This Mortal Life

Lately it seems death is all around... I suppose it's always been.  Maybe now it's just that it's getting closer.  I can feel the darkness bearing down on me and those I love.

Eternity has always been a difficult concept for me.  The idea of it sends me into a spiraling anxiety attack. Consequently, death is something that I have always pushed into the far recesses of my mind where I can bury it beneath everyday normal activities.  Safely tucked away where it can't hurt me. This only works during the day when I can keep my mind busy with the tyranny of the urgent.  At night, when all is quiet except my mind, it haunts me.

What if everything I believe about life and death and time is wrong?  What if death really is the end?  And even if everything I've built my faith upon is indeed true, then how exactly do I wrap my spirit around an unending story?

As death has crept into my circle I've realized that even when I question my convictions, I inevitably return to them and cling to them for strength, comfort and meaning. 

Teresa's mommy saying goodbye

Michelle and Chris Gennaro

In the past few months I have lost loved ones and watched loved ones who have lost.  I've seen a man in his late 90's pass peacefully into the next forever in the midst of a family who loves him and is proud to call him "D-D-Daddy".  I've convened with the hearts of past classmates pleading for the life of a true man of God and sat with silent tears as the news came that he was gone.  I've witnessed his wife, in the center of her pain, cling to the promises of God with a hope that transcends anything I know.  I've entered into the story of a little 6 year old girl... Teresa... an orphan from China... with no hope at all... live a new life, a full life with a forever family.  I followed intensely the process from her first call that there was a new heart available to her to her final moments in her parents arms.  I have fallen head first into the story of our son, Benjamin's, orphanage "sister"... Meisyn, a sweet seven year old dreamer who has compiled her "sand bucket list" of things she wants to do before her soul leaves this earth.  I have held my sweet friend, Heather, up to the skies as she learns to say goodbye to her son, Tyler... a boy who will never grow up.  And I have cried tears of empathy and fear for my own heart-sick son as I read the story from Mary Beth Chapman on the loss of her daughter, Maria.

Me with Heather and her sons, Tyler (left) and Ryan (right) not long after Tyler's diagnosis

Benjamin (center) and Meisyn (in pink) at their orphanage

This is all so broken.  This is not the way it should be.  My spirit cries out for those gone and those left behind.

There is one common thread that weaves itself through these moments of grief and it is Jesus Christ.  In each circumstance, ultimately the glory was His.  He made himself known in the deepest, darkest places.  There were glimmers of hope and glimpses of peace.  Even at the heart of my doubt, I clutch at these moments, grasping for an understanding that will probably never be fully realized here on this earth.  Many lives have been moved to deeper faith, courageous choices and a more realized recognition of redemption.  They are beacons to me.  They are pointing the way... to a place of which I am admittedly frightened but a place where we shall see Him as He is.

Moving Forward or Moving On

Right now I am at a stage where I'm waiting for answers.  Mostly I want answers so I can move forward or move on.  The problem comes when I start contemplating the option of moving on instead of forward.  What would that look like?  And I come up with no response.  I don't have an option B in many cases.  So do I start planning my life as if I need to move on and create a Plan B?  The fact is that I'm scared to think about moving on.  It's too ambiguous.  I'm clinging to Jeremiah 29:11 and preaching it's truth to myself over and over.  I have to.  Because the minute I lose sight of the fact that God has a plan for me (one with a hope and a future) I lose it...energy, peace, joy... I must preach this to myself and in the next second, preach it again.

What do you do when you're waiting for answers?  What are some of your coping mechanisms or truths from scripture that help sustain you?

Change is in the air...

The reality of the troubling economy keeps hitting closer to home. As you probably already know, our economy is in the tank…no where is this more true than in the state of California. This past week our legislature passed a new budget which includes many cuts and many new taxes. Now… our church meets in a middle school where we had set up a special arrangement with the principal… our “rent” was covering their custodial supply budget each month (around $800). We had a fabulous relationship with both the principal and the custodian(who is a Christian). However, this week the school district administrators informed all the schools that they will be fully required to uphold all published rates starting March 1st. This is in an effort to help fund these schools who are losing some of their funding from the state. In our particular situation this would mean a 100-200 % increase in our monthly fees. (We have NOT been singled out… other churches are getting the same news).

The problem this creates for us is several fold. Our church is in an extremely low income section of San Diego county. Our membership’s giving can not sustain an increase in fees. In fact, my brother and his wife have not received a salary in almost a year. They have been surviving on special one time gifts (from outside sources) and credit cards. Our original plan was to start a fundraising “campaign” for this mission to National City. Now, with only two weeks before our rate increases exponentially we are faced with making rapid decisions.

Out of the various options, it looks like our best one is to convert to a “house church” model. So, yesterday Matt and Larry spoke with the congregation (which averages between 80-90 people) and told them the situation and the options with the house church option being the most feasible. We so appreciated your prayers. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Now we covet your prayers as we (RAPIDLY) move into implementation mode. This will be very stressful and we need wisdom.

