November

Almost two years ago my husband and I felt deeply that God was calling us to downsize… specifically our house… and move back to San Diego even though we had only moved away from it 18 months before.  I had just remodeled my kitchen to an absolute dream for FREE (due to a terrible plumbing issue and a nice insurance company) and I loved being in the kitchen for probably the first time in my life.  It was calming, and I could see results for my work quickly compared to other things in life, like losing weight, raising children and growing out bangs.

All that to say, despite the big beautiful house, there were other things about our Orange County experience that were challenging.  We struggled to find a community.  The church where we finally landed was wonderful but still felt foreign in many ways.  Our older kids felt like strangers in this new house that didn’t have all the memories and friends they had grown up with.  We were financially strapped and constantly worrying about money.

We took a deep breath and a step back and told God, “ok”.  We sold our big house, a TON of furniture and stuff that would never fit in our new little bungalow and moved back to Chula Vista, the place our family calls home.

It turns out that God can see a bigger picture than we ever can.  Imagine that! 

A few months after downsizing, Larry was laid off from his executive position and we were left without an income.  We NEVER would have survived if we had been in our big, lovely Orange County house with its ginormous mortgage and no support system around us.  God knew what He was doing apparently.

We have definitely struggled through the last 18 months that we’ve been back.  Months of no income.  An old house that is constantly in need of repair.  Something breaking down almost every day.  But, in the midst of all the uncertainty, we have found little hidden treasures. 

• Our children are so at home here and they are thriving.  THIS is home.
• We found a local church that is in the business of being the hands and feet of Jesus to its community and investing in healing and redemption.
• We discovered new facets to our dreams and vision for our future.
• We were near again (in proximity) to extended family and old friends.
• We’ve had opportunities to use our gifts in new and exciting ways.
• Our backyard is home to many birds and butterflies
• We started our own consulting company… together!

So, while there are days when I think if one more thing in our house breaks down I will scream or I long for the day when I have a master bathroom sink that works, I KNOW this is where God has placed us. 

Last night when our son yanked us from our slumber because a pipe under our kitchen sink was spewing hot water all over the kitchen, I thought I was going to lose it.  This morning I awakened with a cloud of discouragement cloaking all the goodness of God.  And then I felt his prompting to write.  I headed to The Nest (our office space in the back yard) armed with my bulletproof coffee and began this post.  And once again I see that God knows what He is doing.  He has guided me, through this “exercise”, to change my perspective.  At least for the moment.  I know that I am prone to wander.  

But I’m thankful in this moment.  And this is what I need to be.

I’ll transform her dead ground into Eden, her moonscape into the garden of God, A place filled with exuberance and laughter, thankful voices and melodic songs.  -Isaiah 51:3 (The Message)

What are you thankful for today?

Special Letter to Family and Friends

Very soon we’ll be bringing Benjamin Lilu home and starting the process of becoming a new and larger family.  This is an exciting and scary time for us – and will probably be especially frightening for Benjamin.  In his short life, he’s gone through more changes and life-altering experiences than most adults could handle.  He’s experienced the loss of a birth mother, experienced the loss of his second “home” in the midst of a health crisis, and will soon experience the loss of familiar caretakers, and the sights, sounds, smells, and language of his birth country.  His entire world will be turned upside down; he will be disoriented and confused.  He will have no reason to trust us – no way to know that we are safe, that he is secure in our care, and that we will meet his needs.

This process of learning to trust us, to bond and attach with our family, may take weeks, months, or years.  We expect it to get easier over time, but things are going to be a little strange at first and we ask that you please understand and support our attachment plan.  It is not our intention to shut anyone out of our lives or offend any friends in this process.  But Benjamin will need us to have certain boundaries in place to develop a strong and healthy attachment to us.

It will help immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal physical contact with our son.  For awhile, this includes things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing.  Children from orphanages are prone to “attach” to anyone and everyone – which disrupts his ability to attach to us.  Waving, blowing kisses, or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcome!  We want Benjamin to know our family and friends – and interact with them!

