little strange at first and we ask that you please understand and support our attachment plan.  It is not our intention to shut anyone out of our lives or offend any friends in this process.  But Benjamin will need us to have certain boundaries in place to develop a strong and healthy attachment to us.

It will help immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal physical contact with our son.  For awhile, this includes things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing.  Children from orphanages are prone to “attach” to anyone and everyone – which disrupts his ability to attach to us.  Waving, blowing kisses, or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcome!  We want Benjamin to know our family and friends – and interact with them!

Benjamin had a mother care for him for several months, and then relied on a stream of different adults for almost 6 years to meet his needs.  He’s learned to compete for the attention of every adult for basic things like food, clothing, comfort…  Charming any available adult becomes a survival technique.  While it works in an orphanage, it’s dangerous in our world.  It’s not safe for Benjamin to ask random strangers for a hug; in order to learn healthy, appropriate boundaries, he needs to begin by learning that we are the two people responsible for meeting his needs.  For a time, we will be the only ones to give him food, water, comfort him, take him to the restroom and so on.  If he asks you for something – please ask us.  For awhile it may look like we’re spoiling him – but he needs to understand what role we play in his life and he needs to know we are dependable and constant.

Also understand that our very busy, very active family – will be dramatically limiting our activities and events for awhile.  Local friends – you probably won’t see us at every field trip, every club meeting, every birthday party – at least for a little bit.  Large or small gatherings, parties, events will not be a priority in the beginning – but it’s not permanent, and it’s not personal.  At this point, we don’t know entirely what degree of medical treatment and therapy we may be facing with him, too.  We will be tired, busy tending to him and learning about him, forming emotional bonds, and getting through our days one day at a time.  We are eager to introduce him to everybody – but it may not be for a little while.  With one exception!  If you would like to be part of our welcoming committee at the airport, we would LOVE to see you!


The lives of each member of our family will be topsy-turvy for awhile, and we ask for your understanding as we navigate this new world.  We are obviously far from experts in this, but doing what we believe to be best for Benjamin.  We look forward to introducing him in person to so many of our friends and family, and hope you understand why some of our parenting decisions will look as they do with him.

Here’s an interesting analogy of what adoption looks like to an internationally adopted child:
http://benjaminandholly.blogspot.com/2009/04/attachment-analogy.html

And another great illustration of what adopted children go through:
http://shaungroves.com/2011/01/the-list/

And They Ask Us Why...

You’d be surprised at the kind of questions adoptive parents get asked.  Everything from “Oh… is your husband Asian (…black…Hispanic)?” to “How much does it cost?” to “Do you have any of your “own” kids?” to “So, are you not able to conceive?”.  Yes, folks, people, total strangers, have asked about my fertility or lack thereof.   But the question I get most often is “Why?”.  Why are you adopting…when you already have kids or when you don’t have all the money or when you don’t have another bedroom?  Why did you choose China (instead of U.S., Africa, Eastern Europe etc.)?  So, for your reading pleasure I have decided to tackle those “why” questions head on. 

Little disclaimer:  Not every family who is adopting has the same answers to the “whys”.  These answers are unique to the Baldwin Brood and the particular adoption we are going through right now.  In addition, we are not trying to convince anyone or change anyone… this is just what is real and true for our family.

Why are you adopting when you already have so many kids (4 children currently)?

Side Bar:  With all the reality shows focusing on families like the Duggars or Jon and Kate +8, it comes as somewhat a surprise to me that 4 children are considered a large family…

The simple answer:  Because we believe God called us to.

The longer answer:  James 1:27 says that true religion to God is caring for the orphan and the widow in their distress.  God’s heart is for the fatherless and we want our hearts to break with the things that break God’s heart.  We believe that each of the children we have adopted (2 out of our current 4) were placed in our family for a specific reason… that God is redeeming the tragic circumstances that made them “orphans” and is inviting us to participate.  We believe in providence.

Why are you adopting when you don’t have all the money in hand?

The simple answer:  Because we believe God called us to.