As I've lived the worries associated with this shift for the last few days, I have been constantly reminded of our Isaac and God's providential hand in what seemed like a bleak outlook. I know from experience that God has his hand on us and our church.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer
in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled
to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

"Desert Song" by Hillsongs United

Shameless (but hope-full) Plug

The Hope Box

“Do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother… Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart” (Deuteronomy 15:7-11).

Several years ago a few women and I went through a study called "Compassion By Command", a faith-based curriculum designed to mobilize Christians to reach out to the poor. The study takes participants deep into Scripture to better understand God’s heart for the poor and the responsibility that Christians have in helping those in poverty. At the end of the study, they challenge you to come up with your own "project" to reach out to those in poverty. In the midst of our brainstorming, one of the ideas we came up with was a box for people to keep in their cars with items for the homeless people we often encounter at stoplights here in San Diego. The idea didn't take off at the time but... fast forward to the Baldwin kids' fall intercession.

Three weeks of no school when most other schools are in session. Time to kill and time to fill. I told the kids about the original idea and they kind of took off with it. My brother, Matt, who is our pastor, often says, "You don't need a church program to love your neighbor". Well, we decided to just go for it, create a box and provide empty boxes to others at church so that they could do the same thing. We created a list of practical items to which homeless people often don't have access. We made trips to the 99 Cent Store and Big Lots and stocked up on items plus a few empty plastic containers. Emma dubbed the project, "Hope Box". They were excited about putting our Hope Box together and it was fun to browse the aisles deciding what to include and explaining why to the kids.

To prepare for introducing our Hope Boxes, we printed up a list with suggested items and taped them onto the inside of each plastic container. We then drew up a "pledge" that we wanted people to sign when they picked up their empty boxes. The pledge read:

I pledge to, through the Hope Box Project, participate in redeeming my city for God. By helping to practically provide for those who are in need, I pray God will use me as an instrument of healing and as a window to the gospel. I will not use this opportunity to build my pride or feel superior but will recognize my need and my poverty and choose to identify with and fellowship with those who live and breathe financial poverty. I will use the interactions with those in need as an opportunity to move beyond “doing a good deed” into building relationships. I pledge to replenish my Hope Box when it is empty, to speak with love and act with compassion.

We introduced the Hope Box last week. We are hoping that people will return with stories... stories of hope, stories of changes (especially changes in the hearts of those serving) and stories of the Gospel in action.

I encourage you to come up with your own ideas. Share them here! I want to hear all about them.

* Here is our suggested list of items (but by no means all inclusive):

Water Bottles
Band-Aids
Gloves
Tarps
Ponchos
Neosporin
Sunscreen
Beef jerky
Trail mix
Deodorant
Wipes
Tissues
Travel Toothbrushes w/ toothpaste
Flashlights/Batteries
Granola Bars
Feminine Hygiene Products

Our little spring discovery...

We have three very new, very naked, very tiny friends under our deck...

Mama was close by keeping watch over her babies while we checked them out. We are very excited about watching them grow over the next few weeks!

Wordless Wednesday

Ain't No Reason...

This is a must watch...all the way to the end.

Ash Wednesday

Tonight I attended and participated in my first Ash Wednesday service...ever. The service was beautiful. I am reminded of how broken I am and yet how merciful He is. "I'm forgiven because you were forsaken. You are my King."

Most holy and merciful Father: We confess to you and to one another, and to the whole communion of saints in heaven and on earth, that we have sinned by our own fault in thought, word, and deed; by what we have done, and by what we have left undone.

We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven others, as we have been forgiven.
Have mercy on us, Lord.

We have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us. We have not been true to the mind of Christ. We have grieved your Holy Spirit.
Have mercy on us, Lord.

We confess to you, Lord, all our past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of our lives,
We confess to you, Lord.

Our self-indulgent appetites and ways, and our exploitation of other people,
We confess to you, Lord.

Our anger at our own frustration, and our envy of those more fortunate than 0urselves,
We confess to you, Lord.

Our intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and our dishonesty in daily life and work,
We confess to you, Lord.

Our negligence in prayer and worship, and our failure to commend the faith that is in us,
We confess to you, Lord.

Accept our repentance, Lord, for the wrongs we have done: for our blindness to human need and suffering, and our indifference to injustice and cruelty,
Accept our repentance, Lord.

For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward our neighbors, and for our prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from us,
Accept our repentance, Lord.

For our waste and pollution of your creation, and our lack of concern for those who come after us,
Accept our repentance, Lord.

Restore us, good Lord, and let your anger depart from us;
Favorably hear us, for your mercy is great.

Accomplish in us the work of your salvation,
That we may show forth your glory in the world.

By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord,
Bring us with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.

Now, let us rise and stand in the joy of God’s forgiveness

.

What the world needs now is...

hope.

At times I am overwhelmed by the despair I see. On the evening news, in the face of the checker at Walmart, on the tiny faces on the Waiting Child lists, in the mirror... It is crippling. A sickness that is enveloping a world meant to reflect the glory of God. A world in need of a gospel...a gospel of hope. I forget my place in bringing His kingdom on earth and participating in redemption and I am lost once again.

This morning while checking my morning feeds I had a glimpse of hope. Thank you, Jen (Lemen). No matter what your politics, no one can argue that we don't need it... hope.