Benjamin had a mother care for him for several months, and then relied on a stream of different adults for almost 6 years to meet his needs.  He’s learned to compete for the attention of every adult for basic things like food, clothing, comfort…  Charming any available adult becomes a survival technique.  While it works in an orphanage, it’s dangerous in our world.  It’s not safe for Benjamin to ask random strangers for a hug; in order to learn healthy, appropriate boundaries, he needs to begin by learning that we are the two people responsible for meeting his needs.  For a time, we will be the only ones to give him food, water, comfort him, take him to the restroom and so on.  If he asks you for something – please ask us.  For awhile it may look like we’re spoiling him – but he needs to understand what role we play in his life and he needs to know we are dependable and constant.

Also understand that our very busy, very active family – will be dramatically limiting our activities and events for awhile.  Local friends – you probably won’t see us at every field trip, every club meeting, every birthday party – at least for a little bit.  Large or small gatherings, parties, events will not be a priority in the beginning – but it’s not permanent, and it’s not personal.  At this point, we don’t know entirely what degree of medical treatment and therapy we may be facing with him, too.  We will be tired, busy tending to him and learning about him, forming emotional bonds, and getting through our days one day at a time.  We are eager to introduce him to everybody – but it may not be for a little while.  With one exception!  If you would like to be part of our welcoming committee at the airport, we would LOVE to see you!


The lives of each member of our family will be topsy-turvy for awhile, and we ask for your understanding as we navigate this new world.  We are obviously far from experts in this, but doing what we believe to be best for Benjamin.  We look forward to introducing him in person to so many of our friends and family, and hope you understand why some of our parenting decisions will look as they do with him.

Here’s an interesting analogy of what adoption looks like to an internationally adopted child:
http://benjaminandholly.blogspot.com/2009/04/attachment-analogy.html

And another great illustration of what adopted children go through:
http://shaungroves.com/2011/01/the-list/

Update

I have several things I'd like to share with you (and some will have to wait until after Benjamin comes home!)

Benjamin Li

First of all, our Rummage Sale was incredibly successful thanks to help from some amazing friends and donors of items and Canyon Community Church who graciously allowed us to use their yard, parking lot and tables.

Second, we did get a little bad news last week... apparently after we sent our dossier (paperwork) to China, it was "misplaced" for about 6 weeks.  Typically a dossier get a log in date within days of them receiving it.  Instead, although we sent ours at the end of June, it was not logged in until August 13th.  While this is discouraging, we know God's timing is perfect and we also have the assurance that Benjamin is receiving excellent care right now.

Which leads to my other news... Benjamin is physically doing very well.  So well that we may not have to take oxygen with us for our flight home!  God is performing miracles every day in the life of our little boy.  We are continually in a state of amazement as we see God working in ways we could never have even dreamed up.  I, personally, can not wait for him to come home so that we can share his whole story with you.

I have been so overwhelmed by all the support we have been given by family, friends and even strangers.  One of the hidden benefits of adoption is that the adoption world is fairly small.  When it comes to International Adoption it becomes even smaller.  It is smaller still when one is specifically adopting from China.  And then smaller still when adopting a child with special needs.  There are wonderful Facebook groups and Yahoo groups for each of these "worlds".  I have made some very dear friends, simply through going through the adoption process at the same time.  When we adopted Madeleine in 2005, we were part of Yahoo group then also.  I got to meet up with 2 of them in China and still keep in touch with about 5 of them.  My sister/buddy back in 2005 was from Michigan (this is when we lived right on the Michigan/Indiana border) and was named Melissa also. We had fun with that, became wonderful cyber friends and then met up in China with our girls and husbands.  The funny thing is that Melissa W. is in my current adoption group too!  They are adopting again right at the exact same time as us!