The longer answer:  Because over and over we see evidence in scripture that God has a habit of not calling the equipped but equipping the called.  David did not have the stature, reputation, lineage or looks of a King but he is who God chose to lead his people.  Peter was a brash, outspoken fisherman who had a penchant for offending and yet God chose Peter to be the pillar of the church.  Scripture tells us again and again how in our weakness HE makes us strong.  That He uses the things of the foolish to confound the wise.  We do not know exactly why God called US to be Benjamin Lilu’s parents but we know that He did.  In spite of our weaknesses, our deficiencies and our lack of cash on hand.  And, you know what?  There is only one thing to be said:  WE did not do this.  GOD did this.  HE made this happen.  It was nothing we could have done ourselves.  We have been totally dependent on God opening each door, providing each financial blessing, bringing people who want to be a part of Benjamin’s story into our lives… from ALL OVER THE WORLD!  This boy is a true miracle.  And the credit goes solely to God, our/his Father.

Why are you adopting when you don’t have another bedroom to spare in your house? (The answer flows right into the answer of “Why China?”)

Short answer:  Because we believe God called us to.

Longer answer:  Benjamin Lilu has lived in an orphanage… an institution… for all but 6 months of his 6 years of life.  He has lived tightly sandwiched in the midst of a small band of orphans each night.  While here in America the youth dream of (and some insist on) having their own room, in China they can’t even fathom the concept of having their own bed, their own clothes, their own toys… their own ANYTHING!  NOTHING belongs to THEM.  They own nothing.  They belong to no one.  Even their names are chosen simply reflecting where they live and what year they entered the orphanage.  They are not TRULY “named”… named in the sense of being acknowledged as precious, longed for, cared for, advocated for, provided for, protected, loved, fed, comforted, healed… In our western sensibilities we have placed “space”, financial affluence and security, possessions, titles, prestige on the top of the list of our values.  God turns that upside down.  In his kingdom, the first shall be last.  And the last shall be first.  If you want to be great, you must be a servant.  Blessed are the poor in spirit.  Blessed are the meek.  Blessed are those who mourn.  God’s kingdom, to us, seems subversive… crazy at times.  And yet, once one realizes that they are indeed the poor, the meek, the ones who mourn… when they strip all the facades away… this kingdom is the one they can be a part of… not just to live there but as a son or daughter of the King with a full inheritance and overwhelming grace.  In light of God’s kingdom, the number of bedrooms we have in our house, or square footage in our house, or cup holders in our minivan, do NOT matter.  This little life that has burrowed its way into our hearts is what really matters.  No matter what.

Moving Forward or Moving On

Right now I am at a stage where I'm waiting for answers.  Mostly I want answers so I can move forward or move on.  The problem comes when I start contemplating the option of moving on instead of forward.  What would that look like?  And I come up with no response.  I don't have an option B in many cases.  So do I start planning my life as if I need to move on and create a Plan B?  The fact is that I'm scared to think about moving on.  It's too ambiguous.  I'm clinging to Jeremiah 29:11 and preaching it's truth to myself over and over.  I have to.  Because the minute I lose sight of the fact that God has a plan for me (one with a hope and a future) I lose it...energy, peace, joy... I must preach this to myself and in the next second, preach it again.

What do you do when you're waiting for answers?  What are some of your coping mechanisms or truths from scripture that help sustain you?

New Venture-Homeschooling!

Yes, it's true. I will be entering into the elite club of those parents who homeschool. Although technically, I suppose I'm cheating a little. The kids (Emma and Isaac) are going to be attending a virtual academy so I'm not doing the traditional homeschool route. Still I'm a little trepidatious going into it.

Which brings me to blogging... it's about time I started up again! Expect to hear my worries, woes and wisdom from homeschooling my two middle children, books I've read, books I want to read, books I want to write, theatre, music and life in general at the Baldwin Bungalow.

Mommy Bragging Rights

I am so proud of my kiddos this week.

