Re-entering the Real World (and the blogosphere)

Yes, it's true. I'm back... not that I think anyone is actually reading this or was waiting with bated breath for my next blog entry but, well... here I am. In addition to returning to my blog, I find myself after four straight months of performing, plus rehearsal time, returning to the life of full-time mom and out-of-work actress.

My show, "Joyful Noise", just closed last Sunday and I have to say that it was one of the most emotionally difficult closings I have ever experienced. I think in part because everyone else in the cast was moving on to their next project while I do not have anything "lined up". I also believe it's because I'm feeling particularly vulnerable in my abilities as a mom. Also, coinciding with my return to full time family chauffeur, Larry is traveling Monday thru Thursday this week. And believe me, that leaves a HUGE hole for me to fill.

Nevertheless, I plug ahead. I started a new devotional, "The One Year Book of Hope", to help keep me on track as well as a women's Bible Study on Hebrews, "Hoping for Something Better". I know that in order to be the mom I need to be, I need to be growing spiritually.

I also revamped our "chore" routine. Today I worked on our pegboard and also added a daily rotation list for 6 chores that will rotate between the three older kids. For the ones that don't rotate, I use the PEGS system, an invaluable tool I picked up at a Hearts at Home conference a few years back. I'm hoping this will help add some order back into a house that has been flying by the seat of its pants since we moved in back June!

That's the update for now!

Tell me... what do YOU do when your routine needs a kick in the pants???

It Was A Dark and Stormy Night...

and so begins "A Wrinkle in Time" by my favorite author of all time, Madeleine L'Engle.

My soul is bruised and sad today. I found out this morning that Madeleine L'Engle has passed into the "Ring of Endless Light" and somehow I feel she is regaling our Savior with her stories as she walks with him today.

Words are Delicious!

Quote:

"Tact was a quality unknown to her, discretion too, and because gossip was the breath of life to her this stranger must be served for her dissection."

From "Rebecca" by Daphne Du Maurier (recommended years ago by Vanda Eggington and I'm just now getting to it!)

Quote

"One of the worst things about being a parent, for me, is the self-discovery, the being face to face with one's secret insanity and brokenness and rage."

-Anne Lamott, "Operating Instructions"

Quote:

"We all long for someone with whom we are able to share our peculiar burdens of being alive."

----Salley Vickers in her novel "the other side of you"

Is Anybody Out There?

I'm in the depths of blogger insecurity and I need your help! I need some assurance...some affirmation...some sign of life out there!!!!! Does anyone read this?

We need a blog roll call! Comment...leave your name, link to your blog (if you have one), tell me what was on your last Netflix (or Blockbuster) queue! Anything!!!

Nineteen Minutes in Real Life

If any of you read my blog a few days ago about "Nineteen Minutes", the new novel by Jodi Picoult, you will understand why this tragedy at Virgina Tech is just blowing my mind today.

Please keep the families and wounded in your prayers.

Nineteen Minutes

Some of you know that I am a voracious reader. I read everything I can get my hands on...except for bad "Christian" fiction...ok...well...sometimes even that (when I need something that will numb my brain enough for me to fall asleep at night).

I will try to be faithful to updating my "what I'm reading" list which you can find on the right-hand side of my blog site. You might notice that my fiction titles change more frequently than my non-fiction titles. This is simply because I will devour fiction books...my form of an eating disorder...my escape, sanctuary, alone time. It's been this way since I hid myself away as a child, pre-teen and teenager in the imaginary worlds of Mrs. Piggle-wiggle, Encyclopedia Brown, then Narnia, then anything by Madeleine L'engle, Judy Blume (who didn't hide Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret or Forever or Deenie under your pillows so mom wouldn't find out you were reading about s-e-x?), and a short foray into Danielle Steele and Jackie Collins (just to see what the fuss was all about...verdict: not worth the fuss...therefore, no links!). With non-fiction, I tend to chew longer, only swallowing after I've tasted each idea and decided whether to spit it out or ingest it.