Melissa and Laura

Another person I have grown to love so much is my dear, dear friend, Laura Kessler. She is adopting the most smiley toddler I have ever seen from the same agency as us and is a few weeks ahead of us in the process (well, actually probably a little more now with our hiccup in our timeline).  We talk, text, email almost every day.  We've intently studied our boys' pictures and videos and have them memorized.  AND her son's name?  Benjamin!  I feel like God gave me Laura as a special gift and I will be forever thankful for someone to laugh with, cry with, get frustrated with, dream with, and wait with.

Keep checking back here!  Very soon we will be having an online auction on the blog, Bring Benjamin Home, with some exciting items!

Re-entering the Real World (and the blogosphere)

Yes, it's true. I'm back... not that I think anyone is actually reading this or was waiting with bated breath for my next blog entry but, well... here I am. In addition to returning to my blog, I find myself after four straight months of performing, plus rehearsal time, returning to the life of full-time mom and out-of-work actress.

My show, "Joyful Noise", just closed last Sunday and I have to say that it was one of the most emotionally difficult closings I have ever experienced. I think in part because everyone else in the cast was moving on to their next project while I do not have anything "lined up". I also believe it's because I'm feeling particularly vulnerable in my abilities as a mom. Also, coinciding with my return to full time family chauffeur, Larry is traveling Monday thru Thursday this week. And believe me, that leaves a HUGE hole for me to fill.

Nevertheless, I plug ahead. I started a new devotional, "The One Year Book of Hope", to help keep me on track as well as a women's Bible Study on Hebrews, "Hoping for Something Better". I know that in order to be the mom I need to be, I need to be growing spiritually.

I also revamped our "chore" routine. Today I worked on our pegboard and also added a daily rotation list for 6 chores that will rotate between the three older kids. For the ones that don't rotate, I use the PEGS system, an invaluable tool I picked up at a Hearts at Home conference a few years back. I'm hoping this will help add some order back into a house that has been flying by the seat of its pants since we moved in back June!

That's the update for now!

Tell me... what do YOU do when your routine needs a kick in the pants???

Road Trip...

Sunday morning we rose at the crack of dawn, loaded up our Pilot, cruised over to Starbucks and the Bagel Bar and thus began our ascent up the coast of California. Our destination: Los Osos, California (a tiny town just west of San Luis Obispo and south of Morro Bay). It was a chance to introduce Maddie to Daddy's hometown and create more memories for the older three kids.

Our destination up the coast used to be Gramma and Poppa's house... first in Los Osos and then later in Paso Robles (wine country, just north of San Luis Obispo and filmed beautifully in the movie "Sideways"). Gramma and Poppa moved to Kentucky right after our family moved to Indiana which made this visit a little strange and unfamiliar. However, we booked a room with our Marriott rewards points (the best advantage to Larry having a job with travel) and have spent the last couple days exploring Larry's childhood stomping grounds.

Yesterday, we went to downtown San Luis. Then we hopped in the car and drove over to Morro Bay just as the typical wall of fog started rolling in off the ocean. We drove by Larry's high school, his first job (Burger King, if you were wondering) and marveled at the changes that had taken place since our last visit. When we arrived at the Embarcadero, we were surprised to find a music festival taking place and were serenaded by Sean Kingston singing "Beautiful Girls". We grabbed some fish and chips with clam chowder and then drove past Larry's childhood home in Los Osos.

Today we headed out to Montana de Oro, a beautiful beach with rugged cliffs and hidden caves. Later we drove down to Avila Beach and visited with the pelicans and sea lions. The kids loved hearing stories of Larry's childhood and being reminded of places they had been before.

My baby girl...

Emma got baptized last Sunday by her Uncle Matt. She was baptized along with her cousin, Shaye, and fellow Crossroads member, Patty Mendez. It was a wonderful time of music and celebration. A reminder of the gospel and it's healing, redemptive power.

For My Dad...