In just the last couple of days:

• Landen got his California High School Exit Exam scores (kids take it every year starting as sophomores until they pass it and must pass to graduate) and he got PERFECT SCORES on it... as a sophomore!!!
• Isaac's baseball team (he's playing for Park View Little League Yankees) was the 1st seed in the championship playoffs and has won every game so now goes to the championship on Saturday!!! Whoo-hoo!
• Emma came home with the most amazing report card ever and a invitation to be a part of GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) next year!
• Maddie, mommy's baby... graduated from kindergarten!!!!! What a big girl! She is reading voraciously, tying her shoes all by herself and just has a heart that is full of love for others...I couldn't be prouder.

Thank you for indulging my mommy moment! Please...I'd love to hear YOURS! Post them below in the comments!!!

Hmmm...

Today is clearly a "Mommy's-too-tired-to-choose-to-battle-over-what-you're-wearing" day...

A Little Late...

Well, we've always had good intentions for starting family devotions and somehow every time we tried it fizzled... usually because of schedules, boring/cheesy material or just lack of discipline. We are trying again (pray for us!).

When I discovered the book that we are using for our women's Bible Study, I noticed that the author had also created a dinner devotion book for families. Because I admire her adult material and I feel confident with her theology, I decided to order it.

In the week or so that we've been using it, it has gone pretty well. Only a few groans and sighs when we pull it out. They are fairly brief which works for us although I have noticed that it sometimes tend to be a little over Maddie's head (just turned 6 years old). I've found that we can usually have one of the other kids explain it in their words to her and I think that's a GOOD thing!

Do you use family devotions in your home? If so, what material do you use? Or do you simply read through scripture? If so, do you have a method to what you choose to read?

Re-entering the Real World (and the blogosphere)

Yes, it's true. I'm back... not that I think anyone is actually reading this or was waiting with bated breath for my next blog entry but, well... here I am. In addition to returning to my blog, I find myself after four straight months of performing, plus rehearsal time, returning to the life of full-time mom and out-of-work actress.

My show, "Joyful Noise", just closed last Sunday and I have to say that it was one of the most emotionally difficult closings I have ever experienced. I think in part because everyone else in the cast was moving on to their next project while I do not have anything "lined up". I also believe it's because I'm feeling particularly vulnerable in my abilities as a mom. Also, coinciding with my return to full time family chauffeur, Larry is traveling Monday thru Thursday this week. And believe me, that leaves a HUGE hole for me to fill.

Nevertheless, I plug ahead. I started a new devotional, "The One Year Book of Hope", to help keep me on track as well as a women's Bible Study on Hebrews, "Hoping for Something Better". I know that in order to be the mom I need to be, I need to be growing spiritually.

I also revamped our "chore" routine. Today I worked on our pegboard and also added a daily rotation list for 6 chores that will rotate between the three older kids. For the ones that don't rotate, I use the PEGS system, an invaluable tool I picked up at a Hearts at Home conference a few years back. I'm hoping this will help add some order back into a house that has been flying by the seat of its pants since we moved in back June!

That's the update for now!

Tell me... what do YOU do when your routine needs a kick in the pants???

Loving My New Camera

Larry gave me a Canon Rebel for my birthday... I am having the best time playing with it.

Three Years Ago. Today.

On the other side of the world a scared,skinny little girl dressed in two layers of clothing and hugging a large stuffed pig was placed in the arms of two nervous strangers. Today they are a family. Our Madeleine Yan is a blessing we never dreamed of. I can't believe it's been three years!

She has settled into being the "baby" of the family while still retaining some of the "oldest child" tendencies she brought with her into our family. She is outgoing, inquisitive and imaginative and I can't imagine our lives without her.

For more information about adoption see How To Adopt or leave me a comment!

God Doesn't Sleep

Maddie: Mommy, is God asleep right now?

Mommy: No... the amazing thing about God is that he never sleeps.

Maddie ponders this for a moment then: He is going to be so grouchy!

Halloween is here again...

Yes. It's true. I know you have all been waiting. Holding your breath. It's the Annual Baldwin Family Halloween Photos! Wheeeee! Unfortunately, our scanner has some issues... sorry for the smears...