Right now I am in the midst of "Nineteen Minutes", the new novel by Jodi Picoult (prounounced "pee-ko"). Here is a brief synopsis:

"In this emotionally charged novel, Jodi Picoult delves beneath the surface of a small town to explore what it means to be different in our society.
In Sterling, New Hampshire, 17-year-old high school student Peter Houghton has endured years of verbal and physical abuse at the hands of classmates. His best friend, Josie Cormier, succumbed to peer pressure and now hangs out with the popular crowd that often instigates the harassment. One final incident of bullying sends Peter over the edge and leads him to commit an act of violence that forever changes the lives of Sterling’s residents.
Even those who were not inside the school that morning find their lives in an upheaval, including Alex Cormier. The superior court judge assigned to the Houghton case, Alex—whose daughter, Josie, witnessed the events that unfolded—must decide whether or not to step down. She’s torn between presiding over the biggest case of her career and knowing that doing so will cause an even wider chasm in her relationship with her emotionally fragile daughter. Josie, meanwhile, claims she can’t remember what happened in the last fatal minutes of Peter’s rampage. Or can she? And Peter’s parents, Lacy and Lewis Houghton, ceaselessly examine the past to see what they might have said or done to compel their son to such extremes. Nineteen Minutes also features the return of two of Jodi Picoult’s characters—defense attorney Jordan McAfee from The Pact and Salem Falls, and Patrick DuCharme, the intrepid detective introduced in Perfect Match.
Rich with psychological and social insight, Nineteen Minutes is a riveting, poignant, and thought-provoking novel that has at its center a haunting question. Do we ever really know someone?"

I am intrigued by the ability Ms. Picoult has for exploring every facet of an issue. I always find myself rethinking how I judge an issue or a character and then clarifying my own value system based on my new perspective. Whether I change my opinion or not, I am always left with a stronger sense of why I believe what I believe. (This is the same reason I love Madeleine L'engle and Anne Lamott.)

I am finding myself reliving parts of growing up that I would rather forget. But, frankly, I probably need to relive them again now that I am mother to a teenager. I need to remember the perspective, the emotions, what I thought was important, what I felt made me different. This book is reminding me.

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this book...I'm almost done but not quite so if don't spoil any endings for me!

Too much to catch up on...

There is SO much I need to get down. So over the next week or more I will be posting things as I get them out of my head and onto paper. Look forward to some of these things that have been swimming around inside my cerebral soup (there may even be accompanying visuals!):

• Buffalo Wings and Beer Tsunamis: Adventures with Larry
• Thoughts on "The Born" (or "The First Time I Got Pissed At Anne Lamott EVER And How I Got Past It)
• Rage and the Waterlogged Brain (or "Weaning Yourself From Anti-depressants")...sounds exciting, huh?
• He Gets the Gospel (or "Why I Love My Teenage Son")
• Why I Hate Chicago Drivers (actually...that won't be a post...I just needed to get that out)

Meet y'all back here on the blogosphere soon.

Undone

Last night I was undone...weepy and worried and starving for spiritual nourishment as well as physical provision. For some reason I found I could not focus on my Bible Study reading...or maybe I didn't want to. I went to the basement in the dark and quiet and turned on a small light and just started flipping through some books I had gathered for a project I'm developing...hoping to coerce my mind and emotions to drift to other things. I paged through the first book, "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning, and my eye was drawn to a paragraph with faded yellow highlighter...a passage that must have grabbed my attention at some other time in some other place. This is what I read:

"You may be insecure, inadequate, mistaken, or potbellied. Death, Panic, Depression and Disillusionment may be near you. But you are not just that. You are accepted. Never confuse your perception of yourself with the mystery that you are really accepted."

It broke me.

Here's the thing...Death...Panic...Depression...Disillusionment...this is where I am. They are not just near. They have taken over. Up until now, death had mercifully taken a back seat to panic, depression and disillusionment, my ever present companions in this season of need that my family is struggling to navigate. However, this past week, my dearest friend here in Indiana, a friend of my heart, found a spot on her lung. We laughed about it as she prepared for her CT scan, joking about our matching nodules. (I have had a non-progressing nodule on my lung for three years.) Last Friday night our families gathered to enjoy dinner together, have wine and good conversation. My sweet friend had just received "the call". Her CT scan had shown her nodule is 1.5 cm. and her surrounding lymph nodes are swollen...this is cause for concern. So, this Friday I will be driving her home from her lung biopsy. It will be a long week. As will the weekend as we wait to hear the results. Selfishly, so selfishly, I want her to be whole...because selfishly, so selfishly, I am afraid I can not bear to lose her. I feel I can't bear another thing.

I thank God for my reminder from Brennan Manning that I am not just these things that are consuming me and eating away at my peace and security. It is a mystery but I am more. I need these tokens...these promptings because I can't see it...if I am more, I can't see it. So, I cling to these mementos of God's grace written by a stranger's hand.