Larry and I had a very intense dating relationship. Things got serious very quickly and at one point the inevitable happened. We broke up. (I say “inevitable” because I think any couple with that intense of a relationship needs one good break up before the lifelong commitment.) I remember the night clearly… it was raining and we were standing outside my studio apartment in Pt. Loma and he told me (and can I just say I get intense pleasure from reminding him), “God has someone for everyone and I don’t think we’re it for each other.” Now at the time I was absolutely convinced that he was “the one” so this completely shattered my heart into a gazillion pieces. But in the midst of this, Larry and God gave me a gift.



You see, after Larry left I walked back to my apartment and called my mom and dad who were about 20 minutes away. It was late at night and I woke my dad up. Through tears I asked my dad if I could come home for the night. He said, “Of course…I get the spare room ready.” (Now, this meant a sleeping bag on the floor but I wanted home more than a bed at the moment.) So, I jumped in my car and, listening to sappy music, cried my way home.



A little background: My dad came into my life about 7 months after my birth father was killed in Vietnam. Some mutual friends had invited my mom and dad to a picnic and my dad says that when he saw my mom walking across the grass with me he knew she was the one he would marry. But things did not come easily for me and Dad. Both of us had passionate, strong, choleric temperaments and would butt heads at every corner. He was also a strong disciplinarian while I was one who always had to learn the hard way… not the best combination. I began struggling with depression as a teen and it often came out in anger while my Dad also struggled with anger. We fought so often and things were so tense that it is often hard for me to come up with tender, warm memories of my time growing up with him. Even our physical affection like hugs and kissed was strained at best. When I reached college he began a transformation. He was in the midst of this when I called in tears that rainy night.



When I arrived home, my dad was waiting up for me. He let me in the front door and I remember clearly that he didn’t push me to talk or ask me why I was crying. I went into the spare room and crawled into the sleeping bag and sobbed into my pillow. After a few minutes I heard someone kneeling down beside me. Soon a hand started stroking my head. It was my dad. He never said a word. Just let me cry. This was my gift. A beautiful, tender memory with my dad. I will never forget it. While things would still become rocky at times between us, this memory was burned in my heart forever.



So to the two most important dads in my life:



Larry: Thank you for giving me that moment with my dad. Oh, and for deciding that you were wrong. God did mean for us to be together.



Dad: Thank you for just letting me cry. Thank you for sitting there until I fell asleep, worn out with tears. Thank you for the tenderness you showed me that night. I love you.

Happy Father’s Day

Wordless Wednesday

Today I saw Jesus...

Today I saw Jesus in my daughter, Emma (9 yrs old). This morning Maddie (our 4 year old) was scheduled to get four shots (she's catching up on immunizations here in the U.S.). Knowing this, Emma put together a gift bag with things she had found while packing that she didn't use anymore (or didn't use often)... a stuffed animal, a few books and a cute horse necklace (a nice one but Emma's not a jewelry girl and Maddie lives for accessories). She wrote on the note attached to the bag, " To Maddie, I love you. You did great with your shots!" She also enclosed a note that had one of her famous dog drawings and "Good job on your shots!" written in big letters across the top.

Emma went along with us to the doctor's office and spent the entire time leading up to the appointment distracting her with drawing and talking. At one point, while Emma was doing Maddie's seat belt for her (something she usually gripes about when I ask her to do it), Maddie says, "Mommy! Emma loves me!" I guess all the extra attention was sending a message! After the shots had been administered and the tears dried, Emma walked out with her to the car. As soon as they were in their seats, she leaned over to where she had "hidden" Maddie's present and gave it to her! Maddie was thrilled. She put on the necklace immediately and has been playing with everything else since. On top of the gift giving, Emma pulled out one of the books and started reading it to her in the car. It was so very sweet and thoughtful and I was so thrilled and proud that she did this on her own. I love that little girl.

But I always thought that I'd see you again...

Today the nation observes Memorial Day commemorating U.S. men and women who perished while in military service to their country. For some of us it is much more personal. For my mother it is a loud reminder of a memory that is usually quietly tucked away in the safe recesses of her heart. A memory of a high school sweetheart, an earnest young husband, a new daddy and a war gone wrong. For me it summons stories told by a wistful grandparent who loved a boy as her own. Stories of love. A boy crossing the street hiding the Bible his dad hated under his shirt and sneaking to church. A teenager asking out the little sister of his one true love so he can tag along and watch his love with another. A young man in uniform vowing to have and to hold until 'death do us part'. The new father holding his newborn baby girl up to the large mirror in grandma's living room insisting, "Grandma, isn't she the prettiest baby you ever saw? Isn't she?" A dreaded telegram and a Valentine's card he sent but didn't arrive until after he was gone. This is Memorial Day for me. Today I honor Dana Randolph Barker (July 21, 1947 - February 13, 1969). 1st Lieutenant in the U.S. Army. Causality number 37551. The father I never knew.

I hope she looks like you
I hope she fights like me
Stands up for
the innocent and the weak
-"If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw

Love Thursday

This week our family fell in love. Our dear psuedo-sister, Heather, came out from California to visit and brought her two-year old, Kyler, with her. Now, don't get me wrong. He is definitely TWO! But he is also affectionate, clever, hysterically funny and the biggest Bret Favre fan on the planet. One of the funniest things was Kyler trying to get his mouth around "Isaac" which came out as "Ice-kick" but sounding eerily close to "Ass-kick" delighting all who heard.

Additionally, Emma enjoyed teaching Kyler tricks. Witness Kyler's knack for the vernacular.

My baby is FOURTEEN...

The oldest... the one you learn everything with... my first baby is fourteen. He is gifted in so many ways. He's creative, funny, brilliant in a scary way but most of all he has a heart for the gospel. I love him so. (Yes, that's me with the big hair. And that's Uncle Joe holding little Landen)

These photos are when Landen got his "very own brother" (his words when he found out we were adopting Isaac) and then with his brother this week. By the way, when he was three he would beg me for that haircut... he called it a "circle head".

Happy Easter from the Baldwin Bungalow

regarding the Gramma...

At bedtime the other night while Gramma Kerns is visiting:

Em: Mom, I think Gramma loves Jesus SO much that she should be a visiting pastor sometime. She would be really good at it.

You know, if I can be known for nothing else, I hope it is that I love Jesus so much...like Emma's Gramma.

California Dreamin'

My Friday started off early when I woke to the smell of fresh brewed coffee (Thank you, honey!). I was already packed so I got dressed and then went room to room making beds since there was going to be a showing after Larry dropped me at the airport. Everything really went so smoothly... too smoothly. At the airport I checked my bag and headed down to the gate to settle in with my new library book, Auralia's Colors (Thanks, Jen!), and my "breakfast" (see photo) while I waited for my flight. The weather was beautiful so I was confident there would be no delays and I would make my connecting flight in Chicago. I was scheduled to take off from South Bend at 9:10 am, arriving in Chicago 1/2 an hour later, leaving 40 minutes later for San Diego and arriving in SD around noon. Silly, naive girl.



As I was reading, I overhead the man across from me saying something about a flight being delayed because of mechanical problems. I butted my eavesdropping self in and asked (politely, of course!) what flight he was talking about. Ours, wouldn't you know. I got on the phone immediately and found myself on hold for over 20 minutes waiting for an agent. By this time it was clear I wouldn't make my connecting flight. The lady at the gate wouldn't make any changes to our itineraries until she had a new "arrival time" for the delayed flight. When the agent finally came on the phone line, she informed me that the flight had just been (hold your breath...) ... cancelled! I knew I had a significant advantage over the other passengers and immediately left the gate area and sprinted for the front counter. I was second in line only to find out that all the other flights (including the other airlines) to Chicago were booked until 7 pm that night. I was not happy. After much finagling, we finally settled on United paying for me to take the bus (yes, you read that right) for a THREE hour ride to O'hare airport, booked on the 8-something pm flight from Chicago to San Diego but on stand by for the 3:15 flight and 5:20 flight.




By the time I got to O'hare I was starving BUT I had to try to get on the earlier flight so I stood in line (AGAIN) and got onto the 3:15 flight (still 2 1/2 hours away) but in a really, really crappy middle seat. I took it, checked my bag and made my way through security. I hurried past all the cafes and food courts and made my way to the gate where I stood in line (AGAIN) and managed to get moved to a really crappy aisle seat. With 2 hours left I dragged myself over to the nearest cafe and ordered a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread (low WW point value) but treated myself to a beer. It had to be done.







I finally arrived in San Diego at 5:30 pm (Pacific Time) to a sky at the gloaming hour with palm trees, warm air and a cool breeze...the scent of honeysuckle wafting around me. I was home.








Today was spent with my niece and nephew in the morning. We went to Barnes and Noble and browsed and bought then headed over to Target and the dollar bins.







Later Mom and I met my dear friend, Dana, for lunch at Rubios...yay, for fish tacos!!!! The mahi mahi taco was a great low WW point option. Then tonight Mom and I met my other San Diego best buddy, Callie, and her kids at Starbucks for a while. It was so good to spend even just this short amount of time with both of them. I miss them terribly when I'm in Indiana.





So...that's my saga so far with the added bonus that when I woke up on Friday morning I was down another couple pounds. I have now lost 17 lbs since January 1st! I definitely think I deserved that beer!!!!

Snow Day...

In general, I hate snow days. The kids are restless, sniping at one another and I'm stir crazy and overstimulated. Today was no exception. Now, however, one child is gone spending the night with a friend, the girls are off to bed and Landen (who, BTW, got his braces yesterday) has two friends over spending the night and they are keeping each other occupied. So...as long as the girls STAY in bed...knock on wood...we may have a quiet evening zoning out in front of the television. Of course the odds of the girls staying in bed rank right up there with the Giants odds of winning the Super Bowl and me ever giving birth again. In fact, as I type I can hear my oldest daughter throwing an incredibly innovative and creative tantrum for her father. Funny...just an hour ago she looked so angelic holding little Sam...

I have to say there were about fifteen minutes when Isaac went to play at a friends, the teenager (aka Landen) was still asleep in bed and the girls went out to play in the snow where it was quiet. But, like I said...it was fifteen minutes.

Favorite Quotes from Today

from Landen (my almost 14-yr old after describing an idea he had)-

"It sounded cooler inside my head."

from Emma (my 9 yr old...in a handwritten note on My Little Pony paper with little pink hearts expressing how much she hates me and her older brother right now because we won't give in to her little tantrum)-

"I feel like crying but I ran out of tears. From, Your daughter that hates you!"

Talk about drama queen...

Picture Worthy Happenings

Yesterday morning Uncle Joe drove through town and stopped for coffee before heading off to Kansas City on his cross-country drive with his old roommate. We were so happy to see him!

Then...this was great!!! This week Larry did a favor for a friend and was Santa. Our kids LOVED it! I always wondered what it would be like to kiss Santa!

Baldwin Family Day 2007

Official Baldwin Family Day

What is it?

Today is the 10th anniversary of our own family holiday. We call it Family Day.
Each year we celebrate how we all became one family...through marriage, birth
and adoption. It doesn't always have to be elaborate or expensive...sometimes
it's just spending time together. When November 17th lands during the week we
pull the kids out of school, take the day off and clear the schedule of any
other appointments. This is a sacred sabattical from outside "stuff". It is our
family day.

How did it start?

On November 17, 1997 a little 5-month old baby boy entered our home and became our son. We had only known about him for three days and had just met him for the first time the previous day. He was a gift of grace to our marriage and our family and his name was "Laughter", or "Isaac".

(pictured fr. left to rt.: Melissa, Desiree, Isaac's birthmom-holding him, and Larry)